Pope Francis and “Amoris Laetitia”

Didn’t expect myself to be choosing a Pope for Fearless Friday but here we are… As a disclaimer, my knowledge of the Catholic religion and structure of leadership is minimal. All I know is that the Pope is a big deal fella and the things he does impacts the religion worldwide.

Well, let’s talk about the “Amoris Laetitia” I guess it’s Latin for “The Joy of Love.” After two years of self-examination, earlier today the Pope released an important document outlining “family issues.” Catholics around the world filled out lengthy questionnaires to determine whether or not the Catholic church meets their families’ needs.

Pope Francis is a left leaning Catholic which gave religious liberals hope that he might start to shift antiquated beliefs to fit today’s society. One of my biggest criticisms of modern religion is that it never adapts; they’re still following a system of beliefs established in an old society. I would love to see a major religion address issues like birth control, same sex marriage, abortions etc… What precedent might this set? Will other religions be forced to do the same? At least we’re starting a conversation.

Though the document did not go so far as to address birth control or abortions, there are subtle victories within it.

One of the issues addressed in the document was the cessation of the phrase “living in sin” to describe irregular living situations. This is a big win!!! As someone who is currently “living in sin” with a boyfriend with whom I share a bed… Thank you. The Pope says in this document that the church needs to stop applying moral laws as if they were “stones to throw at a person’s life.” HELL YES!! Yet another issue I have with modern religion, addressed. I get that you have moral guidelines to live by, but please don’t force them upon me.

My next favorite part is that the Pope addresses SEX ED!!! He admits that children must be educated on sex and sexuality. Rather than simplifying it and withholding information he says that children need to understand sex “within the broader framework of an education for love and mutual self-giving.” Mutual self-giving. I like that. I mean, granted he doesn’t mention sex for pleasure… Or the fact that you won’t burn alive if you have sex before marriage. But hey, requiring sexual education would be a step in the right direction!!!

Of course, he didn’t go so far as to allow gay marriage within the church but he does call for Catholics to respect the LGBT community. The direct quote is that a homosexual person needs to be “respected in his or her dignity and treated with consideration, and ‘every sign of unjust discrimination’ is to be carefully avoided, particularly any form of aggression or violence.” It pisses me off that they won’t budge on this issue, but it’s only a matter of time. As frustrating as it is, this is a good start.

The major victory in this document is regarding the Catholic policy on disallowing divorced from receiving communion. According to the Catholic church, marriage is indissoluble… HAH! With a divorce rate in the U.S alone of 40-50% the chance of your marriage being “indissoluble” is up to the flip of a coin. The Pope opens the door for Catholics to use their “moral judgment” in specific situations, which isn’t anything EXPLICIT but take the dubble-ya (W) where you can, right?

While the document doesn’t go nearly as far as I wish it had (because my opinion matters), sometimes progress is slow to move. Especially when you’re following a set of beliefs written a comically long time ago. Pope Francis is dealing with extremely touchy subjects that define the religion as it stands. If there is hope for change, it lies with him. It will move slow, but change is starting.

So is he really fearless? Even though the document hides from making controversial statements? Yes. The document’s theme is an important one: Acceptance. Our lives can’t be defined by rules written in black and white. You can never REALLY understand another person’s situation, ruling with rigidity on all issues isn’t realistic.

Fuck yeah Pope Francis, you’re fearless for being a reasonable human being!

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“I’m the freakin’ Pope”

 

 

 

Becoming a Beer Drinker

I used to not drink beer because it made my stomach inflate “is that a basketball under there?” pregnant woman style and then i’d turn into that annoying girl who complained about how bloated she felt all night long. Also beer tastes like urine.

No I am not butt cured, but I am in a very effective stage of denial. Turns out the medication I am taking to treat other schtifff actually MASKS the symptoms of Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. Just in case you don’t understand what that means (you’re an idiot) I’ll explain a bit more: I am not cured, I still have some mystery disease that requires expensive testing to determine conclusive treatment. Since I’m unemployed, I’d rather just do the bare minimum to stay alive.

The point is, kids, Bigfatrina is officially back to play. Bring on the pizza and buffalo wingzzzzz. And alcoholic pee drank!

