Planet of the Apes (the original one)

I’m back at it. Had to take a week long hiatus because sometimes life gets in the way. I can’t really explain the urge I felt today. The urge to watch Planet of the Apes. It was a strong urge, one that I needed to address as soon as possible. I still haven’t even watched the Game of Thrones premiere because I needed so desperately to watch Planet of the Apes.

It was so worth sitting through my shitty WiFi buffering every 20 minutes. This movie was made in 1968 when CGI didn’t exist and our grandparents were probably attractive. The special effects are minimal, but the ape faces are VERY convincing. Anyway, starring HOLLYWOOD HEARTHROB Charlton Heston, the originator of the sexy Dad Bod, this flick is nonstop action. I was invested the second they revealed the shriveled up female corpse on the spaceship. (Of course they had to kill her off, she was an astronaut and we’re talking about the late 60s… Women weren’t astronauts back then.)


(this is Charlton Heston, he was still pretty hot up until the end… for an old guy.)

The three boys land on this deserted, vapid planet. They’re pissed as fuck because they’ve literally been traveling for decades and all of their relatives have been dead for a super long time because TIME works differently when you’re flying around the universe. Remember Interstellar and how Matthew McConnaughey was stuck in a closet the whole time? But yeah, shit is looking pretty dismal for these three dudes. Of the three, I only care to know the main guy’s name was George Taylor because (*SPOILER ALERT*) everyone else pretty much DIES right away in a brutal monkey sneak attack on a wild human village. Prehistoric humans who can’t even speak. Poor defenseless humans.

So George conveniently gets shot in the throat, rendering him unable to use his voice and prove himself to be a non-prehistoric human. A Jane Goodall-esque doctor takes an interest in him and calls him “bright eyes” because he’s just so sexy. She’s the only one who wants to believe a human this advanced could exist, everyone else is in denial because duh, they’re apes. They don’t want the humans to revolt and take over. This is THEIR planet.

So he lives in a cage and they let him mate with the most attractive woman from the village. This leading lady delivers ZERO lines throughout the entire film. But it’s fine because in this world humans can’t talk anyway so it’s just the life they lead.

The entire movie is pretty much based around George being a maniac controversial character up in Ape Town. He wants to be treated with dignity but the apes treat him like we treat apes. Aka he has to sit naked in a cage full of his own shit, piss, and tears. He keeps trying to show the Jane Goodall woman how special he is, and she believes him, but she risks being charged for heresy if she defends him. Life is ruff!

I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, because I was very happy with it and would like anyone with an HBO Go account to go watch for themselves. So you can audibly say “OH SHIT!” at the final scene like my cat did.

My overall comments:

  • Since I have a useless degree in Film and Television, I have to say some douchey things that would make my teachers feel like they contributed something to society other than leading a hopeful woman to believe she has a chance to cut it in Hollywood.
    • Whenever there is a big revelation they do a quick zoom in on a persons reaction along with a little pick-me-up in the already unsettling music. It’s effective storytelling but also hilarious.
  • At the beginning of the movie they realized they needed to give some character exposition really fast before everyone died. So they literally had a monologue of one guy telling George what he thinks of him. “You know, you just don’t take no for an answer… You’re a REAL trailblazer… You really are just an optimistic guy.”
  • Of course George finds the only attractive woman in the entire human tribe IMMEDIATELY. Also how does she keep her facial hair/pubic hair so tame? They don’t shave in this world and she has perfectly shaped eyebrows.
  • Lol at humans in monkey suits
  • Lol at monkeys riding horses
  • I still don’t know why they killed everyone at the beginning? Were they hunting…? Why did they spare George?
  • There is a weird part where human bodies hang on a spitfire roasting skillet and it’s just grim as fuck. Very uncomfortable moment.
  • Why do these apes on a completely different planet speak English? If you watch the movie this question gets answered.
  • “Human see Human do” is a thing and it’s so condescending we should really stop saying it about monkeys.
  • Apes kissing is so right and so wrong. They shove their mouths at each other and peck quickly. I couldn’t find a scene of it but this scene is a classic. Pretty sure the other ape hisses at George for stealing his lady.
  • Best quote of the entire movie is when George speaks for the first time after his vocal chord injury and he’s caught up in the net “Get your hands off me you dirty stinking apes!” Imma use that at bars. Maybe Megan Trainor should try that.
  • Once George escapes they give him a change of rags and he refuses to put them on because they smell bad… As if he hasn’t been clothed in rags for the entire movie?

At the very end, the Ape Minister (I can’t remember his actual title) sees George sticking by his girlfriend (who can’t speak, duh he sticks by her) and he says:

“I didn’t realize men could be monogamous!”

And George delivers the best one liner of the entire film:

“On this planet, it’s easy!”

ape kiss

My review: Watch this shit if you wanna get weird with some APES. 


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