Things I Hate Almost as Much as Finding Dory

I know that it’s Thursday and technically this post should fall under Talk Shit Tuesday. But I’m going to do what I have done a few times before, and pretend that I’m posting this on the correct day and wait until someone calls me out for it. First person to call me out gets a slap on the face, a slap so hard that I’ll leave red finger marks across your cheek AND you’ll have to get your face removed.

No other introduction needed, here’s a list of things I hate. Things I hate almost as much as Finding Dory. And guess what? I’ll even tell you why I hate Finding Dory so much, but I’ll leave it for the grand finale.

  1. When people text me asking for a “HUGE FAVOR” then when I respond asking what it is, they don’t reply. Then I’m sitting there annoyingly curious what the favor was and why they suddenly don’t want ME to do it for them. Did they find someone better? Were they annoyed by my eagerness? JUST FUCKING TELL ME!
  2. A coworker comes to ask me questions while I’m very obviously in the middle of eating raw spinach. I might be able to forgive this when I’m eating other things, but you make me look like an idiot when I’m crunching on leaves like a fucking dinosaur and you stand there expectingly. At least this is slightly better than when my old boss used to purposefully wait until I started eating my own lunch to ask me to drive to get hers.
  3. I cut my nails too short now I’m in pain whenever I do anything. This is happening right now and it hurts to type.
  4. Someone tells me a story of something stupid I did. Seems like maybe they forgot it’s about me, and I’m super aware of it. And I don’t feel like awkwardly laughing along with them as they make me look like an ass clown.
  5. I don’t like it when people in my car don’t laugh sufficiently when I call other drivers “dick butts” on the road.
  6. I HATE that I have to be CPR certified in order to teach a kickboxing class. I really want to teach kickboxing to middle aged women and I’m super upset that I can’t bring that joy to both my life and their lives. I would totally teach them a sweet routine to Tik Tok by Ke$ha (I know she’s Kesha now)
  7. When a skirt is slightly too short and you have to pull it down with every single step you take because otherwise your vagina will flash to the planet earth.
  8. When I’m so tired that it’s really hard for me to breathe, and even harder for me to remind myself not to think about breathing because then I’ll just start obsessing over how difficult it is to breathe and then I’ll freak out like I am right now because I just wrote this.
  9. Street cleaning. In Los Angeles. Why? Why do you even pretend you’re cleaning anything? You’re just driving around with a giant toothbrush and forcing us to move our cars because you want to give us tickets. You fucking assholes. Nothing is getting cleaned.
  10. When someone drops something and you go to pick it up for them, but realize it’s way closer to them so they’re going to get it themselves and now you’re just crouched on the ground awkwardly and have to do a little dance to pretend you meant to be there.
  11. When someone tells me “You know nothing Jon Snow!” you’re not clever for using a Game of Thrones quote. In fact, I’m sure a million people say that line per day and think they’re just as clever as you, and are also wrong.
  12. I love when coworkers come up to me and ask me if I got their email. My question for them is, “Did you get a notification that the email didn’t send?” And if they say “No”  I tell them “Then yes, I got your email.” Nah, I don’t say that. But seriously, why do you need to ask me that? I obviously got your stupid email and I’ll handle it when it becomes important to me.
  13. I forget I’m wearing makeup and I rub my eyes like a sleepy old man then subsequently look like I’ve been crying and listening to “I’m Not Okay” by My Chemical Romance on repeat.
  14. My fingernails seriously hurt.
  15. The office is so cold that I have to drink tea to stay warm, meanwhile it’s like 103 degrees outside in this valley of hell.
  16. When old people get offended when you use the term “old” to describe something. Especially something that they frequently use. We get it, aging sucks and it makes everyone hypersensitive about their wrinkles.
  17. Gimmicky YouTube videos… like “How to Have Casual Sex as Explained By a Tea Party” Like… clearly the point is to get people to click because of ‘casual sex’ but then when we do click it’s a huge disappointment filled with nerdy folk (who probably never have casual sex because they can’t get any) beating around the bush, when honestly I’d LOVE an instructional video…
  18. People who whisper in my ear. Why are you whispering in my ear? It’s really creepy. Unless it’s like… a seductive situation there is no place for ear whispering. Even then, tread lightly because I am skittish and might punch you if I’m startled.
  19. People who want to tell me to do something, but instead of just telling me they casually ask passive questions until I come to the conclusion myself. How about you be direct? How about you just tell me the thing you want instead of making me play a mind puzzle with u?

