Becky With the Good Hair

I really wanted to avoid writing about Beyonce because I think if I say anything remotely negative about her I’ll wake up dead.  At the hands of the people who call her “Queen Bey” in complete seriousness. Aka the Bey Hive. Imma get stung by da Bey Hive.

Honestly, I haven’t bothered to watch/listen to Lemonade. I assume it isn’t about lemonade, in which case I’m already annoyed by it. I’m sure the songs will creep their way onto the radio eventually and I’ll enjoy them enough to not change the station, but for the most part I haven’t been as big of a Beyonce fan with all of her new shit. She feels like a PR machine to me. I miss the good ol days of “GIRLS, WE RUN DIS MOTHA FUCKA!”

The most annoying thing to me about this album is her song about infidelity. Not only did she call out her current husband for cheating, presumably to get some buzz about the album just like the divorce rumors that prefaced her VMA performance a few years back… But she also HAD to bring down another woman.

Becky with the good hair? That could literally be ANYONE… I could be Becky with the good hair if my name was Becky. I actually know a few people named Becky who have GREAT hair, it could be any of them!!! But of course, because of how Beyonce works, everyone somehow knew immediately that it was Rachel Roy, some fashion designer I didn’t even know existed until my News Feed was flooded with bullshit about her being Becky With the Good Hair. I will agree, she does have great hair.

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Beyonce, if you’re finally calling yourself a feminist why the FUCK would you do this to another person? Not only did Rachel Roy get death threats on her Instagram, so did Rachel RAY… Hahahahahahah I just found that part funny. Like Rachel Ray was the person Jay-Z cheated with.

But seriously, people have targeted Rachel Roy and her family with death threats. Beyonce had to have known what she was doing when she released the song. She knew the reference was thinly veiled and would absolutely be intensely speculated upon. For someone who claims to empower women, this is a huge step in the wrong direction.

Beyonce relies on controversy and gossip for literally every single thing she does. She doesn’t let her talent speak for itself, like others of her caliber (Adele.) She is an extremely talented individual but she operates on the same wavelength as Taylor Swift, which makes me lose respect for her.

I hope I don’t wake up dead.

 

Herbalife

Happy Talk Shit Tuesday! Today I’m going to take down a cult. A cult that I somehow almost got roped into by my naivete and basic assumption that all humans are inherently good. Friends, if you didn’t already know (everyone except me did) Herbalife is a Pyramid Scheme. If you don’t know what a Pyramid Scheme is, please click the link I gave you because I can’t be bothered to explain it, and honestly don’t know how to. I was a Film and Television major, remember.

A day in the life of unemployed Katrina Nicholson usually begins with eggs, bacon, and general feelings of mediocrity and inadequacy. She listens to some depressing Spotify playlist, thinks about how the mighty have fallen… Then she opens the Craigslist jobs section. She considers the “$$ HOT MODELS WANTED $$ BIG MONEY LOTS OF FUN” and even the “AMATEUR ADULT FILM STARS, NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY, MUST BE COMFORTABLE WITH SNAKES” but usually settles for the more innocent ones.

Like this one.  In theory it was a great fit for me. I work out, I eat right (most of the time) and I am unemployed and desperate. I also wasn’t familiar with Herbalife. I wrote a very earnest email about how I’m a former athlete, I love to help people, and this seems like a great opportunity to help people achieve their fitness goals. I felt very good about what I wrote and I was certain I’d get a reply. 

And I did, not even an hour later. A man with the name of a nationally observed holiday emailed me and requested I watch a YouTube video then get on the phone with him. The YouTube video was just him sitting in an empty gym/studio talking about nothing but making it sound flowery and exciting (I would post the video but then you’ll know his name.) I was roped in. I was VULNERABLE.

We got on the phone, chatted about gains and lifting and fitness. He seemed nice enough, normal enough, not a serial killer. He asked me to come in for a meeting at their “FitLab” the following day. He said I should wear athletic clothes because we “might do an upper body workout.” I was excited because finally I could stop wearing my go-to uncomfortable interview outfit that I can hardly walk in. Also- imagine wearing workout clothes to work. You’d be the casual cool guy that everyone wants to get to know.