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Beer though. I am going through the phase most of you went through in college. The light beer phase. You don’t like the taste of it, but you want to fit in so you power through it. Here are my reviews of the beers I’ve dealt with so far:

Bud Light: The piss taste is strong, but it’s light enough that I can cringe my way through it and even smile a creepy smile occasionally. I lost a round of Kings and this was the first can of beer I ever chugged. I cried at the end of it. I cried tears of shitty beer. Would never choose this willingly but would also absolutely not judge someone if they offered it to me. Because I’m Up For Whatever hehheehehheehehehehehehehehhhhhhehehhgehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhheeheheh

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PBR: I got this one ON TAP at a comedy club. Because it was the cheapest thing they had and I wanted to laugh away my sorrows with the help of liquid courage. Piss taste strong, also a distinct hint of cigarette ashes from the pipe of a mustached hipster. Is that still a thing? Hipsters drinking PBR? Anyone? Please answer me… Please… I’m so lonely.

I remember when David asked me to drink some of his PBR tallboy at The Satellite back in the day and I took a tiny insulted sip and nearly spit it in his face. Those days are over.

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Stone IPA: What the actual fuck did I just drink? I swear this tastes like what I imagine the liquid inside a skunk tastes like before he sprays it to ward off potential predators. After literally every sip I would go “UGGHHHH WHAT THE FUCK MAN?” to the friendly guy who gave me the beer. Eventually he was like “Jesus Christ, give it back to me you asshole…” And then I happily drank a Rolling Rock.

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Stone IPA Attack

Rolling Rock: I am a fan. It tastes the least like urine of the above. I can’t drink it quickly, but that’s a good thing because beer is a social drink. It forces me to stop and inhale the scents of the forest that I can’t smell. I appreciate Rolling Rock. I would have been a good candidate for a Rolling Rock keg stand. Just kidding, if that ever happened I would barf all over someone’s legs and then the one sober girl in the room would clean it up and resent me for ever.

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Stella: I think Stella was misrepresented to me quite a few times. I was told it was a “classy” beer. So I ordered it at the comedy club to impress Justin. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted, so when we sat down I was like “hey… you know… I’m drinking Stella.” And he shook his head as he took a pull from his dark bottle of Alaskan Amber “Stella is shitty, it’s fake fancy so that people can feel good about drinking light beer.” Umm… Okay… This was actually my favorite beer that I tried? And now you’re undermining my ability because I can’t keep up with you and my Dad and your Dogfish Head bullshit? Whatever man, I can slam whiskey better than you.

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Continue reading “Becoming a Beer Drinker”

Baby’s First Open Mic Night

One of my New Years resolutions was to perform at two open mic nights over the course of 2016. I went conservative with it because I knew if I set the number too high I would get intimidated and perform at ZERO. I made a note on my calendar that I needed to do one last night. So I naturally spent none of yesterday preparing for it. (Was super busy thinking of excuses not to go to the open mic night.)

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I resigned myself to just going and scoping out the scene. I decided on M.I’s Westside Comedy Club because it’s my favorite spot. I convinced Justin to come with me (I threatened him with a freshly sharpened kitchen knife) but he thought I should perform. Well, he actually said “I know that when we get there you’re gonna see the other people signing up and then you’re gonna decide you want to perform.”

Why am I so predictable? I accidentally put my name in twice because they gave each of us a slip of paper with our tickets. I thought I just had two chances, nope one of the slips was for Justin. I quickly realized that the people who put in more than one slip got called the fuck out. Hard. My name was called pretty quickly and then Justin and I both clenched our buttholes in fear that it would be called again and we’d look like dicks.

Crisis averted. Only got called once. But I’d only had one beer to drink (I drink beer now, we’ll save that for Thirsty Thursday) and was so unprepared. Since the audience was 97% straight dudes who thought they were the shit, I decided not to go with my masturbation set. I only had three minutes up there and I don’t even really know what three minutes feels like.

My name got called fifth, which is great positioning because everyone is still there and they aren’t sick of shitty comedy yet. The problem is that no one was THAT shitty. Everyone actually had stuff prepared and landed at least a few jokes. One guy made jokes about Hilary Clinton eating her young, another guy made jokes about Asians having blurry vaginas, and one guy just kept saying he had tourettes but didn’t explain it?

Me? I talked about women with mustaches. I got some laughs, but I talked way too fast. I had an extra 30 seconds left with nothing to talk about so I threw in an abridged version of my “I think I accidentally tried to hook up with a closeted gay guy in college” story.

Overall, I was super impressed by the quality of people performing at what I thought would be a shitty open mic night. Open mics in Los Angeles are notorious for being terrible (actually I’m pretty sure open mics everywhere are notoriously terrible) but very few people who performed at this one were unprepared. I actually learned a lot. I feel like I watched an episode of Reading Rainbow.

Will I do it again? Yes. I’m so BRAVE. Right?

