Highly Disturbing Movies to Watch on Halloween

Happy Halloween you sad sack of shit. Another year down, another successful set of costumes. I probably need to lay low and stay out of the city of Seattle for a bit. People really don’t like it when you try to use your Medical Marijuana card as identification to get into bars. Sorry I lost my Driver’s License at The Crocodile and JUST NOW GOT A PHONE CALL from them telling me they found it (after Lu and I tried to go into the bar and look for it ourselves but were turned away because they “Have a procedure for these things and can’t have you scallywags riflin through our property.”) Assholes. Also, I’m flattered that I look under 21 but I am 25 at this point and I’m having a hard enough time dealing with it emotionally.

ANYWAY. You lookin for something spooky to watch on Halloween? Well I can’t give you spooky, what I an offer you is traumatizing films that will stick around in the dark parts of your brain, hovering in your subconscious for the right moment to remind you that nothing is sacred and that every day you spend on this planet is another day you might face a painful and tortured death…

Before you judge me… I haven’t watched all of these. I have just read extensively about all of them and have a morbid curiosity that is not sufficiently satisfied by r/morbidreality. If you’re anything like me, reading the Wikipedia summaries should be enough to horrify you in the spirit of Halloween. If you’re even more like me you might dare to watch them. And if that’s the case, please text me because I’m too scared to watch alone.

 

KARLA

I’m starting the list off with the least offensive film of them all. Which is saying something because this one is (based on a true story) about a couple who teams up to murder young women. Yeah, SUPER unoffensive Katrina, thanks for EASING US INTO THIS. My friends and I watched this movie together in high school and it made me want to throw up.

Starring Laura Prepon (reason enough to give it a shot), the film centers around crimes committed in 1991 and 1992 by Canada’s most notorious serial killers Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. They seem like a typical suburban couple, but behind closed doors Bernardo rapes and murders young women… Including Karla’s own sister.

The lead actor did such a chillingly accurate portrayal of Bernardo that he urges his fanbase not to view the film because it will change their opinion of him. In fact, he has publicly voiced the large amount of regret he feels for being in the movie. The release was highly controversial in Canada, deemed insensitive to the victims’ families.

I enjoyed this film in the way that I enjoy all horror films: it makes you feel something. I definitely didn’t feel good after watching it, but there is a certain level of fascination behind abnormal psychology and I found their relationship intriguing. This is actually the only movie on the list that I have watched in its entirety.

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AUDITION

I lied, I’ve also watched this one all the way through. With the same friends, in high school. This is a Japanese movie with American subtitles so if you can’t get past that little impediment don’t bother wasting your time on it. The premise is that this wealthy Japanese widower decides to hold fake “casting auditions” for women to be his new wife. He takes interest in this one woman and… Well… Let’s just say he regrets that decision PRETTY QUICKLY.

The girl has what we might call a “dark” past and her jealousy gets the best of her. She is mad that the dude (I don’t want to write their names out because they’re really hard to spell) doesn’t love ONLY her. Soooooo, we slowly realize she’s a closet freak (not in the fun way) and likes to dismember people who piss her off. Let’s just say there is a scene where a mutilated man crawls out of a bag, so starving for nourishment that he eats the woman’s vomit. Which she placed in a dog bowl. For him to eat.

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CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST

We’re getting to the weirder shit now. I haven’t actually watched this entire film because I’m scared to watch it alone and I don’t know anyone who is fucked up in the head enough to watch with me. Also not sure where to find it. But this film is actually illegal in some countries because REAL animals are killed in it. It was actually accused of being a full snuff film where actors were killed too, but luckily they won the lawsuit and were able to prove the actors were alive. Gotta laugh a little about that, heh. Right?

This is a cannibal exploitation horror film, it feels VERY authentic which makes it nearly unbearable to watch. It tells the story of a missing documentary film crew who went to the Amazon to film cannibal tribes. This film is a presentation of the crew’s lost footage functioning similar to a flashback. It’s in the found footage style of narrative filmmaking kinda like a way more fucked up version of Blair Witch Project.