The address is in Culver City so I’m pumped about that because I’m moving there anyway. I’m in my Buick, driving along happily to what I imagine will be a GREAT JOB while I look for my next real job. And it’ll give me a reason to SHRED MY BODY.

Then I arrive at an industrial/office complex with no outer signage. I think to myself “Okay, that’s not weird… Soccer Blast was weird and industrial looking too and it was totally legitimate.” So I gave myself a pep talk and approached the unmarked door. I saw one of those giant orange Gatorade jugs so that seemed like a good sign.

I walk inside. It’s completely empty. Not a single piece of fitness equipment in sight. Just tables, chairs, speakers, a TV and lots of empty space. Oh yeah, and the massive dude from the video. Part of me wanted to turn and run, but then I remembered my new idiotic mantra “It’ll be a good story.”

“Welcome!” He greets me and gestures to a bar-setup complete with a marble counter top and stools. I immediately notice this bar is stocked with nothing but Herbalife products. I don’t even think they had water that didn’t say Herbalife on it. So my friend, this enormous built man who could kill me with one swift punch to the throat, let’s call him George for continuity with yesterday’s post… George makes me an Herbalife tea drink. He says it’s similar to preworkout, so I assume we’re gonna workout.

It tastes like shit. I pretend to love it. It makes me feel a little coked out, the best way to describe it is like Twitch from Holes. If you get that reference you’re a gem and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I consider that he might have drugged me. But then quickly suppress that consideration.

Another woman drops into the gym. She’s gorgeous, fit and extremely friendly. We’ll call her Brittany. We hit it off immediately talking about Track and Field, I feel like I might have found my community. All of these people used to play sports and now they’re just getting a healthy lifestyle back into focus. I figured maybe they could convince me to drink less. (haaaaah, sorry Mom I had to.)

Brittany and I are chatting and she starts telling me about the product that I just drank. She calls it something like the “ab shredder” because apparently it “boosts your metabolism and shreds the fat on your abs to make them more visible.” I took the bottle and looked at the ingredients. Tons of things I couldn’t pronounce. Excessively long. I just smiled and nodded but gave her a pass. Still felt a little coked out.

Once I finish the tea, George makes me a massive shake. I was very excited by this because I hadn’t eaten lunch and was about ready to stop at 711 for a hot dog and Bugles. The shake is absolutely delicious but it reeks of Stevia or Splenda or some other thing that isn’t sugar and doesn’t even pretend to taste like it. I look at the ingredients again, massively long list full of chemicals and probably fetal corpses. I smile and nod.

Slowly I start to realize I’m in a timeshare presentation. I feel like at every corner I want to ask- so what’s the catch? These people are charming, driven, and passionate. They seem to really want me to be part of their community, they seem like they’d be good friends to me.

My favorite part was when George pulled his “mentor” Lauren onto FaceTime with us from Chicago. This was the point where I felt the most emotionally violated (afterwards.)

She’s a beautiful, blond, former volleyball player who is six feet tall. Immediately when she saw me she said “You remind me exactly of myself three years ago.”

I explained to her that I was going through a rough time, unemployment, moving, breakup, general “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” I nearly teared up, but didn’t because something started to feel OFF about everyone. I couldn’t quite put a finger on it.

She told me her Herbalife journey and how it completely changed who she was as a person. And how she doesn’t have to sit behind a desk and how the world is her oyster and she was able to move back to Chicago. I sat and listened, and slowly as she continued to smile and rattle off all these stories it felt more and more like a rehearsed routine.

Once we hung up with her, George closed in. He asked me what I thought.

“I think it all sounds great… But I don’t really understand how it works.”

That’s when you know it’s a Pyramid Scheme, when you’ve sat for an hour-long presentation and still have no idea how the company works.

“Well first I want you to get settled in with a new job and do this on the side, because we have a $65 initiation fee to get you registered with Herbalife.”

Aha, the first catch.

“Then you have to buy all of the products to start selling them to more people.”

Hoho, what?

“Do you think you know people who would be interested in things like this?”

