How to Drink Without Getting Fat

Based on my last post, you probably deduced that I am trying to shed a few unwanted LBz. I have a ladies trip to Vegas for Memorial Day weekend. Nuff Said. Well my gift to you this Thirsty Thursday is a few tips on how to make sure you can still have fun and party it up without ruining your fatness goals.

Please note that while I am doling out this advice it does not mean that I am following any of it. I just figured maybe if I pay it forward Haley Joe Osment might show up at my door and let me know that I done somethin right for once in my life. Here’s my advice, obviously what you came here for:

Beer and Cider- not your best option…Duh: 

Cider has single-handedly been my personal downfall. Sure, one bottle to start off your night isn’t going to kill your gainz… But when you’re finishing a six pack more than once in a weekend the calories get REAL. Same goes for beer, unless you drink the Michelob piss stuff that hardly has any alcohol in it. First step in trying to turn those gains around is to put a limit on your beer/cider intake in a given weekend. Not eliminate it- but limit it.

Hard liquor- unfortunately your best option: 

Spirits are naturally lower calorie and higher alcohol concentration, so they get the job done with minimal fatness. No, I’m not suggesting that you start slamming shots of vodka (unless you feel like a throwback to freshman year of college.) I’m also not suggesting that you order Whiskey-Cokes or other shit that actually tastes good. You gotta find a drink that you don’t really like the taste of, that has minimal calories. Mine is the classic Vodka Soda, although I don’t mind the taste of it at all anymore. Be careful though, you are gonna need to slow your ass down a lot compared to your beer/cider pace.

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I don’t even know who she is ^

Order your drinks “tall”: 

If you order a tall, it is not the same thing as a “double” unless your bartender is an incompetent piece of shit (it happened to me a couple times.) A tall basically just gives you a bigger glass with the same amount of alcohol as you’d have in the smaller glass. This is very convenient so that you don’t finish your drink in one gulp and end up on the floor of the bar crying about your past relationships. Seriously, they load those tiny glasses with so much ice that you get about one or two sips of drink before it’s gone. A tall drink allows you to drink slower and be social for longer.

Say no to taco trucks and otherwise horrible drunk decisions: 

Most of the fatness for me comes from my drunk pizza ordering habit. Your drunk mind is going to trick you every single time… You will be like “Ah pizza sounds so good right now, but I shouldn’t.” Then your drunk mind will perk up and say “Eh it’s fine, you can have pizza! Who cares? You don’t care! You’re the cool pizza kid!” Then you get an odd sense of confidence as you order the pizza and cheesy bread. The regret only sets in once you’ve finished far more than you planned on eating and then STILL have leftovers to face when you’re sober. I have no advice on how to fix this because I am currently working on it myself. GOOD LUCK KIDS!

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Bring your own alcohol to the pregame: 

If you don’t plan ahead you’re gonna be stuck drinking whatever the masses decide for you. I’m a loser and I bring my own alcohol as well as my own crystal light squirt flavoring bottle so that I can just put water in a cup and turn it into zero calorie juice to mask the horrible burning sensation of cheap vodka. If you really want to work on your fatness, these are the embarrassing things you have to do for yourself.

This is just a little taste of my sad techniques for drinking but not hating myself. Wait, actually I always DO still hate myself post-drinking but at least if I follow these guidelines I don’t have to encounter the sad reminder that is the Monday when none of my pants fit. Also, let me tag on a disclaimer to this whole article and the one before it… I don’t think I’m fat. I’m totally fine, if I actually had self confidence/ self esteem issues at the moment I wouldn’t be writing about it. I would be sulking in a corner. I’m just trying to help all of you get properly White Boy Wasted.

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