How Much It Costs To Be a Proper Woman

The mirror at my workplace is like something stolen out of a funhouse from hell. Every time I look in it I look about five years older, twelve times more acne-ridden and infinitely more apathetic towards life. Every day I tell myself “You’re going to start trying harder, Katrina.” Then I go back to just removing the smudged eyeliner from the weekend before, little by little, with a Q-Tip, until I’m just naked faced with red splotches and despair.

Today I also realized that another toenail of mine is about to fall off. Promise I won’t SnapChat it to everyone again. I genuinely thought to myself “I should get a pedicure.” I’m not above it… Pedicures feel amazing. So do manicures. I’d love to do all that stuff regularly. But let me break down how much it would cost for me to be a proper woman in Los Angeles, if I wanted to be one.

For all of the below examples I pulled from pricing pages on Yelp, “Most Popular” product pricing on Sephora, and general Google search results. This is not meant to be a cut and dry guide to how much everything costs, but it’s to give you a rough range of beauty service//product costs. It’s slightly terrifying.

imgres

Better believe that flower is covering a massive bush.

HAIR REMOVAL: This is the bare minimum you need to do to be a proper woman in the United States. Depending on your preference you can either Wax, Thread, Laser or Sugar. Each method is extremely painful, just depends which your skin hates the least. We’re expected to remove hair  from our eyebrows, upper lip, chin (if needed), armpits, pubic region AND legs. You can remove other places too, but those are the necessities.

If I were to WAX all of these body parts at an average priced Los Angeles waxing salon, it would cost me:

Full Face: $49

Underarms: $18

Brazilian (naked vagina): $47

Legs: $68

Grand Total? $182

These hair removals need to be done at least once per month for a proper woman. I’m using waxing as an example because I know it’s the most commonly used technique. I prefer threading because it’s the cheapest, but you can only do that on your face. So the rest is up to me… Good times.

imgres-1

The way a blowout looks for about 10 seconds.

HAIR STYLING: Let’s say I actually wanted my hair to look awesome for a date or some other situation where I need to rely on my sexuality to make up for my shortcomings. There are a few options:

  • Blowout: For the record- this just means some chatty asshole will use a round brush and a hair drier to make my hair curly for about 2.5 hours MAXIMUM.
  • Color: Actually changing the color of my hair using dye. If you want your hair to not look like complete shit you HAVE to splurge on this.
  • Cut: If you try to go cheapo you will ruin your life.  I only do mine twice per year because I have a long hair complex as a result of trauma from my youth. (THANKS FOR THE BOWL CUT MOM)
  • Extensions: God forbid you fuck up your hair and need to get some extensions… Better pay so that it doesn’t look like a rat died on your head.

Ideally if I were to start trying to be a real woman- I’d cut and style my hair at least once per month. Let’s price that out…

Basic Blowout at Drybar: $40 (they usually charge extra for people with long hair though)

Basic Haircut: $50

Grand Total: $90

Running Total: $272

imgres-2

They look awesome until you fuck them up opening your car door.

NAILCARE: You can do a lot with your nails. You can get Acrylics, Gels, Airbrush or just paint. If you’re going to do your fingernails you should probably do your toenails too because it’s summer and people will be seeing them frequently. If they’re not painted you can’t (attempt to) disguise how truly ugly they are.

If I were to go do this, I’d get Gels because they last longest and look the least shitty. Even though these last longer we’re still probably going to need to get them filled at least once per month, if not more. Price that out?

Manicure: $35

Pedicure: $35

Grand Total: $70

Running Total: $342

imgres-3

They call this “natural look” but I think she’s a computer generated image.

MAKEUP: In order to hide your horrific face on a daily basis, you should invest in good makeup. You can cut corners if you want, but let’s just go through what it costs to round up the basics. Assuming you wear them every day and need to replace them occasionally… This adds up. Below is what I personally use.

Clarens Tinted Moisturizer: $60 (I splurge so that I don’t look like I did in high school…)

Buxom Mascara: $20 (I think you’re supposed to replace this monthly)

Covergirl Perfect Point Plus Eyeliner: $6 (I don’t wear this often and I still go through at least one every three months.)

Naked Palette Eyeshadow: $54 (should only need to buy once a year but you’re a loser if you don’t have this… That’s what the lady at the store told me.)

Physician’s Formula Pressed Powder: $15 (somehow I’ve still had this same powder since high school.)

That is my BARE MINIMUM for a night out.

Grand Total: $155

And if you want to actually be a REAL woman you’d also wear the following:

Concealer: $20 average

Face Primer (I don’t even really know what this is): $18 average

Blush: $30 average

Contour Palette: $40 average

Lipstick: $20 (that’s just for one shade, you need many)

Lipliner: $20 (also probably should have more than one)

Brush Set: $70 (you need brushes for all this shit and you don’t want them to suck)

Grander Total: $355

Running Total: $697

imgres-4

No one is this happy when they’re washing their stupid face.