I mean, yeah we live in Los Angeles and people will do literally anything to avoid the hard work it takes to lose weight. Anyone will invest in an easy way out if they have the money to do so. Actually, they’ll still do it if they DON’T have the money…Because Los Angeles is full of lazy, crazy, insecure people.

But I don’t want to be one of the people who takes advantage of that. I felt protective of the crazies, I wanted to keep them from these even CRAZIER sociopaths who want to exploit their desire for a healthy lifestyle in order to profit. These people chose me because I was an easy and vulnerable target who needed something in my life to strive towards. They promised me I’d be in the best shape of my life and I was embarking on a physical transformation that would change me forever.

Guess what, fuckers? I don’t need you and your shitty potions to motivate me. I don’t need to profit on other people’s ignorance. You can try to justify what you’re doing by pointing at the “results” but the truth is, those results have NOTHING to do with your product. The people you’re recruiting to be “Health Coaches” are all former athletes who likely already spend a lot of time at the gym. Not to mention, you have NO advice on actual fitness and you don’t even have equipment in your stupid “FitLab” all you have is CHAIRS and SHITTY SMOOTHIES.

Oh and, by the way, your LOGO IS A POT LEAF.

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If you want to learn more about this nonsense, this website is very informative.

Planet of the Apes (the original one)

I’m back at it. Had to take a week long hiatus because sometimes life gets in the way. I can’t really explain the urge I felt today. The urge to watch Planet of the Apes. It was a strong urge, one that I needed to address as soon as possible. I still haven’t even watched the Game of Thrones premiere because I needed so desperately to watch Planet of the Apes.

It was so worth sitting through my shitty WiFi buffering every 20 minutes. This movie was made in 1968 when CGI didn’t exist and our grandparents were probably attractive. The special effects are minimal, but the ape faces are VERY convincing. Anyway, starring HOLLYWOOD HEARTHROB Charlton Heston, the originator of the sexy Dad Bod, this flick is nonstop action. I was invested the second they revealed the shriveled up female corpse on the spaceship. (Of course they had to kill her off, she was an astronaut and we’re talking about the late 60s… Women weren’t astronauts back then.)

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(this is Charlton Heston, he was still pretty hot up until the end… for an old guy.)

The three boys land on this deserted, vapid planet. They’re pissed as fuck because they’ve literally been traveling for decades and all of their relatives have been dead for a super long time because TIME works differently when you’re flying around the universe. Remember Interstellar and how Matthew McConnaughey was stuck in a closet the whole time? But yeah, shit is looking pretty dismal for these three dudes. Of the three, I only care to know the main guy’s name was George Taylor because (*SPOILER ALERT*) everyone else pretty much DIES right away in a brutal monkey sneak attack on a wild human village. Prehistoric humans who can’t even speak. Poor defenseless humans.

So George conveniently gets shot in the throat, rendering him unable to use his voice and prove himself to be a non-prehistoric human. A Jane Goodall-esque doctor takes an interest in him and calls him “bright eyes” because he’s just so sexy. She’s the only one who wants to believe a human this advanced could exist, everyone else is in denial because duh, they’re apes. They don’t want the humans to revolt and take over. This is THEIR planet.

So he lives in a cage and they let him mate with the most attractive woman from the village. This leading lady delivers ZERO lines throughout the entire film. But it’s fine because in this world humans can’t talk anyway so it’s just the life they lead.

The entire movie is pretty much based around George being a maniac controversial character up in Ape Town. He wants to be treated with dignity but the apes treat him like we treat apes. Aka he has to sit naked in a cage full of his own shit, piss, and tears. He keeps trying to show the Jane Goodall woman how special he is, and she believes him, but she risks being charged for heresy if she defends him. Life is ruff!

I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, because I was very happy with it and would like anyone with an HBO Go account to go watch for themselves. So you can audibly say “OH SHIT!” at the final scene like my cat did.

