Do you ever lay awake at night thinking about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Because I do. I did last night, I couldn’t sleep because I drank Nick Contino’s Assault Pre Workout before our soccer game at 9:00 pm. Because I wanted to get my pump on, just like The Rock would.
My first memories of The Rock were from when he was a Champion, World Class, WWF/E fighter. He was always alarmingly angry (please appreciate that assonance.) Not Glass Shop Man angry, but truly on the verge of a brain aneurysm from the moment his eyes opened in the chamber he was created in. (I’m talking about the cryogenic chamber he emerged from from another dimension.) Not to say that wasn’t typical of all WWF/E wrestlers, but The Rock was a bit more sinister. Never felt like he was “acting” or “joking.” To this day I don’t think he ever was. I’m gonna be completely honest and admit that I had a WWF N64 game that we played frequently, which The Rock was a character on. And whenever my brothers and I would play the “Who’s your favorite wrestler?” game, The Rock was always mine. And then my brothers always joked that I had a thing for The Rock. Which, was pretty insulting to imply even to an 8-year-old.
(I’m not attracted to men who constantly look like they want to/easily could murder me)
(Wait, I lied, maybe I am…)
The Rock is considered one of the biggest stars in WWE/F history. If you feel like checking out how many people think so, look at his Wikipedia and read the series of 6 quotes from different “famous” people all pretty much saying “The Rock is the best thing that ever happened to wrestling.” So why is The Rock not wrestling anymore? Why is he gracing us with our presence via BILLBOARDS? Why was I just asked on a DATE to the NEW ROCK MOVIE?
Because The Rock needed to write an Autobiography, a New York Times Best Seller called The Rock Says… (The bar gets lower every year to become a New York Times Best Seller, let’s be real.) At that moment, The Rock discovered he was meant to be an artist after all. He was meant to really PERFORM. To share his inner-Rock musings (probably of the igneous variety-a science joke… someone please tell me this was funny, I failed my rock identification test when I was in eighth grade and I need someone to tell Ms. Hansmeyer that she never should have given up on me) with the world. Let’s explore that…
THE SCORPION KING (2002): The Rock was paid $5.5 million dollars for this titular role. A world record for an actor in his first starring role. Well, boy, was it worth it! This movie got RAVE reviews, a whopping 38% favorable audience review on Rotten Tomatoes with one describing it as “A ridiculous though not entirely unpleasant way to while away ninety-two minutes.” I’m guessing the only reason it wasn’t entirely unpleasant is because… Well…
That’s just a sight to behold. No wonder it was still a SmAsHiNg BoX oFfIcE SuCceSSSSs.
The Rock is 6’4 and 245 pounds… Just wanted to pepper that fact in here.
DISNEY CHANNEL GIGS: If you weren’t aware, The Rock appeared on Corey in the House AND Wizards of Waverly Place. I can only imagine what the synopses of these episodes are. “Corey has a rough day being the son of the President’s personal chef, until The Rock shows up and teaches him the nitty gritty of the American political system using only his oiled up pectoral muscles.”
THE TOOTH FAIRY (2010): A horrifying concept. The Rock is the tooth fairy, you know, that dainty little fairy you used to think gave you money for losing body parts when it was really your parents all along? (when they remembered.) He’s going to suffocate you with your pillow while you sleep then steal all the teeth under your pillow and leave NO MONEY. Then he’s going to build a shrine out of your teeth. Right? That’s what this movie was about?
Don’t worry- still a box office hit. But did you ever think this man would star in a movie about the tooth fairy?
Guys, I can’t slog through the rest of these titles. Let me just show you what I’m working with.
I don’t have much to say about this other than the fact that I only actually recognize about 5 titles from that list. He easily could have been the face of Kazaam if we had let him. He was probably on the casting shortlist.
But I’m fairly certain every single one of the above listed movies was a commercial “success.”
Do you want to know what The Rock eats in order to be a Rock?
I could only capture 6 of the 7 meals in a screenshot, but I need you to comprehend the amount of cod we are talking about here. That is 36 oz of cod. Let me see if I can find picture of 36 ounces of cod. I couldn’t find a picture, but I think it’s about this much (see below.)
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a perfect example of what The EnTerTaiNmEnT InDuStrY is becoming. We’re too lazy to create original content because that requires effort and usually very little return on that investment of effort. When I say return on investment, I mean money. And money is truly the only thing we care about in Hollywood.
It’s much easier to take something you KNOW is successful and put a silly hat on it (like The Rock and his fairy wings) and point a camera at it. It makes the money itself and we can just chill and sell merchandise.
You can disagree with me, but if you do… I expect you to provide an explanation for why Trolls is the hot new flick on the horizon.