HAIR CARE//BODY CARE//FACIAL CARE: In order to wear any of this stuff effectively you have to be a clean human being. I thought this was a given, until I realized some people still don’t brush their teeth…

I don’t even have very shitty skin and I have to splurge on facial products because NOTHING works the way it’s supposed to. Not to mention your hair adapts to your shampoo and rejects it (I’m not going to provide a link to support this, it’s true, we all know it.) I use BAR SOAP instead of body wash because I went through like a container a week. Let’s break this down as if I wanted to take GOOD care of my hair and skin…

First Aid Beauty Skin Kit: $50

Bumble and Bumble Shampoo + Conditioner: $50

Philosophy Body wash: $25

So those three products are the BARE MINIMUM for being fancy with your Hair Care//Body Care// Facial Care… You’d have to replace all of these things monthly if used daily.

Grand Total: $75

But if I wanted to be a proper woman… I’d also need the following:

Chanel Perfume: $78

Hair Styling Treatment: $27

Face Mask: $65

Acne Gel: $40 (pay for the quality, Clean n Clear just makes things worse.)

Philosophy Firming Body Lotion: $37

Foot Cream: $28

Self Tanner: $38

Grander Total: $388

FINAL RUNNING TOTAL $1,085

I’ll leave it at that- but I want to acknowledge that this doesn’t even scratch the surface of clothing, shoes, purses, bras etc. This also doesn’t include all the other products out there we’re told we need. Like waist trainers, weight loss drinks, and injections of Botox. I just included things I’ve heard of and have actually considered using at one time or another.

What I want people to realize is that it isn’t laziness that prevents many of us (myself included) from “trying harder.” I don’t wake up excited to go to work looking tired and bland. But I also don’t have an extra hour to spend doing my makeup and hair until it looks the way I want it to look. I wish I could wait until I feel one hundred percent confident before I walk out the door every morning, but I have about a half hour to squeeze EVERYTHING into and I’d way rather spend that time making my lunch.

Obviously cost is the other huge factor. It’s a little embarrassing when there’s an implied standard that you can’t meet. Especially in this city where a lot of people CAN afford to keep up with the maintenance and there is such a high importance placed on our appearance. It’s almost a currency.

People aren’t shy about the implied standard either. I’ve been called sloppy more than a few times for not wearing makeup to work. Every woman has been told she looks “tired” when she wears less makeup than usual. We also get complimented, and even told that we should “do our makeup more often” when we wear more than usual. Who would have ever thought that looking the same way every day would be a challenge? You set a standard for yourself and when you are visibly different you feel insecure.

I’m not saying that all of us should stop wearing makeup or even stop doing ANY of these beauty practices. I just want people to be slightly aware of the time and energy that goes into looking presentable day after day. I don’t show up to work without makeup on because I’m a militant feminist, I don’t show up to work with wet hair because I’m lazy… I just don’t have twenty minutes free to stand under a blow drier and sweat my ass off.

Can we just make it slightly easier to be beautiful? I don’t want to pay someone $182 to rip every single hair off of my body once per month. I’d rather jump into a fire. Would probably get the same result anyway.

imgres-5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving Someone Whiplash

Yesterday I had an indoor soccer game. It’s actually called Futsal- basically a combination of Soccer and Basketball both of which I, at one point in my life, was a badass at. Grammar check there? Alyssa? Anyway- it’s coed. 4v4 and it’s in a tiny little gym that is 20 degrees too hot for anyone to function in without dripping sweat like a fat man at the County Fair.

I use this weekly opportunity to take out a lot of my pent up aggression. There are so many things I get angry about in my daily life- the fact that my shower is consistently cold after 1:00 pm, the weird colored zit on my left shoulder that I can’t figure out how to get rid of because I can’t reach it, and the perpetual feeling that I’m a stereotypical LA failing writer/standup comedian/woodworker.

I get fired up. I was born last in my family, after two men were first raised in my mother’s quaint and fertile womb. Marinating in their testosterone, AKA the ZEUS of hormones according to my book on the Male Brain.  The science people say I was exposed to this excess of testosterone while my fetus formed into my creepily delicate alien shape. I was destined to be more of a tomboy than other women. I was born to be a haughty, vulgar, aggressive bitch. And I absolutely love that about myself.

Yesterday, I was particularly fired up because of some FINANCIAL CRISIS SHIT that I love dealing with. In the Futsal game, I decided to take out my rage specifically on this balding man who was a foot shorter than me and highly aggressive. He kept beating me to the ball and making me look like a lanky idiot with my arms flailing about. He kept running into my stomach like a little charging bull. Like the little guy from Hercules with the hooves, the guy who is voiced by Danny Devito. I gotta imagine that as a (presumably straight? He seemed straight) man the last thing you want to be doing with a woman is charging into her stomach like an angry bull.