My overall comments:

  • Since I have a useless degree in Film and Television, I have to say some douchey things that would make my teachers feel like they contributed something to society other than leading a hopeful woman to believe she has a chance to cut it in Hollywood.
    • Whenever there is a big revelation they do a quick zoom in on a persons reaction along with a little pick-me-up in the already unsettling music. It’s effective storytelling but also hilarious.
  • At the beginning of the movie they realized they needed to give some character exposition really fast before everyone died. So they literally had a monologue of one guy telling George what he thinks of him. “You know, you just don’t take no for an answer… You’re a REAL trailblazer… You really are just an optimistic guy.”
  • Of course George finds the only attractive woman in the entire human tribe IMMEDIATELY. Also how does she keep her facial hair/pubic hair so tame? They don’t shave in this world and she has perfectly shaped eyebrows.
  • Lol at humans in monkey suits
  • Lol at monkeys riding horses
  • I still don’t know why they killed everyone at the beginning? Were they hunting…? Why did they spare George?
  • There is a weird part where human bodies hang on a spitfire roasting skillet and it’s just grim as fuck. Very uncomfortable moment.
  • Why do these apes on a completely different planet speak English? If you watch the movie this question gets answered.
  • “Human see Human do” is a thing and it’s so condescending we should really stop saying it about monkeys.
  • Apes kissing is so right and so wrong. They shove their mouths at each other and peck quickly. I couldn’t find a scene of it but this scene is a classic. Pretty sure the other ape hisses at George for stealing his lady.
  • Best quote of the entire movie is when George speaks for the first time after his vocal chord injury and he’s caught up in the net “Get your hands off me you dirty stinking apes!” Imma use that at bars. Maybe Megan Trainor should try that.
  • Once George escapes they give him a change of rags and he refuses to put them on because they smell bad… As if he hasn’t been clothed in rags for the entire movie?

At the very end, the Ape Minister (I can’t remember his actual title) sees George sticking by his girlfriend (who can’t speak, duh he sticks by her) and he says:

“I didn’t realize men could be monogamous!”

And George delivers the best one liner of the entire film:

“On this planet, it’s easy!”

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My review: Watch this shit if you wanna get weird with some APES. 

 

How to Drink Without Getting Fat

Based on my last post, you probably deduced that I am trying to shed a few unwanted LBz. I have a ladies trip to Vegas for Memorial Day weekend. Nuff Said. Well my gift to you this Thirsty Thursday is a few tips on how to make sure you can still have fun and party it up without ruining your fatness goals.

Please note that while I am doling out this advice it does not mean that I am following any of it. I just figured maybe if I pay it forward Haley Joe Osment might show up at my door and let me know that I done somethin right for once in my life. Here’s my advice, obviously what you came here for:

Beer and Cider- not your best option…Duh: 

Cider has single-handedly been my personal downfall. Sure, one bottle to start off your night isn’t going to kill your gainz… But when you’re finishing a six pack more than once in a weekend the calories get REAL. Same goes for beer, unless you drink the Michelob piss stuff that hardly has any alcohol in it. First step in trying to turn those gains around is to put a limit on your beer/cider intake in a given weekend. Not eliminate it- but limit it.

Hard liquor- unfortunately your best option: 

Spirits are naturally lower calorie and higher alcohol concentration, so they get the job done with minimal fatness. No, I’m not suggesting that you start slamming shots of vodka (unless you feel like a throwback to freshman year of college.) I’m also not suggesting that you order Whiskey-Cokes or other shit that actually tastes good. You gotta find a drink that you don’t really like the taste of, that has minimal calories. Mine is the classic Vodka Soda, although I don’t mind the taste of it at all anymore. Be careful though, you are gonna need to slow your ass down a lot compared to your beer/cider pace.

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I don’t even know who she is ^

Order your drinks “tall”: 

If you order a tall, it is not the same thing as a “double” unless your bartender is an incompetent piece of shit (it happened to me a couple times.) A tall basically just gives you a bigger glass with the same amount of alcohol as you’d have in the smaller glass. This is very convenient so that you don’t finish your drink in one gulp and end up on the floor of the bar crying about your past relationships. Seriously, they load those tiny glasses with so much ice that you get about one or two sips of drink before it’s gone. A tall drink allows you to drink slower and be social for longer.