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Megan Trainor’s Stupid New Song

If you haven’t heard it, please get in your car or any other place where you’re forced to listen to the radio. It will come on any “today’s hits” radio within minutes. It’s called “No.” It’s about being hit on by a man when you would not like to be hit on by the man hitting on you. In this situation, Megan says “No” to the man to express her disinterest.

I tend to (shamefully) like Megan Trainor, I actually grew to enjoy that one stupid “All About the Bass” song about luving ur body. I also am a huge fan of “Dear Future Husband” even though it’s literally the exact same song as Olly Murs “Dance With Me Tonight” (play the two songs one after another… Ben Stefonowicz opened my eyes to this phenomenon and I am proud to say I got this one confirmed by him.)

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I theoretically like what Megan Trainor stands for, but let’s take a few excerpts from this new ditty.

“I think it’s cute and I think it’s sweet how you let your friends encourage you to talk to me.”

Harmless, right?

She then goes on to say

“But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak.” 

Megan, I get the point. You’re out with your ladies and you don’t want to be bothered. But you’re just shutting down a dude who probably has some serious approach anxiety. His bros had to help him work up the courage to come talk to you, and now you’re turning him away before he even gets a chance to speak. He is going to think he’s ugly or stinky or something just like YOU would if a guy did that to YOU! What if some other ladies at the club DO want to be approached? You’ve ruined their chances with this guy because he’s going to feel like a class A wiener for the rest of the night. He will probably drown his sorrows in booze and end up barfing in a back alleyway because he feels so worthless.

In the next lyric she talks about how annoying it is when guys spit game at her about how she’s “not like other girls” or how she’s “beautiful.” That’s totally fair if you don’t like that, but some of us need that validation Megan. How will we know that we’re beautiful if random guys at bars don’t tell us so? Also what if this guy really MEANS you aren’t like other girls, what if this is the first time he has EVER said that to a girl? Also what if you’re kinda into him? It sounds like you’re not even open to the possibility of the guy being worthwhile??? Megan, if you don’t want anyone to approach you then you should try different bars like the ones my grandparents go to for wine before their Operas.

This lyric troubles me most:

“All my ladies, listen up
If that boy ain’t giving up
Lick your lips and swing your hips”

Megan, if I lick my lips and swing my hips the man harassing me sure as hell is not going to start listening to the words coming out of my mouth. I don’t care how many times I say “No” licking my lips is going to send the wrong message. Unless I lick them in the way I lick them when I have chapped lips, like that weird red and raw way where they get shiny for a second and then feel worse. And swinging my hips? Megan, I was blessed with birthing hips. They are literally a sign of fertility. Swinging them around, willy nilly, is going to bring the boys to the yard. Men can pretty much smell the fertility in my farts.

The rest of the song just repeats the same lyrics over and over again and it’s all the same jazz about not wanting dudes at da club to jock on your shit. I can respect this message, but this is another instance of feminists victimizing themselves. I totally agree, women should be able to go out to da club and not be harassed by dudes who wanna stick their shaft into them. But I also think we’re strong enough to remove ourselves from that situation to the point that we shouldn’t need an entire song about it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is stop crying about guys at da club annoying you. When you enter a club, you are entering a “singles zone” where a lot of people have the goal of meeting someone to get “jiggy wit.” I totally understand if that’s not your aim, but if a guy comes and talks to you and you’re not into him, is that a crime against women? If he gets violent or aggressive, yes, that’s a crime against women. But I don’t think harmless pickup lines are going to kill you.

To me, this isn’t an anthem that we need to be singing. Do men feel afraid of telling a ballsy WOMAN “no” at da club if they aren’t interested? No. I don’t need any song to remind me that it’s okay to tell a guy no if he’s bothering me.

How about we sing a song about how guys don’t want to be “just friends” with girls if there is no chance at sex? How about we sing about awkward friends with benefits situations where you lose both the friend AND the benefits? How about we write a song about how awkward it is when you give a guy your number thinking there’s no way he thinks you want to date him, then he asks you on a date and you have to awkwardly avoid hanging out with him and sending him the wrong message?

If a guy strikes up an unwanted conversation with me, I’ll deal with it. I’m big bold and beautiful enough to handle this situation gracelessly.

My lyrical version of “No”:

“My name is, Stan” 

“My sign is, Scorpio”

“My number is- first let me show you a picture of my bloody shit”

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(a typical reaction to the above interaction)

Tropic Thunder

I never said the movies were going to be current, or movies I haven’t seen before. To be fair, I hadn’t seen Tropic Thunder since I was in high school and it’s currently on HBO Go so it was too easy.

Let’s get right into this.