 

Finding Dory. Finally, over the last few years I felt like people were finally getting over Finding Nemo. I’m not saying I didn’t like Finding Nemo, I really did enjoy it (when I was 11 years old.) But the only quote from it that didn’t become a fucking cliche because of how often people said it was “MIIIINE, MINE MIIIIINE” because those seagulls will never, ever stop being funny. Actually I take that back, that line DID get ruined. Because I’m pretty sure my least favorite coworker from Valley Fair liked to say it when she snatched up cookies in the cafeteria. Like a fucking cookie vacuum, that woman.

I want to stab Dory personally for all of the times over the last 13 years that people have said any of the following things to me:

Anything with “Grumpy Gills” in it. Bonus points if they attempt a “Dory” voice. AKA make themselves sound like a dumb idiot.

“Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming.” Bonus points if they say this when I’m really upset about something and am on the verge of tears.

“I shall call him squishy and he will be my squishy” Bonus points if the person names something stupid, like a pencil grip, ‘Squishy’ then says this line.

Anything with “Whale Speak.” Bonus points if the person does their own version of Dory’s whale speak, and continues to do it even when inevitably no one is laughing.

For the above reasons, and the fact that I hate Ellen Degeneres (and constantly hear horrible things about her as a human being, which justify my hatred), DESPITE my efforts to like her… Finding Dory is my personal nightmare. I truly look forward to the barrage of new quotes that will be cutely thrown my way as a result of this post.

 

imgres.jpg

 

 

 

 

The Evolution of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Do you ever lay awake at night thinking about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Because I do. I did last night, I couldn’t sleep because I drank Nick Contino’s Assault Pre Workout before our soccer game at 9:00 pm. Because I wanted to get my pump on, just like The Rock would.

My first memories of The Rock were from when he was a Champion, World Class, WWF/E fighter. He was always alarmingly angry (please appreciate that assonance.) Not Glass Shop Man angry, but truly on the verge of a brain aneurysm from the moment his eyes opened in the chamber he was created in. (I’m talking about the cryogenic chamber he emerged from from another dimension.) Not to say that wasn’t typical of all WWF/E wrestlers, but The Rock was a bit more sinister. Never felt like he was “acting” or “joking.” To this day I don’t think he ever was. I’m gonna be completely honest and admit that I had a WWF N64 game that we played frequently, which The Rock was a character on. And whenever my brothers and I would play the “Who’s your favorite wrestler?” game, The Rock was always mine. And then my brothers always joked that I had a thing for The Rock. Which, was pretty insulting to imply even to an 8-year-old. imgres-2.jpg

(I’m not attracted to men who constantly look like they want to/easily could murder me)

imgres-4.jpg            (Wait, I lied, maybe I am…)

The Rock is considered one of the biggest stars in WWE/F history. If you feel like checking out how many people think so, look at his Wikipedia and read the series of 6 quotes from different “famous” people all pretty much saying “The Rock is the best thing that ever happened to wrestling.” So why is The Rock not wrestling anymore? Why is he gracing us with our presence via BILLBOARDS? Why was I just asked on a DATE to the NEW ROCK MOVIE?

Because The Rock needed to write an Autobiography, a New York Times Best Seller called The Rock Says… (The bar gets lower every year to become a New York Times Best Seller, let’s be real.) At that moment, The Rock discovered he was meant to be an artist after all. He was meant to really PERFORM. To share his inner-Rock musings (probably of the igneous variety-a science joke… someone please tell me this was funny, I failed my rock identification test when I was in eighth grade and I need someone to tell Ms. Hansmeyer that she never should have given up on me) with the world. Let’s explore that…

THE SCORPION KING (2002): The Rock was paid $5.5 million dollars for this titular role. A world record for an actor in his first starring role. Well, boy, was it worth it! This movie got RAVE reviews, a whopping 38% favorable audience review on Rotten Tomatoes with one describing it as “A ridiculous though not entirely unpleasant way to while away ninety-two minutes.” I’m guessing the only reason it wasn’t entirely unpleasant is because… Well…

Face-of-a-King-the-scorpion-king-30391879-1610-2560

That’s just a sight to behold. No wonder it was still a SmAsHiNg BoX oFfIcE SuCceSSSSs.

The Rock is 6’4 and 245 pounds…  Just wanted to pepper that fact in here.

DISNEY CHANNEL GIGS: If you weren’t aware, The Rock appeared on Corey in the House AND Wizards of Waverly Place. I can only imagine what the synopses of these episodes are. “Corey has a rough day being the son of the President’s personal chef, until The Rock shows up and teaches him the nitty gritty of the American political system using only his oiled up pectoral muscles.”