Say no to taco trucks and otherwise horrible drunk decisions: 

Most of the fatness for me comes from my drunk pizza ordering habit. Your drunk mind is going to trick you every single time… You will be like “Ah pizza sounds so good right now, but I shouldn’t.” Then your drunk mind will perk up and say “Eh it’s fine, you can have pizza! Who cares? You don’t care! You’re the cool pizza kid!” Then you get an odd sense of confidence as you order the pizza and cheesy bread. The regret only sets in once you’ve finished far more than you planned on eating and then STILL have leftovers to face when you’re sober. I have no advice on how to fix this because I am currently working on it myself. GOOD LUCK KIDS!

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Bring your own alcohol to the pregame: 

If you don’t plan ahead you’re gonna be stuck drinking whatever the masses decide for you. I’m a loser and I bring my own alcohol as well as my own crystal light squirt flavoring bottle so that I can just put water in a cup and turn it into zero calorie juice to mask the horrible burning sensation of cheap vodka. If you really want to work on your fatness, these are the embarrassing things you have to do for yourself.

This is just a little taste of my sad techniques for drinking but not hating myself. Wait, actually I always DO still hate myself post-drinking but at least if I follow these guidelines I don’t have to encounter the sad reminder that is the Monday when none of my pants fit. Also, let me tag on a disclaimer to this whole article and the one before it… I don’t think I’m fat. I’m totally fine, if I actually had self confidence/ self esteem issues at the moment I wouldn’t be writing about it. I would be sulking in a corner. I’m just trying to help all of you get properly White Boy Wasted.

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GET OVER HERE

My Weird Spectrum of Bodyweight

It’s Whatever Wednesday, for those of you in the corporate world it’s what that camel calls “Hump Day” heheeehhehe you gonna make it through the hump of the week? Yeah, you will.

I was thinking this morning about how much my body type has changed over the last three years. Since I think everyone probably wonders what they would feel like if they were 10 pounds skinnier, or 10 pounds fatter… I will let you know so that you don’t have to go through the strife required of the experience.

What it feels like to be…

On The Brink of an Unhealthy BMI: The lowest I ever got to during my gross skinny phase was 142 pounds I believe. I felt pretty cool at this point because all of my clothes were EXTREMELY baggy and I could get tipsy off half of a mixed drink. I disguised my weird habits by saying I was “trying to save money” while interning. I would put water on my cereal, eat expired Special K, and rotting bananas. Sometimes when I got super hungry it felt like my chest was caving in on itself. People called me a twig more than once, my ass was nonexistent and my jeans would have a diapery bagginess in remembrance of the ass that used to be… I thought I was finally sexy as FUCK but actually I was just a willowy hungry bitch.

My rating of this weight: Wouldn’t recommend it because it’s painful, unhealthy and impossible to maintain. Also DAT ASS is so necessary. Look at that NON ASS in the left picture.

Skinny but Not Dying: This was the weight I tried to maintain at the beginning of the weird skinny phase. I was averaging 146 to 148 and it was a failure when I creeped up into the 150s. I didn’t hate this weight, clothes were still pretty baggy and whenever I took showers I could feel my abs eating away at my fat reserves. It rewarding because the pounds were just melting off, I weighed in every week and was real amped to be successful. I guess if I were a lot heavier to begin with this would have been the “successful diet” phase. But this was pretty much just the beginning of an unhealthy obsession.

My rating of this weight: Also very difficult to maintain but very rewarding. Will never get back to it unless I want to whither back into a corpse. Dat ass, questionable.

Either Average or Shredded: Confusing title, but before I started lifting weights my average healthy weight was around 155. I had a regular amount of cellulite but my abs were pretty flat and dat ass existed. 155 was my original goal when I started my creepy skinny phase, but then once I got there I wasn’t satisfied. If I got down to 155 right now I would literally be the lightest weight I could possibly be without destroying my gainz. I kind of want to try it but the effort would be really exhausting.

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My rating of this weight: Cool back then, impossible to achieve now.