Some of the gems you’ll find in this film are: graphic brutality, sexual assault and real depictions of violence toward animals. There is a scene involving a  tree that is permanently ingrained in my mind. Also mutilated corpses. Idk. It’s a social commentary but if you take it at face value it’s just fucked up. Someone plz watch it with me. Thanks.

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SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM

I don’t really want to admit this, but I tried watching this in my old office during a slow week when my boss was out of town. This was back in the day when I had a cubicle that no one could walk behind so I could do whatever I wanted. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep a poker face and my coworker figured out what I was doing. So I had to stop out of fear of judgment.

This is an Italian-French horror art film. If you don’t know what that means, you’re in good company because I also don’t know what it means. The film focuses on four wealthy, corrupt fascist libertines after the fall of Benito Mussolini’s Italy in July 1943. See, when I write it like that it sounds kinda classy right?

Well… The director of the film was murdered shortly before it was released, not for any reason related to the film. Just a coincidence. This film is banned in several countries because it depicts youths subjected to intensely graphic violence, relentless sadism, sexual deviance, and brutal murder… FUN! Reading the Wikipedia “Plot” section should be enough to make your skin crawl and haunt your nightmares. Not kidding, you will feel yourself curl inwards when you read it. The fact that this film EXISTS makes me question the depths of the human psyche. Why am I still intrigued?

Despite the content being highly unnerving and… repugnant, it’s critically acclaimed. Do with that what you will. And also keep that in mind when you judge me for watching it.

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A SERBIAN FILM

I would say this and Salo are tied for the most fucked up and challenging to watch. I haven’t even attempted watching this one yet because I know I can’t face it alone. Aptly named, this Serbian film tells the story of a financially struggling porn star who agrees to participate in an “art film,” only to discover that he has been drafted into a snuff film with child rape and necrophiliac themes. ANOTHER SHOCKER, this one is banned in several countries.

Read the Wikipedia plot then go have a nice long shower and think about what you’ve done. The director of the film responded to controversy surrounding the film by saying “This is a diary of our own molestation by the Serbian government… It’s about the monolithic power of leaders who hypnotize you to do things you don’t want to do. You have to feel the violence to know what it’s about.”

Technically this is a parody of modern politically correct films. But definitely not a parody in the same way as any parody I’ve ever watched. Jesus. I appreciate this film because I loathe political correctness and this is about as politically incorrect as you can get without pissing the entire world off. Oh, wait, he already did that so… I guess this is just lasting evidence of how politically incorrect you can get?

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The common thread in all of these films is that they aren’t terrifying in the way most modern horror is. I remember sitting at Saw 3D and watching a severed arm fly out towards my face. There wasn’t even an attempt at narrative in that movie, people were getting their body parts chopped off for the sake of body parts being chopped off. I’m ALL FOR BODY PARTS BEING CHOPPED OFF, but buy me dinner first.

I’m not saying you should watch any of these movies, I actually recommend not watching them unless you read the summary first and think you can handle the content. But if you’re looking to watch a movie that will actually change how you view the world, I guarantee any of these will do the trick. So often we watch films as an escape from the horrible aspects of humanity, but occasionally it’s nice to hold a mirror up to yourself and realize what a filthy creature you actually are.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Love all of you. I’ll leave you with this sweet little festive image.

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Interstellar: Matthew Mcconaughey Trapped in a Bookcase

Gonna throw it out there and let everyone know that I already deleted Tinder… not just the app, my account on Tinder is completely gone. Because the only three guys I bothered talking to past the initial stage of “Sup?” all turned out to be so disappointing that I am tempted to leave this city and burn it to the ground behind me (we’re in a drought, it’s totally feasible.) Seriously, if I get one more guy who seems normal then has a fucked up Instagram page (full of stupid hashtags) where I find out his non-ironic nickname includes a DOLLAR SIGN… I’ll lose my mind. 