I bodied up on him a little too hard at the end of the game going after a 50/50 ball that was headed for the wall, when we were tied 8 to 8. He got major whiplash and smacked his head on this metal lunchroom door thing (It’s funny to me that we played soccer in a lunchroom.) I felt guilty, I really did, I didn’t mean to push him that hard. He was totally fine- just annoyed that I’d shoved him and he looked like a little bitch (they called the foul, don’t worry.) I was a little shocked that he was so rattled. I’m hardly intimidating, I drive a Buick LaCrosse and wear Mom Jeans to work.

After the game, one of my male teammates gave me props for pushing up on the dudes. And I realized it wasn’t in my head. I was actually pushing grown ass men around (the other men on the team were normal sized, even huge, as opposed to my tiny victim.)

I thought about it. I started lifting weights in the fall of 2014 after I’d struggled continuously with my diet. I started lifting so that I could eat a lot and still look toned (always valid reasoning.) I started with just the bar on every single lift. I couldn’t even do the bar for several of them. I had muscle but it wasn’t substantial at all- just slight toning from prancing on the elliptical and sad leftover meat from high school sports. Kinda like Spongebob when he puts on those fake muscle arms and tries to lift the barbell. All looks- no power.

So just for reference- I started at 45 pounds for everything, that’s how much the bar weighs. Now I’m lifting 60 pounds over my head repeatedly, rowing 75 pounds, benching 95 pounds, squatting nearly 200 pounds, and deadlifting 220 pounds.

I’m sure if any of my former athletic coaches knew this now they’d hate me, because I didn’t give a fuck in the weight room (I spent as much time as possible just sitting on the leg press chair and sleeping) when I was younger and had a bright future ahead. But now I can do cool strong-person shit like easily throw the ball past midfield in soccer, do a soccer throw-in that looks more like a corner kick, make grown ass men scared of my grip when I shake their hand, hit a softball weirdly far even though I never played softball, free climb extremely difficult mountains on my first try (and thanks to Danica, Alex and Becky you crazy sons of bitches), and emasculate guys who are the same height as me.

Sometimes I feel self conscious because my triceps looks weird as hell, like Scyther the Pokemon.

imgres

Or like a weird turtle person hybrid… Idk they look like flippers but they’re helpful? Sometimes I feel self conscious because I’m a bit bulky and feel like no straight man will ever be able to love someone so brutish who also has foot fungus/troll feet.

But overwhelmingly, I feel like a badass. I feel strong, I feel motivated, and I feel confident (most of the time).

The point of this post isn’t to rub my own dick (well that’s not the ONLY point, it is VERY erect though.) I am hoping that someone else reading this might get motivated to find a workout routine that makes them feel like a badass. I know several of my lady friends who started lifting are loving the way it makes them feel. I’m happy to help you find a routine that works for you if you’re interested. Not kidding- message me and either I’ll try to help you or I’ll ask my ripped-ass brother and he will weigh in.

I’m actually going to change my previous opinion on a something. This is an opinion  I’ve held for awhile and been very vocal about. Hypocrisy is something I don’t like to own up to, so enjoy…

Spin class is okay. CrossFit, is okay. Yoga, is okay. Running 18 miles in one day, is okay. All that shit is great if it works for you. TRY ALL OF IT. You find what works for you, commit to it, and I guarantee you will earn at least 4 happiness points for your Sim character over time. Who doesn’t want to see their little Sim self leap around with joy? The alternative is that horrible thing where the Sim needs to pee and looks up at you in agony while they wet themselves… Because you locked them in a room and removed the doors to see what would happen.

hqdefault

Twenty Something Eat Pray Loving

Now that I’ve experienced prolonged unemployment, a painful break-up, and nearly fatal car explosion (jk?) all within the span of a few months… I think it’s time for my twenty-something Eat Pray Love style melodramatic existential crisis. This is a book/movie I’d hoped I would never have to reference, but here I sit, at work… I ate rice and beans mixed with a soggy veggie burger for dinner last night with a can of Coors Light before walking to an Open Mic night in one of the most pathetically stereotypical starving Los Angeles artist nights of my life.

 

At Open Mic Night I took a massive bite of a (legal) edible marijuana rice krispy bar midway through the show, assuming I wasn’t going to perform because my name hadn’t been drawn. Not sure why I assumed that. Of course, I got called LAST and by that point was a few beers deep and HIGH AS ALL FUCK. The kind of high where your eyes are red slits and you keep giggling at the salt shakers on your table remembering Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper  from Blue’s Clues (Luis and Erik if you’re reading this we should totally do them as a joint Halloween costume.) Set still went well, all things considered. No, I didn’t record it… I haven’t recorded ANY since my first one because every single time I go I get all jittery and forget to tell whoever I’m with to record it. IDIOT.