Old Dad Bod, New Average: Back in 2012 when I went abroad to Australia and ate whatever the fuck I wanted and never exercised I weighed about 165 and my muscle tone was covered with a layer of fat. Back then it felt like my entire body was wearing a glove. It was weird. But now 165 is pretty much my most consistent weight when I’m not being a careless piece of shite. I think your personal average is the weight you should strive for in any situation. It’s the way your body wants to be and it’s consistent with your lifestyle. You will always be able to gravitate back to this weight without much hard work.

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My rating of this weight: Learn to love it because unless you want to make drastic changes to your lifestyle it will probably be sticking around for a while. This pic is of the old Dad Bod but you can’t really tell.

Dad Bod Central: No one can really tell for me because my fat distributes pretty evenly over the course of my long body… But I have indulged in a lot of late night pizza, excessive beer, excessive cider, fried delights and ChOcOlaTeEEe. Let’s just say I can’t wear any of my jeans at the moment without being real uncomfy and my stretchy pants are occasionally making straining noises when I pull them on. I weighed myself yesterday and was at 170 which is a whopping 30 pounds more than I weighed three years ago. As long as I know this isn’t my new normal, I can live with the brief discomfort and self-loathing that accompanies it.

My rating of this weight: This is the weight you will feel when you’ve let yourself get away with too many “cheat meals” you hate yourself a little, but quickly forget that you hate yourself the moment another opportunity comes up to eat some shitty food. If you have any self control you should try to avoid this weight.

The lesson I’ve learned over the last few years is that the best kind of body shape is one that you can sustain. If you feel yourself straining to get by day after day, eventually you will crack. Eating so little that I felt dizzy when I got up from the toilet after a poo was absolutely not sustainable for my lifestyle or my mental health. Weighing in every week and doing cardio every single day also wasn’t sustainable, at least not for me. Getting drunk on wine every night and eating two enormous chicken kebabs without barfing them up, definitely not sustainable.

I try to make healthy food choices during the week and I try to limit my carb heavy alcoholic beverages, but inevitably sometimes I slip up. Rather than beating myself up and overcompensating with tons of exercise and restriction, I try really hard to be patient with myself in returning to a normal weight.

My advice for you is to find that comfortable place where you feel confident about your body but also fulfilled with your dietary decisions and lifestyle. You don’t have to create a diet plan or anything, just start trying to eliminate certain foods that make you feel like shit and then see how much better you feel. Be patient with yourself, you will ABSOLUTELY fuck up along the way. Even the fittest, most disciplined people I know have their moments of “why the fuck did I just eat all of that?”

If you really want to change your body, you can. Just be realistic about it ❤

 

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Incessant Cynicism OR Optimism

We’re getting a little abstract here, promise I’m not high right now. If I was high at 9:00 am I would be at Denny’s doing the bottomless pancake deal with reckless abandon. Like I said in the very beginning- Talk Shit Tuesday can be about anything. It isn’t always going to be a public figure or even a person.

I keep getting shit on lately for being cynical… Deservedly so. I went off on a really depressing tangent at brunch the other day about how if Modern Family wanted to be realistic the Dunphy parents wouldn’t be cutesy but instead they’d constantly be on the brink of a fight or otherwise barbing one another with passive aggression. A few days before that, I told someone that every time I see a new couple engaged on Facebook I instantly feel bad for them as they embark on the sad winding road that is the odyssey into an unfulfilling marriage.

Yeah, I’m a Natasha Bedingfield style Pocket Full of Sunshine, right? This is why people love me so much. I’m sort of kidding when I say all of these things…I guess I might be trying to be funny… It’s probably not healthy. I humbly prefer my own negativity to the alternative: incessant optimism.

My other way of explaining this is “that person” who refuses to accept bad things in any given situation. The constantly “nice” person. The one who is just a drop of golden sunshine out of Barney the Dinosaur’s asshole. You never see them in a bad mood because they refuse to get in a bad mood because bad things don’t happen in this world and a frown can always be turned upside down.

