Anne Hathaway in Les Mis

This isn’t a movie review. I just really want to talk specifically about the scene in Les Mis where Anne Hathaway is dying of scurvy and slowly spiraling into the colonial version of rock bottom. It isn’t the cute type of rock bottom either… It’s like… HOLY shit you are not clean. You are literally filthy and you have really fallen far from the specimen of fertility you once were. imgres.jpg

For those of you who haven’t watched this movie, Anne Hathaway is beautiful at the beginning. She works in some clothing factory run by Hugh Jackman. All the other ladies hate her because she’s hot af and they’re homely af. She’s also just really good at her job, which in typical woman fashion, makes everyone jealous. God ladies, why can’t we be more industrial?

So the bitches of the clothing factory conspire against her to get her fired. It isn’t very difficult. They sing the entire time they do it. That’s the weirdest thing to me about musicals, they sing jaunty tunes as they do horrible things. Like in Rent they’re just singing about how they’re all dying of AIDS? I can’t handle that.

So anyway, Anne Hathaway gets fired from her job at the clothing factory. She’s thrown out onto the streets. Sucks. Worst part? She’s a single mother and her crazy sister and her husband are taking care of the child. She has to send them money or the child dies. Seriously, these people are so nutso that they would just let the child starve and wither away into a dried up raisin.

So Anne Hathaway wanders into what I will call the Dirty District. You know, that street that mom says not to go down because drug deals are happening and people are getting shot left and right? This dirty district looks like various shipwrecks. Dirty ladies hanging from windows and screaming this “Lovely Ladies” song. Anne Hathaway goes here to make her money, because she’s fucking beautiful. Selling yourself to the night is every beautiful woman’s plan Z. Not speaking from experience.

So this all happens very fast… First Anne Hathaway sells her hair… Her beautiful shiny brown hair. They cut it off with a rusty shiv and then do god knows what with it? Were they making wigs? Why are they paying for hair? Are they going to fashion it into a coat? This is the colonial times, they didn’t pay for extensions and weaves etc. I can’t imagine why they’d pay for her hair. Maybe they just really wanted to see how much she’d be willing to do it for, in a drunk frat party way?

Next up, infinitely more horrifying, she sells her teeth. They just sit her down, Sweeney Todd style, and rip out her teeth with rusty tetanus infected pliers that they probably also used to surgically remove a fat sweaty pirate’s hemorrhoids. Poor Anne, that one definitely hurt a lot.

So she’s crumpled up in the fetal position, wasting away, sending every penny she makes to her child. And then all the other Dirty District ladies are like “Wanna be a prostitute too?” And Anne is like… Fuck it. Yeah. So then some gross Pirate Ship Captain has sex with her and throws a couple quarters at her. JESUS ANNE, CHARGE MORE FOR THAT KIND OF SERVICE!

This is the part where I usually start crying. Anne is crumpled up in this weird coffin looking bed situation. She sings my favorite song of the whole movie, because I’m a dark and brooding bitch.

“I Dreamed A Dream” Is a nice tune about how men break our hearts time and time again, leaving us on death row with an incurable disease and nothing to our names. It leaves me wondering what happened to the man who impregnated her? Where the fuck did he go? She’s singing about how she loved him and they had a great time together and then he ran the fuck away from her. Dude… Don’t ghost in the colonial days… She has literally no way of finding you. It’s not cute. You can’t just GHOST someone you have a child with. You truly ruined her life. That’s what this song is about.

Last night as my Dad and I were winding down after the long day of moving. We’re drinking beers, channel surfing, Les Miz was on FXM at the hotel. This scene just started and I go:

“Dad, this is the most depressing scene in the movie!” In an excited tone, for some reason.

So he leaves it on, in its entirety.

Proud to say this is the first time I’ve watched it without crying.

I challenge anyone with a soul to watch this movie by themselves in a dark room, preferably when you’re already feeling sad about something going horribly in your life. Bonus points if you’re a menstruating woman. If you can successfully make it through this scene without crying, I’ll take you to In-N-Out. If you don’t live in California, I’ll mail you In-N-Out.

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She’s still so pretty somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

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