My Synopsis: This is really hard for me to write without feeling like I’m doing coverage or a film school assignment. Alright Katrina, shut up. Uh. So. All these A-list douchebag actors come together to be in one movie, but the movie we are watching is about another movie being made. That movie is called Tropic Thunder. In the movie within a movie, the main characters are soldiers in the Vietnam War who are somehow separated from all of the rest of their platoon or whatever… Idk. These main characters are Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Junior, Jack Black, and then two lesser known actors who I don’t care to know the names of because they were clearly chosen to balance out the budget.

The director of the movie is directing his first ever feature film, which is funny because since it’s an action film the director is kind of irrelevant. He realizes he isn’t getting what he needs out of the actors so he throws the actors into the wilderness to make their acting “real.” The director drops them in the middle of the swamp lands and explains the plan, then he promptly steps on a REAL landmine and explodes into millions of pieces.

At this point the movie does become “real.” They accidentally landed in heroine making territory. Weeewooooo. The plot of the movie matters very little to why it’s so fucking hilarious. Instead of finishing off how it unfolds, let me just tell you why you should watch it.

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Jacked Ben Stiller: Pretty weird seeing Ben Stiller with jacked biceps. Also where the fuck did he go? He hasn’t been in anything notable for YEARS. (I realize he was in Zoolander 2, I said NOTABLE.) He actually directed and wrote this movie which impresses me if it’s actually true. He’s always been good about laughing at himself and playing the pathetically hilarious character, but in this movie he reaches new levels as Tug Speedman the former action flick star. As controversial as “Simple Jack” was when this movie was initially released, as well as their rampant use of the “r-word” it was used to point out a flaw in Hollywood’s portrayal of mentally handicapped characters. If this movie weren’t well executed and well-written the part would have stood out as horrifying but the startling truth of it is helpful to point out. So if jacked Ben Stiller actually helped write this, good for him.

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Robert Downey Jr: Robert Downey junior plays one of the black men in the platoon. In this weird inception situation, he plays an Australian blond man playing a black man. True to the common thread within the movie, this could have been SO OFFENSIVE, but it wasn’t received that way. The film lampoons actors who take themselves too seriously especially with “method acting” where they never break character. They used the other black platoon member to point out all of the Hollywood hypocrisy as well as the inaccuracies of the portrayal. Favorite part is when he starts speaking the Jefferson’s theme song in an emotional moment and gets called out for it.

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Tom Cruise: I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder at Tom Cruise. He’s the fat, balding, studio head. He’s almost completely unrecognizable. At one point he gets on the phone to negotiate with the drug lords “Flaming Dragon” who captured Ben Stiller’s character and this happens then later this. Hearing Tom Cruise say “Hobo’s dick cheese” then later dancing to Get Back as the credits roll… Priceless. If you watch the movie for nothing else, watch for this.

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This movie contains many startling truths about the way Hollywood operates. It’s obviously a satire but some of the portrayals that seem over-the-top are actually true to the way A-listers behave on set. I like that this movie knows how to use slapstick but also poignant commentary on celeb culture. My favorite thing about this movie though, is how SHITTY it could have been if one thing went wrong. Guess it didn’t.

My rating: Give it a watch if ya haven’t 🙂

USA Women’s Soccer

What better way to start off this section of my site than some badass bitches demanding what they deserve? For those of you who are out of the loop,  five of the biggest stars on the USA Women’s Soccer team filed a federal complaint against the US Soccer Federation for paying them less than their male counterparts. 

And guess what? This complaint is FINALLY being taken seriously. I mean, come on. They just won the fucking WORLD CUP. Oh yeah, they’re also Olympic champions? Casual. The men’s team has never made it past the World Cup quarterfinals. At least they tried! Let’s throw more money at them to see if they play better.

I was a three sport athlete growing up, and I can’t tell you how hilarious it was to hear guys constantly tell me how “pointless” women’s sports were. It was consistent to the point that all of us had no choice but to laugh along with the boys as they insulted our talent. We were the punchline of jokes, our accomplishments were undermined by the fact that we have vaginas. We were compared directly to men and because we physically could not match their stats, we were inadequate.

Cheers to the Women’s Soccer team for doing what all of us have always wanted to do: Stand up for ourselves. They have the stats to back it up, as well as overwhelming public support. Wage discrimination is illegal, but we’ve turned a blind eye to professional sports for as long as women have been ALLOWED to play.

USA Women’s Soccer started a conversation that can’t be ignored. They’ve opened the door for professional basketball and tennis players to demand the same (don’t get me started on that.) They’ve paved a path where female athletes will be taken more seriously than they ever have before.

Ladies of USA Women’s Soccer, you’re fearless as fuck. Thank you for being brave and making me proud to be a human with a vagina.

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