Chad 4 Bachelor 4 Lyfe

Happy Tuesday! Time to talk shit about my favorite show, The Bachelorette. Talya, Mary and I sat through it last night so that you wouldn’t have to. Because I know that was on your list of things you wanted to do on your sordid Monday night after a long day at the office.

Well this season is bad. So bad, that my mom thinks she CAN’T EVEN watch it anymore. And just to give you a frame of reference on that- my mom is a HUGE fan of Dancing With the Stars… So yeah she’s one of the few people who still watches live network television (crying smiley emoji.)

JoJo… I like you, you’re pretty. But every single time you speak I have to repeat what you say in a mocking voice. I hate myself for it, but I can’t help it. I really hope I don’t sound like her when I’m around men. Granted, she is on television and she has to appear bubbly and cute and aloof like America’s Dream Woman should act. But at the same time… I get vibes of Fran Drescher with helium?

Let’s talk about what EVERYONE actually cares about. Chad.

The show is SO boring, with so little draaaama, that the producers went all in with the Chad storyline. For all non viewers, let me describe Chad for you… (AKA my dream man)

  • Chad is the only contestant in history to be SHOWN ON CAMERA partaking in the various hors devours offerings at the cocktail party.
    • In case you didn’t fully understand what I just said…Chad ate a horrifying amount of deli meat at the cocktail party.
      • I don’t think you get what I’m saying. He PILED UP A JUICY MOUND OF COCKTAIL MEAT on his plate while the other MEATHEADS watched in horror.
        • Do you realize how bad it is when other meatheads are horrified by the amount of meat another meathead is consuming? That’s a ludicrous amount of meat. That’s an amount of meat I can’t even conjure up in my darkest dreams.
  • Chad doesn’t take shit from anyone. Chad tells it like it is.
    • He called out Evan for being a pussy bitch (his job title is ‘Erectile Dysfunction Specialist’ need I say more?)
    • He called out Jordan Rodgers for being a FAILED NFL QUARTERBACK. Which is what he is… Sorry Jordan, you’re not even a legitimate human compared to your brother.
    • He called out the short former military guy for being a chode, which is exactly what he is. I can’t be bothered to learn his name.
  • Chad thinks reality TV should be REAL.
  • Chad takes massive amounts of performance enhancing drugs.
  • Chad thinks Chad is the handsomest, biggest, strongest man in the house.
  • Chad gets mad AND gets even.
  • If Chad can’t lift weights, he will MURDER someone.
  • Chad is here for the right reasons.
  • Chad ate an entire yam, raw. Not kidding. Then he nibbled on some lettuce.
  • They hired additional security staff because of Chad, to make sure that he didn’t hurt any of the other contestants.
  • Chris Harrison pulled Chad aside and told him that he needs to cool down or else he’s kicked off the show. Because he fears for the other men’s safety.
  • Chad is Hulk, on roids.

 

Why do I love Chad so much? Because Chad, at some point in the process, forgot he was on a reality television show. He forgot he was being filmed, he thought he was just in a totally normal REAL LIFE scenario where he’s competing with 20 other men to date one girl.

At every turn in the show, he seems utterly perplexed and distraught. As if he didn’t know what to expect in the process. He acts like an innocent (and angry) bystander who never watched the Bachelorette prior to signing up.

“You want me to go on a DATE with 19 other DUDES? I’m not doin that!” Chad uttered words that few men who survive the first round ever utter. But to be fair… if this were “reality” television, any guy would say that. Chad is just being HONEST.

Once he gets on the group date, the men corner Chad. They decide they’re going to OUT him for his ROIDY WAYS in front of JoJo. So they nominate the pansiest man of the bunch, Evan, to give a pointed talk on the drawbacks of excessive steroid use. You know, since Evan is a DICK EXPERT AND ALL.

As you can imagine, this did NOT sit well with Chad. In other words, Chad Angry. Chad VERY ANGRY. When Chad got up from his seat at the theater (I’m not going to explain what the group date was because I don’t think it adds to my narrative) to give his presentation, he passed by Evan and yanked his shirt, ripping it down the center in the process. Honestly, good for you Chad. He deserved that, he SUCKS. And he’s the father to TWO children. What kind of example is he setting for his kids by bullying someone about their steroid use? And going on a DATING SHOW…

Chad awkwardly brings JoJo on stage with him and tries to kiss her but she turns her cheek. It’s cool tho, he brushes it off quickly, it happens to the best of us.

Just kidding, Chad punches a door so hard that his knuckles bleed from the impact. Then he lunges at Evan and says “Imma kill you!” You can’t PAY for television this good. Chad is a caged beast waiting to be let free. He will kill at the first sight of BLOOD.

My favorite part of the entire episode, though, is when JoJo announces that Evan received the Group Date Rose and all the men golf clap and smile. Except Chad. Chad goes:

“Are you fucking kidding me? Evan? Evan doesn’t win ANYTHING!” And everyone watches in horror. Granted, he said what they were all thinking, but still… Chad lives in the REAL WORLD.

JoJo says “You’re being RUDE and I don’t like it!”

Chad says “I’m sorry, I’m just being HONEST!”

Which is more than anyone else can say for their SORRY ASSES on that show. I love Chad.

At the very end of the episode, Chris Harrison announces that instead of a cocktail party they’ll be having an all day pool party. All the guys get excited for their first glimpse of sideboob in weeks. But not Chad, Chad is waaaaaay above sideboob. Chad goes…

“What? I don’t need to see her in a swimmsuit, I can imagine what she looks like through those dresses.”

Cheers to Chad. He would make the best Bachelor and if he doesn’t get the gig I will be SORELY disappointed.

JoJo, you’re blind for not seeing what Chad has to offer you in a relationship/marriage.

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