Incessant Cynicism OR Optimism

We’re getting a little abstract here, promise I’m not high right now. If I was high at 9:00 am I would be at Denny’s doing the bottomless pancake deal with reckless abandon. Like I said in the very beginning- Talk Shit Tuesday can be about anything. It isn’t always going to be a public figure or even a person.

I keep getting shit on lately for being cynical… Deservedly so. I went off on a really depressing tangent at brunch the other day about how if Modern Family wanted to be realistic the Dunphy parents wouldn’t be cutesy but instead they’d constantly be on the brink of a fight or otherwise barbing one another with passive aggression. A few days before that, I told someone that every time I see a new couple engaged on Facebook I instantly feel bad for them as they embark on the sad winding road that is the odyssey into an unfulfilling marriage.

Yeah, I’m a Natasha Bedingfield style Pocket Full of Sunshine, right? This is why people love me so much. I’m sort of kidding when I say all of these things…I guess I might be trying to be funny… It’s probably not healthy. I humbly prefer my own negativity to the alternative: incessant optimism.

My other way of explaining this is “that person” who refuses to accept bad things in any given situation. The constantly “nice” person. The one who is just a drop of golden sunshine out of Barney the Dinosaur’s asshole. You never see them in a bad mood because they refuse to get in a bad mood because bad things don’t happen in this world and a frown can always be turned upside down.

I’m not suggesting that everyone should deadpan morbid sarcastic remarks at every corner (I’m working on it) but you’re allowed to be a human. You’re allowed to show the range of emotions that occupy a human brain. You’re allowed to have a resting bitch face once in a while. Part of me, the part that isn’t a selfish asshole, is worried for you happy people because I think you’re afraid to let yourself feel sad.

The truth is, I need to befriend one of these positive people so that the two of us can combine personalities and meet somewhere in the middle. We could write a great buddy comedy about me and my manic pal who discovers me at my lowpoint: crying in the Coachella section of H&M as I realize that I’ve grown from a size 6 to size 10 over the course of a year. She’ll wear a size 4 of course and she won’t be able to sympathize with failure because she’s never experienced it, but she has also never let herself eat until it hurts and she’s always wondered what Cici’s Pizza Buffet might be like.

She and I would have so much to teach each other.

Seriously though. Two anecdotes:

We’ll start with me. I like to read people’s minds. If I don’t get an explicit reason for something from someone, I will invent a reason and then apply it to the situation as if it were fact. During my job search, this can be especially harmful. You go in for an interview, don’t hear back and then assume it’s because you made an ass of yourself and are some kind of hunchback human who needs to find work up in a tower where no one can see you ringing a bell pointlessly to tell time. That’s what the hunchback does, right? He rings the bell to let people know what time it is? Hunchback you became obsolete during the dark ages when the WATCH was invented. But I guess it isn’t hurting anyone to let the Hunchback pretend he has a job day after day… It’s like when you buy kids those Fisher Price toolsets and let them pretend to build shit but you silently judge them because they’re really just nailing fake plastic screws into more plastic and accomplishing nothing. Maybe someone should buy me one of those..?

More times than once, I have taken a job rejection so personally that I let it drag down my sense of self confidence in all areas of my life. Literally, I’ll get rejected from a job then go out into the world, open up the freezer at Ralphs and let the icy cold freeze my tears and mask my palpable sorrow…While a young employee watches from afar in horror but refuses to intervene. I think this is a defense mechanism: you always assume you’ve done something wrong and are to blame so that when something good happens you can be pleasantly surprised.

My other anecdote is a bullet point list:

  • Call a spade a spade
  • The simplest answer is usually the correct answer
  • Don’t make excuses for shitty people being shitty people
  • Don’t defend someone who wouldn’t defend you the same way
  • Pretending something is wonderful won’t make it wonderful- it’ll still suck and you’ll have to deal with it.
  • If you sugarcoat something, the person you’re attempting to shield from harsh criticism will never actually learn.
  • If someone doesn’t take a hint, give them a bigger and better hint. Or you know, stop hinting and just tell them. This isn’t fucking Trivia Night.
  • If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification and don’t call yourself an idiot for asking for clarification. People explain things shittily sometimes

Sometimes my brain is all over the place, today is one of those days. This is uh, an odd post but I think if you look hard enough you’ll find some nuggets of wisdom.

I just reread this and I honestly have no idea what this is, so I’m going to just add some funny gifs at the end like BuzzFeed. That’ll get the Millennials excited, right?

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(lol enjoy that last one the most.)

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