Baby’s First Open Mic Night

One of my New Years resolutions was to perform at two open mic nights over the course of 2016. I went conservative with it because I knew if I set the number too high I would get intimidated and perform at ZERO. I made a note on my calendar that I needed to do one last night. So I naturally spent none of yesterday preparing for it. (Was super busy thinking of excuses not to go to the open mic night.)


I resigned myself to just going and scoping out the scene. I decided on M.I’s Westside Comedy Club because it’s my favorite spot. I convinced Justin to come with me (I threatened him with a freshly sharpened kitchen knife) but he thought I should perform. Well, he actually said “I know that when we get there you’re gonna see the other people signing up and then you’re gonna decide you want to perform.”

Why am I so predictable? I accidentally put my name in twice because they gave each of us a slip of paper with our tickets. I thought I just had two chances, nope one of the slips was for Justin. I quickly realized that the people who put in more than one slip got called the fuck out. Hard. My name was called pretty quickly and then Justin and I both clenched our buttholes in fear that it would be called again and we’d look like dicks.

Crisis averted. Only got called once. But I’d only had one beer to drink (I drink beer now, we’ll save that for Thirsty Thursday) and was so unprepared. Since the audience was 97% straight dudes who thought they were the shit, I decided not to go with my masturbation set. I only had three minutes up there and I don’t even really know what three minutes feels like.

My name got called fifth, which is great positioning because everyone is still there and they aren’t sick of shitty comedy yet. The problem is that no one was THAT shitty. Everyone actually had stuff prepared and landed at least a few jokes. One guy made jokes about Hilary Clinton eating her young, another guy made jokes about Asians having blurry vaginas, and one guy just kept saying he had tourettes but didn’t explain it?

Me? I talked about women with mustaches. I got some laughs, but I talked way too fast. I had an extra 30 seconds left with nothing to talk about so I threw in an abridged version of my “I think I accidentally tried to hook up with a closeted gay guy in college” story.

Overall, I was super impressed by the quality of people performing at what I thought would be a shitty open mic night. Open mics in Los Angeles are notorious for being terrible (actually I’m pretty sure open mics everywhere are notoriously terrible) but very few people who performed at this one were unprepared. I actually learned a lot. I feel like I watched an episode of Reading Rainbow.

Will I do it again? Yes. I’m so BRAVE. Right?

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