Megan Trainor’s Stupid New Song

If you haven’t heard it, please get in your car or any other place where you’re forced to listen to the radio. It will come on any “today’s hits” radio within minutes. It’s called “No.” It’s about being hit on by a man when you would not like to be hit on by the man hitting on you. In this situation, Megan says “No” to the man to express her disinterest.

I tend to (shamefully) like Megan Trainor, I actually grew to enjoy that one stupid “All About the Bass” song about luving ur body. I also am a huge fan of “Dear Future Husband” even though it’s literally the exact same song as Olly Murs “Dance With Me Tonight” (play the two songs one after another… Ben Stefonowicz opened my eyes to this phenomenon and I am proud to say I got this one confirmed by him.)

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I theoretically like what Megan Trainor stands for, but let’s take a few excerpts from this new ditty.

“I think it’s cute and I think it’s sweet how you let your friends encourage you to talk to me.”

Harmless, right?

She then goes on to say

“But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak.” 

Megan, I get the point. You’re out with your ladies and you don’t want to be bothered. But you’re just shutting down a dude who probably has some serious approach anxiety. His bros had to help him work up the courage to come talk to you, and now you’re turning him away before he even gets a chance to speak. He is going to think he’s ugly or stinky or something just like YOU would if a guy did that to YOU! What if some other ladies at the club DO want to be approached? You’ve ruined their chances with this guy because he’s going to feel like a class A wiener for the rest of the night. He will probably drown his sorrows in booze and end up barfing in a back alleyway because he feels so worthless.

In the next lyric she talks about how annoying it is when guys spit game at her about how she’s “not like other girls” or how she’s “beautiful.” That’s totally fair if you don’t like that, but some of us need that validation Megan. How will we know that we’re beautiful if random guys at bars don’t tell us so? Also what if this guy really MEANS you aren’t like other girls, what if this is the first time he has EVER said that to a girl? Also what if you’re kinda into him? It sounds like you’re not even open to the possibility of the guy being worthwhile??? Megan, if you don’t want anyone to approach you then you should try different bars like the ones my grandparents go to for wine before their Operas.

This lyric troubles me most:

“All my ladies, listen up
If that boy ain’t giving up
Lick your lips and swing your hips”

Megan, if I lick my lips and swing my hips the man harassing me sure as hell is not going to start listening to the words coming out of my mouth. I don’t care how many times I say “No” licking my lips is going to send the wrong message. Unless I lick them in the way I lick them when I have chapped lips, like that weird red and raw way where they get shiny for a second and then feel worse. And swinging my hips? Megan, I was blessed with birthing hips. They are literally a sign of fertility. Swinging them around, willy nilly, is going to bring the boys to the yard. Men can pretty much smell the fertility in my farts.

The rest of the song just repeats the same lyrics over and over again and it’s all the same jazz about not wanting dudes at da club to jock on your shit. I can respect this message, but this is another instance of feminists victimizing themselves. I totally agree, women should be able to go out to da club and not be harassed by dudes who wanna stick their shaft into them. But I also think we’re strong enough to remove ourselves from that situation to the point that we shouldn’t need an entire song about it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is stop crying about guys at da club annoying you. When you enter a club, you are entering a “singles zone” where a lot of people have the goal of meeting someone to get “jiggy wit.” I totally understand if that’s not your aim, but if a guy comes and talks to you and you’re not into him, is that a crime against women? If he gets violent or aggressive, yes, that’s a crime against women. But I don’t think harmless pickup lines are going to kill you.

To me, this isn’t an anthem that we need to be singing. Do men feel afraid of telling a ballsy WOMAN “no” at da club if they aren’t interested? No. I don’t need any song to remind me that it’s okay to tell a guy no if he’s bothering me.

How about we sing a song about how guys don’t want to be “just friends” with girls if there is no chance at sex? How about we sing about awkward friends with benefits situations where you lose both the friend AND the benefits? How about we write a song about how awkward it is when you give a guy your number thinking there’s no way he thinks you want to date him, then he asks you on a date and you have to awkwardly avoid hanging out with him and sending him the wrong message?

If a guy strikes up an unwanted conversation with me, I’ll deal with it. I’m big bold and beautiful enough to handle this situation gracelessly.

My lyrical version of “No”:

“My name is, Stan” 

“My sign is, Scorpio”

“My number is- first let me show you a picture of my bloody shit”

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(a typical reaction to the above interaction)

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