I’m not suggesting that everyone should deadpan morbid sarcastic remarks at every corner (I’m working on it) but you’re allowed to be a human. You’re allowed to show the range of emotions that occupy a human brain. You’re allowed to have a resting bitch face once in a while. Part of me, the part that isn’t a selfish asshole, is worried for you happy people because I think you’re afraid to let yourself feel sad.

The truth is, I need to befriend one of these positive people so that the two of us can combine personalities and meet somewhere in the middle. We could write a great buddy comedy about me and my manic pal who discovers me at my lowpoint: crying in the Coachella section of H&M as I realize that I’ve grown from a size 6 to size 10 over the course of a year. She’ll wear a size 4 of course and she won’t be able to sympathize with failure because she’s never experienced it, but she has also never let herself eat until it hurts and she’s always wondered what Cici’s Pizza Buffet might be like.

She and I would have so much to teach each other.

Seriously though. Two anecdotes:

We’ll start with me. I like to read people’s minds. If I don’t get an explicit reason for something from someone, I will invent a reason and then apply it to the situation as if it were fact. During my job search, this can be especially harmful. You go in for an interview, don’t hear back and then assume it’s because you made an ass of yourself and are some kind of hunchback human who needs to find work up in a tower where no one can see you ringing a bell pointlessly to tell time. That’s what the hunchback does, right? He rings the bell to let people know what time it is? Hunchback you became obsolete during the dark ages when the WATCH was invented. But I guess it isn’t hurting anyone to let the Hunchback pretend he has a job day after day… It’s like when you buy kids those Fisher Price toolsets and let them pretend to build shit but you silently judge them because they’re really just nailing fake plastic screws into more plastic and accomplishing nothing. Maybe someone should buy me one of those..?

More times than once, I have taken a job rejection so personally that I let it drag down my sense of self confidence in all areas of my life. Literally, I’ll get rejected from a job then go out into the world, open up the freezer at Ralphs and let the icy cold freeze my tears and mask my palpable sorrow…While a young employee watches from afar in horror but refuses to intervene. I think this is a defense mechanism: you always assume you’ve done something wrong and are to blame so that when something good happens you can be pleasantly surprised.

My other anecdote is a bullet point list:

  • Call a spade a spade
  • The simplest answer is usually the correct answer
  • Don’t make excuses for shitty people being shitty people
  • Don’t defend someone who wouldn’t defend you the same way
  • Pretending something is wonderful won’t make it wonderful- it’ll still suck and you’ll have to deal with it.
  • If you sugarcoat something, the person you’re attempting to shield from harsh criticism will never actually learn.
  • If someone doesn’t take a hint, give them a bigger and better hint. Or you know, stop hinting and just tell them. This isn’t fucking Trivia Night.
  • If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification and don’t call yourself an idiot for asking for clarification. People explain things shittily sometimes

Sometimes my brain is all over the place, today is one of those days. This is uh, an odd post but I think if you look hard enough you’ll find some nuggets of wisdom.

I just reread this and I honestly have no idea what this is, so I’m going to just add some funny gifs at the end like BuzzFeed. That’ll get the Millennials excited, right?

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(lol enjoy that last one the most.)

Unfriended

It’s exactly like it sounds- a shitty movie that uses Facebook as a narrative tool. I was craving a terrible horror movie so the second I saw this tagline I knew I’d found The One:

“A group of online chat room friends find themselves haunted by a mysterious, supernatural, force using the account of their dead friend.”

Yaaaz Kween. Before I start diving into my review, I just want you to know that this flick is currently on HBO Go, so you NEED to go on there and watch it ASAP before they take it off. My gut tells me they might take it off sooner rather than later.

The best part about this movie is that the entire thing is from the perspective that you are sitting on your laptop fucking around on the internet. Since I spend the majority of my days doing that anyway, I felt instantly comfortable and slightly aroused by the 2014 Macbook iOS. A lot of the time I felt like I was stalking a group of highschoolers while they got terrorized. I kinda felt like I was the one forcing them to kill themselves, which was fun for me.

Movie starts with the main girl, Blaire, getting dirty on Skype with her weird looking boyfriend Mitch (who she annoyingly refers to as ‘Mitchie’ the entire movie.) She invites him over to her place to take her virginity and he’s got a raging boner, until their friends crash the party for a Google Hangout style Skype conference. What ever happened to the good old days of talking on AIM chat rooms together?