 

My goal for 2016 was to perform in at least TWO open mic nights. I set the bar low because I didn’t know how long I’d get explosive diarrhea before every performance. Luckily that wore off after I had 7 minutes in front of a basically empty bar where I only got pity laughs (and obligatory laughs from my endlessly supportive and reliable hype man.) Well guess what? I’ve performed 7 times now! Bitches can’t tell me nothin.

 

If you feel like embarking on your own Eat Pray Love journey, I’ll give you my advice on how to get started. Granted, this is mostly terrible advice coming from a completely uncertified and unqualified source. Make of it what you will.

 

Spend Some Quality Time With People You Hate: Nothing reminds you of who you are quite like hanging out with people who annoy you. Go to some event where you’ll see a lot of people you’ll hate. For me, this would be one of the following: A fancy networking gala, a CrossFit competition, a zen Yoga Group, an Improv Show, or some sort of seminar on the meat packing industry. I know I’m going to be surrounded by people who share a passion that conflicts with mine, and I’ll be in the minority. Such a reality check, because I can never keep my mouth shut but this forces me to. Sometimes you just need a bunch of people to tell you that you’re wrong, and it’s even more powerful when you HATE the people.

 

Hobbies, Find Em: I joined two soccer leagues and a flag football league. I try to go to the above referenced open mics at least once per week when I don’t have a soccer game. I also try to set up networking drinks as frequently as I can manage (never.) When you fill your week with activities you have less time to be sad about sleeping alone in your cat litter laden bed (at least you can pretend you went to the beach?) I’m realizing that I actually really enjoy outdoorsy activities, like camping. These hobbies are helping me become ~a more complete woman~

 

Force Yourself Not to Be An Idiot: You know all those instincts you’ve developed over the years? Your impulse to run from all complicated scenarios? Your tendencies to shut people out when you feel them getting too close? That weird thing where you pick at the skin on your knuckle until you bleed and people ask you if you got into a fight and you have to lie and say your cat scratched you? Your Eat Pray Love period is a great time to try to retrain those. It’s painful as hell and you’re going to feel like a toddler screaming and shitting yourself every day. You might even actually shit yourself- in which case… Give me a call for diaper recs.

 

Don’t Put Up With Bullshit: When I was in high school I would convince myself that the CLEARLY douchey guy I had a crush on, who by some grace of da lord started to give me attention, was actually a great guy. I asked him if he liked me, he said “I like your ass.” I told him that I didn’t want to just hook up, I wanted commitment, he said “Probably not.” I told him I thought he was smart, funny and talented. He said I was “cool.” And you know what? I thought that was so sweet of him. I was so innocent back then. I wanna go back to that past Katrina and slap her across the face repeatedly. When bullshit presents itself, what do you say to bullshit? “Not Today.”

 

Quit Making Excuses For Yourself: You wanna lose weight? Stop making up excuses why you can’t go to the gym, and stop eating like a fat fuck. You want to read a book? Stop wasting hours writing political posts on Facebook. You wanna make friends? JOIN SHIT (just please not Improv for the love of God.) You wanna get laid? Spread your legs and watch your back. You’re not too busy. If you’re a twenty-something without children or a significant other, you have nothing but time. I don’t care if you have a job, I have a “job” and I write this blog when I feel like it. The world is your uterus, start building a fetus in it.

 

Wear Clothes That You’re Comfortable In: I felt obligated to wear jeans today because I wore joggers the other day and everyone made snide remarks about my “sweatpants.” Fair enough, they’re very comfortable. But sometimes after you go on a camping trip and eat copious amounts of burgers, sausages, eggs and bacon (without working out at all, mostly just while drinking beer) your jeans just don’t fit like they used to. I’m walking like a bow legged sailor. Or maybe like a lego man. Or maybe like a wooden doll. Just something that can’t move it’s extremities with ease.

 

 

imgres.jpg
One last nugget of wisdom before I wrap up this breakfast burrito: you really don’t have to Eat, Pray or Love if you don’t want to. Of those three activities, I am only doing one of them. It is Eat. Praying is fine if you’re a religious person or know how to pray to an ambiguous Godlike creature. Loving is cool too- but if you’re in this mess in the first place I’m assuming your heart has turned into a shriveled up black hole like mine. My heart is like a pancake that was left on the griddle for too long. It’s pretty much just charcoal, butter and flour. If you poke my heart it will disintegrate and its ashes will absorb into different parts of my body, giving me some kind of communicable disease that will shorten my lifespan drastically. Please, don’t touch my heart. So of the three things, Eat, Pray, Love… Just make sure to pick one and do it well.

 

 

(the above picture is an image of my heart)