THE TOOTH FAIRY (2010): A horrifying concept. The Rock is the tooth fairy, you know, that dainty little fairy you used to think gave you money for losing body parts when it was really your parents all along? (when they remembered.) He’s going to suffocate you with your pillow while you sleep then steal all the teeth under your pillow and leave NO MONEY. Then he’s going to build a shrine out of your teeth. Right? That’s what this movie was about?

Don’t worry- still a box office hit. But did you ever think this man would star in a movie about the tooth fairy?

The-Rock-Will-Be-On-WWE-2K14-Cover.jpg

Guys, I can’t slog through the rest of these titles. Let me just show you what I’m working with.

Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 11.07.47 AM.png

I don’t have much to say about this other than the fact that I only actually recognize about 5 titles from that list. He easily could have been the face of Kazaam if we had let him. He was probably on the casting shortlist.

But I’m fairly certain every single one of the above listed movies was a commercial “success.”

Do you want to know what The Rock eats in order to be a Rock?

Screen Shot 2016-06-15 at 11.10.06 AM.png

I could only capture 6 of the 7 meals in a screenshot, but I need you to comprehend the amount of cod we are talking about here. That is 36 oz of cod. Let me see if I can find picture of 36 ounces of cod. I couldn’t find a picture, but I think it’s about this much (see below.) imgres-3.jpg

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a perfect example of what The EnTerTaiNmEnT InDuStrY is becoming. We’re too lazy to create original content because that requires effort and usually very little return on that investment of effort. When I say return on investment, I mean money. And money is truly the only thing we care about in Hollywood.

It’s much easier to take something you KNOW is successful and put a silly hat on it (like The Rock and his fairy wings) and point a camera at it. It makes the money itself and we can just chill and sell merchandise.

LQHJyEf.jpg

You can disagree with me, but if you do… I expect you to provide an explanation for why Trolls is the hot new flick on the horizon.

Seacrest out!

Man at the Glass Store

In case you’ve never been to my new apartment, I live in between a glass repair shop and an old person’s home. (I smell a sitcom.) From the outside, my apartment complex looks like a place that middle class businessmen take their mistress to get their cheap thrills. Luckily, it’s great on the inside and I’m of the mindset that OUTER APPEARANCE DOESN’T MATTER. jk.

Anyway, we were told that we got one parking spot for our apartment. Totally fine, there is plenty of street parking. What we didn’t immediately realize is that there are only three LEGITIMATE covered parking spots and there are 4 units in the complex. In order to park a fourth car in that area, we need four spots… If you get what I’m saying.

I called the landlord and explained my predicament, and he told me that I was to park “where the trashcans usually are.” Granted, it’s not the first time someone has told me I belong with the trash, but I wasn’t sure my car could fit. After all, that spot was intended for the trashcans, not my Buick.

So I awkwardly parked my car in front of the gate to the complex, leaving barely enough room for someone to squeeze in. I wasn’t cool with it, at all, but I figured if we were paying for this non parking spot then I might as well use it?

Later some dude sees me walking out to the car and goes “Nah, unit 4 parks like this” and gestured that I needed to park the car parallel with the front of the building. With the front end of my car facing the Glass Shop.

Okay, fine. It makes slightly more sense. So I move it.

The next day I’m walking out to my car to leave for work, and a small old man in a tasteful Hawaiian shirt runs out of the glass shop and directly up to me. He has clearly worked himself up into a tizzy over something, I’m too tired and dead inside to really inquire but since he’s in my face I don’t really have a choice.

“Is this your car?” He gestures to my rental Hyundai Sonata

“I mean, it’s technically a rental but I’m driving it, yeah.” I stutter awkwardly, drop my keys on the ground, and give up on the day before it even begins.

“When you park here I can’t open my gate in the morning!” He gestures to a rickety wooden gate that opens onto the eerily horror-movie-esque workshop section of the glass store (which my bedroom has a full view of.)

My brain shuts down at this point. I just want a spot to park my stupid car (which isn’t even my car and I still haven’t gotten the Buick back and my life is crumbling before my eyes.)

“I don’t know what to tell you, this is where I’m told to park.” I just want to leave for work at this point. You know it’s bad when you WANT to leave for work.

This frustrated old man and I reach a stalemate. Neither of us have the power, or the desire to forfeit our position. I stared at him while he shrugged his shoulders and gestured at my car, and shook his head. He grunted a few unintelligible words.

“I need to leave.” I said and got into my car.

When I came home, I made an effort to park my car as far as possible from the gate, while still not blocking the door to the complex OR boxing in the other cars squeezed into our tiny, sad excuse for a parking lot.

