What NOT To Do When You’re Trying to Get Laid.

We’re parting from my standard rant format, this post is a list. A list of things that men have done either to me, or my friends. A list of things I would think are common sense in the dating game, but apparently, nope… Enjoy basking in the incompetence of the modern single twenty-something man.

Here is what NOT to do if you want a girl to get schwifty with you:

 

  1. Bring her home with you, play Tic Tac Toe with her and force her to watch music videos with you for two hours.
  2. Ask her what she wants to eat- then deliberately don’t order it.
  3. Tell her sternly, on the first date, that if she ever disrespects you, you’d punch her in the face.
  4. Ask her if she still wants to go for a hike with you when she just (lied and) told you she needs to leave to be with her friend who is having a mental breakdown.
  5. Reveal your weird Nightmare Before Christmas paraphernalia during what is clearly a one night stand.
  6. Tell her that she reminds you of Amy Schumer’s character from Trainwreck
  7. Repeatedly send her “?” when she doesn’t respond to you telling her that you’d like to see her posing naked around your home.
  8. Stare intently during awkward silences during dinner, scowl when she tries to diffuse the situation.
  9. Talk about your flourishing acting career.
  10. Talk about yourself as a serious actor at all.
  11. Eat Chef Boyardee raw, straight from the can, without using a spoon or utensils of any sort, while she watches in horror.
  12. Start talking to her about your girlfriend at 2:00 am when you’ve already wasted her time and ruined all of her other prospects.
  13. Tell her that you’ll “give her her cardio” when she says she needs to go to the gym.
  14. Leave her to pass out on the couch with your sexually aggressive dog while you smoke a bowl in your room by yourself.
  15. Complain that she has the “wrong contact solution” and then scream like a little bitch because your eyes burn.
  16. Ditch her to go to a strip club.
  17. Tell her that her hair looks like “the hair that comes out of a horse’s butt”
  18. Tell her that she “sounds like she has a lisp” on the phone.
  19. Buy her a drink, get your card rejected, then force her to pay for both of your drinks.
  20. Roll a joint in her car, smoke it, and then drop the remainder of it on the floor. Make no effort to find it.
  21. Ask her if you can try on her thong.
  22. Lean in for a kiss after you just hit a cat with your car…
  23. Create a playlist with all of her favorite bands (which you found on her Facebook) and play it for her on the second date.
  24.  Make it abundantly clear that you haven’t showered in four days. Even though she didn’t ask, or suspect it.
  25. Eat firey buffalo wings, forget to wash your hands, then get intimate…
  26. Bring her home, ask her if she wants a drink. When she says yes, open your refrigerator to reveal a lone head of broccoli and nothing else.
  27. Talk to her about how you’re going to hang out- then instead of actually hanging out with her, be inexplicably mean to her every time she attempts to communicate with you.
  28. Bring her and her friend home with you and your friend. Let them lay on your bed, offer them a box of graham crackers, then stare at them. When they ask why you’re staring, tell them you “just like watching them interact.”
  29. Tell her your favorite animal is a squirrel.
  30. When a girl on Bumble asks you why you moved to Los Angeles, let her know that you moved here for your girlfriend.
  31. Bring her to a Dave Matthews Band concert.

You think I’m kidding, because I like to kid. But these are all real stories. This should serve as a cautionary tale for those of you out there in the dating world. You truly never know when you’ll encounter a man who loves squirrels… but it does happen. They exist. There is a man out there who really LOVES squirrels. Just be very aware that when you agree to meet up with an almost stranger, you’re playing a game of Wheel of Fortune that has a VERY high probability of Pat Sajak going rogue, drenching you in gasoline, and lighting you on fire.

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One thought on “What NOT To Do When You’re Trying to Get Laid.

  1. Hey Katrina!

    I’m loving your blog (followed!) but I would also like to invite you to submit a short piece to my own. I think your perspective and style of writing would be a perfect piece for my project.

    It’d also be a great way to get your blog/writing out there.

    Please feel free to email me (jennifer@youngandtwenty) with more questions, or take a look at the ‘BEING Young & Twenty’ page on my blog.

    I hope I’ll hear from you 🙂

    Jennifer

    youngandtwenty.com

    Like

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