Unfriended

It’s exactly like it sounds- a shitty movie that uses Facebook as a narrative tool. I was craving a terrible horror movie so the second I saw this tagline I knew I’d found The One:

“A group of online chat room friends find themselves haunted by a mysterious, supernatural, force using the account of their dead friend.”

Yaaaz Kween. Before I start diving into my review, I just want you to know that this flick is currently on HBO Go, so you NEED to go on there and watch it ASAP before they take it off. My gut tells me they might take it off sooner rather than later.

The best part about this movie is that the entire thing is from the perspective that you are sitting on your laptop fucking around on the internet. Since I spend the majority of my days doing that anyway, I felt instantly comfortable and slightly aroused by the 2014 Macbook iOS. A lot of the time I felt like I was stalking a group of highschoolers while they got terrorized. I kinda felt like I was the one forcing them to kill themselves, which was fun for me.

Movie starts with the main girl, Blaire, getting dirty on Skype with her weird looking boyfriend Mitch (who she annoyingly refers to as ‘Mitchie’ the entire movie.) She invites him over to her place to take her virginity and he’s got a raging boner, until their friends crash the party for a Google Hangout style Skype conference. What ever happened to the good old days of talking on AIM chat rooms together?

But we quickly realize, something isn’t right about this conference. There is a rando lurking among them and no one can figure out how to get the person off the call. You don’t actually see the face of the rando but you see their user icon and they can type shit if they want. The group of pals keep trying to hang up on the rando but it won’t work so they assume it’s a glitch.

Until their dead classmate starts MESSAGING all of them on Facebook from her DEAD Facebook account. Guys she’s dead. It’s super wtf, how can she chat from da grave? Well apparently, in this world, she can because she’s a spirit. But at first they all assume someone is fucking with them.

Side note- let me tell you how Laura Barns died. Laura Barns got super hammered one night and shit her pants. I am not kidding, Laura Barns got SO DRUNK she SHIT herself. I only know one person who has ever done that and it shockingly wasn’t me.

You’re thinking “Okay, you don’t need to kill yourself if you shit your pants… Happens to the best of us.” Well actually, reader, someone videoed the whole thing and it went VIRAL. The video shows Laura Barns passed the fuck out on the ground, wearing short shorts, with poo oozing out the sides. Yes, they do show the poo.

Everyone tells Laura to kill herself because it’s so embarrassing, and Laura gets aggressively cyber-bullied. So yeah, she takes a revolver to her head and blows herself to smithereens. Yikes!

Laura’s angry ghost wants to get some vengeance on the bitches who made the video (we don’t know who exactly that is.) Totally fair on her part- if my soul is unsettled when I die I will prob follow Laura’s lead. The thing is, no one takes this bitch seriously because they’re like “Wut? Spirits of undead pants poopers? No way…” Which is very rational.

At one point they add this girl Val to the chat because they think she’s responsible for the weird messages. Turns out VAL is also getting harassed. Then Laura’s corpse starts posting embarrassing drunk pictures of Val from the other people in the chat’s accounts… And then everyone starts fighting about it and it gets intense for a second. Val says some really fucked up shit. Then Laura’s corpse forces Val to kill herself by drinking bleach. Idk how she forces her to do it, but Laura’s corpse is omnipotent and apparently super persuasive?

Now everyone is legit scared because Val is dead on the floor (even though none of them even like Val so they were kind of okay with her passing.) Lots of heavy breathing by the one overweight dude, lots of panic from Blaire, lots of screaming from Adam (one of the other dudes.) I think this might actually be Adam’s breakout role, he really gave it his all. He is drunk the entire time which they never really explain? He’s just kind of sipping on a glass of whiskey like some fucking alcoholic grandpa. So he slowly over the course of the movie gets hammered, alone.

Other shit happens, but I don’t really care about it. The best part is when Laura blackmails all of them into playing a rousing game of Never Have I Ever. Anyone who knows me knows that this is my favorite game, because I love to ask invasive questions and force uncomfortable answers out of people I hardly know. (I would love to play Never Have I Ever with Bernie Sanders and his wife…) Well guess what guys? Laura is way better than me at asking questions. Laura’s corpse knows ALL. No secrets can be kept from Dead Laura Barns.

In this game of Never Have I Ever, it is revealed (via targeted questions) within this tight-knit group of friends that:

  • Jess started a rumor that Blaire had an eating disorder.
  • Blaire crashed Jess’s mom’s car and lied about it
  • Mitch ratted out Adam for selling pot- sending him to JAIL briefly.
  • Blaire (who is dating MITCH) fucked ADAM (Mitch’s best friend) and ISNT A VIRGIN LIKE SHE CLAIMED!!!!!

I really shouldn’t tell you more- because I actually just spoiled one of the best scenes in the entire movie. But the ride isn’t over at that point my friends, there is still quite a twist ahead for you. I really urge you to watch it, but if you DO you should plan on drinking an entire bottle of wine (or its alcoholic equivalent) over the course of the 85 minutes of screen time you will endure. It makes the movie a lot more enjoyable.

My rating: Go watch it now or else Laura Barns will rise from the dead and force you to stick a hot curling iron down your throat.

Unfriended2

 

 

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