I’m obsessed with that Hailee Steinfeld song, Rock Bottom. In fact, I’m going to listen to it on loop until I finish this post. So I will probably hate it by the time I’m done if things go according to inevitability. I’m gonna try to help you decide whether or not YOU are on the right side of Rock Bottom.
If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly skimming along the gravel of Rock Bottom, barely avoiding a complete crash. It’s like that episode of Spongebob where they accidentally take the bus down the steep hill and are trapped with creepy-ass bottom dwellers who spit between every word they say. That’s where I live. I’m that one fish with the cool lamp on its head. Alright kids… Time to find out where you stand.
1.) Have you ever overdrafted using your debit card on drunk pizza?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. Your priorities are in order, you know the importance of nourishing the drunk soul. You might have to pay a fee at some point, but if you call your bank and explain the situation they will likely be understanding. Because what were you gonna do? Not get drunk pizza?
2.) Have you ever thrown up into your mesh baseball hat, forgotten about it, woken up, and found it cleaned in your dish rack?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. That’s disgusting.
3.) Do you ever go to the bathroom at work and pretend to take a massive shit just to swipe on Tinder and Bumble so that your coworkers don’t see you and judge you?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. You gotta do what you gotta do, not like you’re doing work anyway. The longer you can sit in there without people wondering if you’re okay the RIGHTER side of rock bottom you’re on.
4.) Have you spilled a whiskey ginger on your cold leftover fries (during a date) and still decided to keep them and eat them, despite them tasting like absolute shit, because you don’t want to waste them?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. That’s disgusting. Throw that shit out, they’re gonna be soggy as FUCK.
5.) Have you accidentally eaten weed candy, gotten higher than you ever thought possible, and not told anyone because you were afraid you were going to die?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. That’s hilarious and totally something that everyone can relate to. You are probably a stronger/better person for having gone through that experience.
6.) Do you keep a spare set of clothing in your car because you never know where you’ll be spending the night since you don’t have a home?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. Get a home. No one wants you living on their couch. They say they don’t mind, but they do. They want you out of their apartment. They’d rather throw you out on the streets, they just don’t want that negative karma in their life.
7.) Have you ever licked peanut butter off your iPhone screen?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. No one should ever waste peanut butter.
8.) Have you ever told a potential employer, in a job interview, that you would kill yourself to work for them?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. There’s a reason you never got that job. They probably reported you to a hospital clinic as soon as the interview was over and said “This fucker needs HELP.”
9.) Have you ever eaten your lunch at 11:00 am because you need the happiness that food brings you, ASAP?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. Food fixes everything. You might need a second lunch. But that’s okay, you deserve it.
10.) Do you regularly share YouTube videos and memes on Facebook?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. And there might be no saving you. You’re stuck there. You actually might have already been living there. Maybe you can translate their language for the rest of us.
11.) Do you consider yourself a member of the “Bey Hive?”
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. It’s cool if you’re a fan of Beyonce, a lot of people are. But why do you need to be a self proclaimed member of the Bey Hive? Which is essentially, from my understanding, a bunch of teenagers on Instagram who threaten murder on anyone who speaks negatively of Queen Bey… Also please stop calling her Queen Bey.
12.) Have you ever burst out sobbing in the middle of the H&M Coachella section over something that happened weeks prior?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. If there is any good place to cry, it’s the Coachella section at H&M. If for no other reason than the fact that a Coachella section exists in a prominent clothing establishment.
13.) Have you ever drunkenly gotten an enormous order of McDonalds, including but not limited to, McMuffins, McGriddles, McNuggets, Snack Wraps, and two large orders of fries for you and your friends, only to go home and eat most of it before they can have any?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. You should also go to a cardiologist and check to see if there are chicken remnants lodged in your arteries. Also maybe go see a priest and ask for forgiveness and confess to your sins. What you did was unforgivable on so many levels.
14.) Have you ever told three people you could hang out with them on the same night, then at the last minute have to cancel with two of them because you spent all day debating who you wanted to hang out with the most?
IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. You’re a dick.
15.) Have you recently started following a “Falling in Love” playlist on Spotify to listen to in the car, even though that’s the furthest thing from what is currently happening in your life?
IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. You’re Katrina Nicholson.
This list contains only SOME of the qualifications for visiting Rock Bottom. It is not all inclusive. Some of them happened to me. Some of them happened to people I know. Some of them apply to people I’ve interacted with. Some of them apply to people I hate. Rest assured, if you can relate to anything on this list, you’ve visited Rock Bottom. The challenge is not to EXIT Rock Bottom as fast as possible, it’s to be on the RIGHT side of Rock Bottom.