But we quickly realize, something isn’t right about this conference. There is a rando lurking among them and no one can figure out how to get the person off the call. You don’t actually see the face of the rando but you see their user icon and they can type shit if they want. The group of pals keep trying to hang up on the rando but it won’t work so they assume it’s a glitch.

Until their dead classmate starts MESSAGING all of them on Facebook from her DEAD Facebook account. Guys she’s dead. It’s super wtf, how can she chat from da grave? Well apparently, in this world, she can because she’s a spirit. But at first they all assume someone is fucking with them.

Side note- let me tell you how Laura Barns died. Laura Barns got super hammered one night and shit her pants. I am not kidding, Laura Barns got SO DRUNK she SHIT herself. I only know one person who has ever done that and it shockingly wasn’t me.

You’re thinking “Okay, you don’t need to kill yourself if you shit your pants… Happens to the best of us.” Well actually, reader, someone videoed the whole thing and it went VIRAL. The video shows Laura Barns passed the fuck out on the ground, wearing short shorts, with poo oozing out the sides. Yes, they do show the poo.

Everyone tells Laura to kill herself because it’s so embarrassing, and Laura gets aggressively cyber-bullied. So yeah, she takes a revolver to her head and blows herself to smithereens. Yikes!

Laura’s angry ghost wants to get some vengeance on the bitches who made the video (we don’t know who exactly that is.) Totally fair on her part- if my soul is unsettled when I die I will prob follow Laura’s lead. The thing is, no one takes this bitch seriously because they’re like “Wut? Spirits of undead pants poopers? No way…” Which is very rational.

At one point they add this girl Val to the chat because they think she’s responsible for the weird messages. Turns out VAL is also getting harassed. Then Laura’s corpse starts posting embarrassing drunk pictures of Val from the other people in the chat’s accounts… And then everyone starts fighting about it and it gets intense for a second. Val says some really fucked up shit. Then Laura’s corpse forces Val to kill herself by drinking bleach. Idk how she forces her to do it, but Laura’s corpse is omnipotent and apparently super persuasive?

Now everyone is legit scared because Val is dead on the floor (even though none of them even like Val so they were kind of okay with her passing.) Lots of heavy breathing by the one overweight dude, lots of panic from Blaire, lots of screaming from Adam (one of the other dudes.) I think this might actually be Adam’s breakout role, he really gave it his all. He is drunk the entire time which they never really explain? He’s just kind of sipping on a glass of whiskey like some fucking alcoholic grandpa. So he slowly over the course of the movie gets hammered, alone.

Other shit happens, but I don’t really care about it. The best part is when Laura blackmails all of them into playing a rousing game of Never Have I Ever. Anyone who knows me knows that this is my favorite game, because I love to ask invasive questions and force uncomfortable answers out of people I hardly know. (I would love to play Never Have I Ever with Bernie Sanders and his wife…) Well guess what guys? Laura is way better than me at asking questions. Laura’s corpse knows ALL. No secrets can be kept from Dead Laura Barns.

In this game of Never Have I Ever, it is revealed (via targeted questions) within this tight-knit group of friends that:

  • Jess started a rumor that Blaire had an eating disorder.
  • Blaire crashed Jess’s mom’s car and lied about it
  • Mitch ratted out Adam for selling pot- sending him to JAIL briefly.
  • Blaire (who is dating MITCH) fucked ADAM (Mitch’s best friend) and ISNT A VIRGIN LIKE SHE CLAIMED!!!!!

I really shouldn’t tell you more- because I actually just spoiled one of the best scenes in the entire movie. But the ride isn’t over at that point my friends, there is still quite a twist ahead for you. I really urge you to watch it, but if you DO you should plan on drinking an entire bottle of wine (or its alcoholic equivalent) over the course of the 85 minutes of screen time you will endure. It makes the movie a lot more enjoyable.

My rating: Go watch it now or else Laura Barns will rise from the dead and force you to stick a hot curling iron down your throat.

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