I got out of my car at least five times to analyze the situation, using geometry and a protractor to predict the radius at which the gate might open in relation to my vehicle. At a certain point I remembered I haven’t taken a math class since high school and I gave up.

A few days later, we have another similar encounter. This time he is past the point of being in a tizzy and instead is full on pissed. He has defiantly opened the gate door and shoved it up against my car in protest. Thanks bro, thanks for adding on another scratch fee to my rental!

“You CANT park here, I CANT get my truck in and out of the gate!” He shouts and throws his hands in the air at me.

I have a certain face for situations like this. One that I don’t like to use very often, but one that is very effective when used. A face that tells you, I’m not the person to spout your bullshit to. I am in fact, the WRONG person to spout any bullshit to at this hour, on this day. I’d already had my C4 preworkout, I’d been to the gym, my arms were shaking… If he was trying to start something I would end it. Just kidding. Maybe?

I gave him the face. It’s a scowl combined with slitted eyes and a slight grimace. Like, the kind where I’m clenching my jaw and gritting my teeth so that I don’t bite anyone or anything. Except myself. Like the kind they do in old western movies when they have chewing tobacco tucked under their lip and curled over their yellow rotting teeth as they utter some sort of mildly racist warning to their enemy.

“Sir. You need to talk to the property manager.” I said using some powerful hand gestures I learned in Mock Trial to show that I wasn’t kidding around.

He didn’t understand what I said, at all. He made no attempt. So instead of talking with me he kept gesturing, and babbling and shaking his head. I continued to make my cowboy face then got into the car and I drove off. It wasn’t until I got to work that I discovered the piece of paper (with his glass company insignia on it) tucked into my windshield wipers with a message written on it in all caps, in sharpie:

“PLEASE DON’T PARK HERE!”

You might be thinking, Katrina, this is a pointless story. Maybe it is. But I think this is a huge lesson in modern communication. Both me and this man talked AT each other, and didn’t ever accomplish anything. I still don’t even think he fully understands that I live in the apartment complex next door. I think he is so caught up in the fact that his gate won’t open that he is blinded by his own rage and unable to take in external opinions.

On my end? Since I only have to deal with his incessant chatter in the early hours of the morning, I’m willing to be apathetic. A mild annoyance at best compared to the two goddamn cats who scream at me every morning even though they already ate. I’ll do my best to park where he isn’t impacted, but I’m not gonna go out of my way to find a solution.

But to be fair, he isn’t providing a solution either. He just yells at me every day, hoping to break me from my apathy. Which, sir, good luck… Not happening. I will continue to be apathetic about my shitty parking spot (and the rest of my life) for all of eternity if the world lets me. He could put up some marking that indicates the point which I shouldn’t park beyond, but instead he likes to leave me passive aggressive windshield notes.

Man at the glass store, I get that you are frustrated. We’re all frustrated by something in our lives. But be warned, my Buick is a lot bigger than this rental car and I can assure you we will have a whole new saga to start once the beast returns to its home.

imgres.jpg

(The above image is a sample of the type of work I imagine is completed at this repair shop.)

 

article-2296887-019D82D60000044D-329_634x407.jpg

(Based on the appearance of the shop- this is also the type of work I could imagine being completed. If you didn’t know, this is from the movie Saw. I just explained my joke to you, in case you didn’t like it. Did you find that funny? Shoot me a message on Facebook/iMessage if you found it funny. I need to know how my jokes are landing.)

 

Chad 4 Bachelor 4 Lyfe

Happy Tuesday! Time to talk shit about my favorite show, The Bachelorette. Talya, Mary and I sat through it last night so that you wouldn’t have to. Because I know that was on your list of things you wanted to do on your sordid Monday night after a long day at the office.

Well this season is bad. So bad, that my mom thinks she CAN’T EVEN watch it anymore. And just to give you a frame of reference on that- my mom is a HUGE fan of Dancing With the Stars… So yeah she’s one of the few people who still watches live network television (crying smiley emoji.)

JoJo… I like you, you’re pretty. But every single time you speak I have to repeat what you say in a mocking voice. I hate myself for it, but I can’t help it. I really hope I don’t sound like her when I’m around men. Granted, she is on television and she has to appear bubbly and cute and aloof like America’s Dream Woman should act. But at the same time… I get vibes of Fran Drescher with helium?

Let’s talk about what EVERYONE actually cares about. Chad.

