Hi potential employer,
My name is Katrina Nicholson, sometimes I go by Stanley Kovack. Why Stanley? Well, it’s a nickname I gave myself last year. Sometimes I use it as my alter ego at bars when creepy guys hit on me, it’s also a nice way to scare off guys who I actually am interested in. Anyway, I’m applying for the open position from your website because someone sent it to me and I feel a sense of obligation to myself. I might take a few minutes to do some research on your company, but I probably won’t.
I attended college at the Boston University College of Communication, which was awesome because they accepted my 3 on the A.P Statistics test and I never had to take math again. Taking math in college was something I legitimately worried about for years, I barely squeaked by in high school because I would get angsty about not understanding so I’d just write poetry in the back of the room. Yes, the teacher noticed and no, the poems were not good. Can send samples upon request, but we’re both better off not rehashing that.
Below is a list of my insecurities and fears:
- I’m nervous you will feel the crusty calluses on my hand when we introduce ourselves and you’ll think I don’t use lotion. Unfortunately, lotion can’t fix these.
- I try really hard to raise my voice a few octaves when I interview, but really my natural tone is pretty low and potentially unsettling.
- I’m definitely sweating all over whatever chair you have me sitting in. Even if it’s not warm in the room.
- When you ask me to tell you about myself, I’m never sure if you mean me personally or my job experiences. I usually will go for a hybrid, which makes me very uncomfortable.
- I probably tower over you in my heels, if you’re a man I’m sorry but also not sorry that you feel emasculated. Get used to it if you plan on hiring me.
- I’m not really actively afraid of anything, but I definitely don’t want to be murdered brutally or get Zika virus.
- I’m afraid people judge me when they learn I am a cat owner.
While the above list may seem lengthy, I can assure you there are some benefits to hiring me. I’m a stickler for proper kitchen etiquette; I hate seeing injustice in the employee refrigerator. I am very territorial about my food, which actually makes a lot of sense from an evolutionary perspective. If you can’t protect your own food, how can you provide for your family? Survival of the fittest, Darwinism, etc. I feel that someone has stolen from me I will go absolutely insane and embark on a manic witch hunt that takes no prisoners. Trust me, you do not want to fuck with my kombucha because I already hate myself for spending $3.50 on it.
As far as work experience, I’m a drifter. I take on new identities on a daily basis, sort of like the Pokemon Ditto. Pokemon is relevant again with the emergence of Pokemon Go, so maybe you’re familiar with this reference since you might have tried to play at one point. What I’m trying to tell you is that I will change my personality so that you like me, I will be whoever you want me to be.
Want an IT guy? I’ll show up an hour late and act annoyed at every request you have, I’ll also make sure to condescendingly ask if you’ve Googled the problem yourself.
Want a sassy receptionist? I will make sure to answer the phone with a brisk “Hello this is Katrina- can you hold for just a brief moment while I attend to someone else for a 14 minutes?” Even when there is no one else on the other line.
In need of a workaholic executive who can close ANY deal? Consider me Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary.
If you want me to be myself, I can assure you that you will get a confusing blend of all of the above. I’m sort of like that soda we used to make when we were kids and bored at a restaurant- I’m a mix of literally every soda on the machine to the point that it’s intriguing but also revolting. That’s why I’m applying to this job actually- because no one else wants to drink me and I’ve been sitting on this table for weeks! (I really don’t even own a chair!)
I know you don’t want to be reading this, I don’t want to be writing it either (it’s funny that we still do it anyway!) I’ll leave you with a few things you can expect from hiring Katrina Nicholson: results, murderous stares from across cubicles, and LOTS of pity laughs (for me.) I’ve been referred to by managers in the past as the “caboose” of the team: part of the train, but the last and least important link that could derail without anyone else being affected (or even noticing!)
Would love to come in for an interview, can even bring along some collectibles that I’ve been meaning to get appraised to see if they’re worth anything! I’ve always wanted to be on Pawn Stars.
Below is my headshot in case you want to put a face to the name.