Becoming a Beer Drinker

I used to not drink beer because it made my stomach inflate “is that a basketball under there?” pregnant woman style and then i’d turn into that annoying girl who complained about how bloated she felt all night long. Also beer tastes like urine.

No I am not butt cured, but I am in a very effective stage of denial. Turns out the medication I am taking to treat other schtifff actually MASKS the symptoms of Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. Just in case you don’t understand what that means (you’re an idiot) I’ll explain a bit more: I am not cured, I still have some mystery disease that requires expensive testing to determine conclusive treatment. Since I’m unemployed, I’d rather just do the bare minimum to stay alive.

The point is, kids, Bigfatrina is officially back to play. Bring on the pizza and buffalo wingzzzzz. And alcoholic pee drank!

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Beer though. I am going through the phase most of you went through in college. The light beer phase. You don’t like the taste of it, but you want to fit in so you power through it. Here are my reviews of the beers I’ve dealt with so far:

Bud Light: The piss taste is strong, but it’s light enough that I can cringe my way through it and even smile a creepy smile occasionally. I lost a round of Kings and this was the first can of beer I ever chugged. I cried at the end of it. I cried tears of shitty beer. Would never choose this willingly but would also absolutely not judge someone if they offered it to me. Because I’m Up For Whatever hehheehehheehehehehehehehehhhhhhehehhgehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhheeheheh


PBR: I got this one ON TAP at a comedy club. Because it was the cheapest thing they had and I wanted to laugh away my sorrows with the help of liquid courage. Piss taste strong, also a distinct hint of cigarette ashes from the pipe of a mustached hipster. Is that still a thing? Hipsters drinking PBR? Anyone? Please answer me… Please… I’m so lonely.

I remember when David asked me to drink some of his PBR tallboy at The Satellite back in the day and I took a tiny insulted sip and nearly spit it in his face. Those days are over.


Stone IPA: What the actual fuck did I just drink? I swear this tastes like what I imagine the liquid inside a skunk tastes like before he sprays it to ward off potential predators. After literally every sip I would go “UGGHHHH WHAT THE FUCK MAN?” to the friendly guy who gave me the beer. Eventually he was like “Jesus Christ, give it back to me you asshole…” And then I happily drank a Rolling Rock.

Sprayed by a skunk
Stone IPA Attack

Rolling Rock: I am a fan. It tastes the least like urine of the above. I can’t drink it quickly, but that’s a good thing because beer is a social drink. It forces me to stop and inhale the scents of the forest that I can’t smell. I appreciate Rolling Rock. I would have been a good candidate for a Rolling Rock keg stand. Just kidding, if that ever happened I would barf all over someone’s legs and then the one sober girl in the room would clean it up and resent me for ever.

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Stella: I think Stella was misrepresented to me quite a few times. I was told it was a “classy” beer. So I ordered it at the comedy club to impress Justin. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted, so when we sat down I was like “hey… you know… I’m drinking Stella.” And he shook his head as he took a pull from his dark bottle of Alaskan Amber “Stella is shitty, it’s fake fancy so that people can feel good about drinking light beer.” Umm… Okay… This was actually my favorite beer that I tried? And now you’re undermining my ability because I can’t keep up with you and my Dad and your Dogfish Head bullshit? Whatever man, I can slam whiskey better than you.

stella hat

The journey continues my friends. I am going to LA Beerfest with some friends (by myself) this weekend and I’m going to try EVERYTHING. There are a few cider brands attending so I’ll probably hide at their tents for at least a little while and harass them for free stuff or for a job as an apple picker on their orchards. I would be such a good apple picker, if anyone reading this is hiring an apple picker please let me know ASAP. I would do it for very cheaply and I’ll even play with the farm cats as a free bonus.

Any recommendations for beginner beer (specifically IPA so I can spit in Justin’s face) would be greatly appreciated.

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