The show is SO boring, with so little draaaama, that the producers went all in with the Chad storyline. For all non viewers, let me describe Chad for you… (AKA my dream man)

  • Chad is the only contestant in history to be SHOWN ON CAMERA partaking in the various hors devours offerings at the cocktail party.
    • In case you didn’t fully understand what I just said…Chad ate a horrifying amount of deli meat at the cocktail party.
      • I don’t think you get what I’m saying. He PILED UP A JUICY MOUND OF COCKTAIL MEAT on his plate while the other MEATHEADS watched in horror.
        • Do you realize how bad it is when other meatheads are horrified by the amount of meat another meathead is consuming? That’s a ludicrous amount of meat. That’s an amount of meat I can’t even conjure up in my darkest dreams.
  • Chad doesn’t take shit from anyone. Chad tells it like it is.
    • He called out Evan for being a pussy bitch (his job title is ‘Erectile Dysfunction Specialist’ need I say more?)
    • He called out Jordan Rodgers for being a FAILED NFL QUARTERBACK. Which is what he is… Sorry Jordan, you’re not even a legitimate human compared to your brother.
    • He called out the short former military guy for being a chode, which is exactly what he is. I can’t be bothered to learn his name.
  • Chad thinks reality TV should be REAL.
  • Chad takes massive amounts of performance enhancing drugs.
  • Chad thinks Chad is the handsomest, biggest, strongest man in the house.
  • Chad gets mad AND gets even.
  • If Chad can’t lift weights, he will MURDER someone.
  • Chad is here for the right reasons.
  • Chad ate an entire yam, raw. Not kidding. Then he nibbled on some lettuce.
  • They hired additional security staff because of Chad, to make sure that he didn’t hurt any of the other contestants.
  • Chris Harrison pulled Chad aside and told him that he needs to cool down or else he’s kicked off the show. Because he fears for the other men’s safety.
  • Chad is Hulk, on roids.

 

Why do I love Chad so much? Because Chad, at some point in the process, forgot he was on a reality television show. He forgot he was being filmed, he thought he was just in a totally normal REAL LIFE scenario where he’s competing with 20 other men to date one girl.

At every turn in the show, he seems utterly perplexed and distraught. As if he didn’t know what to expect in the process. He acts like an innocent (and angry) bystander who never watched the Bachelorette prior to signing up.

“You want me to go on a DATE with 19 other DUDES? I’m not doin that!” Chad uttered words that few men who survive the first round ever utter. But to be fair… if this were “reality” television, any guy would say that. Chad is just being HONEST.

Once he gets on the group date, the men corner Chad. They decide they’re going to OUT him for his ROIDY WAYS in front of JoJo. So they nominate the pansiest man of the bunch, Evan, to give a pointed talk on the drawbacks of excessive steroid use. You know, since Evan is a DICK EXPERT AND ALL.

As you can imagine, this did NOT sit well with Chad. In other words, Chad Angry. Chad VERY ANGRY. When Chad got up from his seat at the theater (I’m not going to explain what the group date was because I don’t think it adds to my narrative) to give his presentation, he passed by Evan and yanked his shirt, ripping it down the center in the process. Honestly, good for you Chad. He deserved that, he SUCKS. And he’s the father to TWO children. What kind of example is he setting for his kids by bullying someone about their steroid use? And going on a DATING SHOW…

Chad awkwardly brings JoJo on stage with him and tries to kiss her but she turns her cheek. It’s cool tho, he brushes it off quickly, it happens to the best of us.

Just kidding, Chad punches a door so hard that his knuckles bleed from the impact. Then he lunges at Evan and says “Imma kill you!” You can’t PAY for television this good. Chad is a caged beast waiting to be let free. He will kill at the first sight of BLOOD.

My favorite part of the entire episode, though, is when JoJo announces that Evan received the Group Date Rose and all the men golf clap and smile. Except Chad. Chad goes:

“Are you fucking kidding me? Evan? Evan doesn’t win ANYTHING!” And everyone watches in horror. Granted, he said what they were all thinking, but still… Chad lives in the REAL WORLD.

JoJo says “You’re being RUDE and I don’t like it!”

Chad says “I’m sorry, I’m just being HONEST!”

Which is more than anyone else can say for their SORRY ASSES on that show. I love Chad.

At the very end of the episode, Chris Harrison announces that instead of a cocktail party they’ll be having an all day pool party. All the guys get excited for their first glimpse of sideboob in weeks. But not Chad, Chad is waaaaaay above sideboob. Chad goes…

“What? I don’t need to see her in a swimmsuit, I can imagine what she looks like through those dresses.”

Cheers to Chad. He would make the best Bachelor and if he doesn’t get the gig I will be SORELY disappointed.

JoJo, you’re blind for not seeing what Chad has to offer you in a relationship/marriage.

images-1         images-2imgres-1                    imgres-2