 From now on, if you want to ask me out you have to call my parents landline and get my mom’s permission or come to my apartment and throw rocks at my window until it shatters and I call the cops. I’m putting on a concrete adult diaper and locking up my private parts for the fall season motherfuckers. 

Anyway, last night Beaver and I watched the first hour of Interstellar (we got too tired to keep going, so tonight we will continue while we feast on a Costco $5 rotisserie chicken with our bare hands.) This is the second time watching, the first time was in theaters where I  was kind of giddy/aroused and simultaneously overwhelmed by how fucked up da universe is.

If you haven’t seen the movie, please stop reading now or else you’re going to yell at me for spoiling it and this (right here) is the minimal extent that I care about your personal needs. The main point I need to get across to you, reader, is that Matthew Mcconaughey is the ghost trapped in the book shelf. It is HIM trapped in the bookshelf in another dimension, and if that doesn’t blow your mind I don’t know what will. Matthew Mcconaughey in space.

He is trying to communicate with his brilliant daughter (for once they give the female child the brains and the male child the ability to become a “great farmer”) to tell her to make sure he doesn’t go on the doomed population bomb mission into wormhole land. He’s trying to say “Murph- THEY WANT TO PUT HUMAN EGGS ON ANOTHER PLANET AND FORCE LADIES TO CARRY BABIES AS SURROGATES AND RESTART HUMANITY IN A PLACE THAT ISN’T FILLED WITH EXPLOSIVE DIRT STORMS AND MEDIOCRE CROP HARVESTING.” But he’s trying to say all of that through a book shelf where words cannot be exchanged, so as you can imagine, this movie is RIPE with conflict.

The creepy plastic bag guy from American Beauty + short haired Anne Hathaway will try to convince you that there is a plan A where we shuttle the people of Earth over to the wormhole… But realistically in what the fuck fantasyland are you living where you think the people in leadership on our planet would go to that trouble? They’re gonna ship the eggs + the most fertile women and force them to carry countless stranger fetuses in their womb so that diversity exists again. And then, you know, everyone will live normally on this new planet and forget the whole Earth thing ever happened?

It has been so long since I saw the rest of this movie that I forgot mostly everything in the plot except for Matt Damon rising from the dead on his own planet and trying to kill everyone. I really don’t even remember exactly WHAT Matthew is trying to communicate from inside the bookshelf. I just know it’s him, he’s in there and he’s trying to get out of multi-dimensional purgatory. Can you imagine being trapped in a wacky bookshelf that you can’t even fully COMPREHEND for the foreseeable future? I would just float in silence and let the books consume me. You really don’t have another choice… you’re floating in the abyss.

So yeah, when I watch this movie all I think about is how his future self is trapped in the bookcase and desperately trying to get his past self’s attention so that he can save his own existence. Wrap your brain around that! Seriously… How many people could successfully convince their past self of a life altering decision just by punching some books in the formation of binary code or whatever.

I’ll pose this question to you- what would YOU do if you were trapped in a bookcase?

 

images-1.jpgYeah that’s YOU in there!!!

What My Tinder Profile Should Say

Not saying my Tinder profile isn’t accurate, but if I really wanted to give an honest description of what it’s like to date me I think I would write it out a bit differently. Since I’m not trying to scare all of my matches away… I have a relatively tame description. I say my height (because it’s relevant) make a joke about being Minnesotan, make a joke about killing yourself if you don’t like Fantasy Football, and then I throw in a Rick and Morty reference about masturbating for good measure.

My match ratio is high, usually when I swipe right I get a match, a relatively typical girl experience. I don’t swipe right very often because Tinder is a scary place. I also realize that guys will sit at their phones and swipe right until they “run out” of swipes, so that’s another reason not to feel TOO good about myself. I usually won’t message first unless I’m drunk, because I’m scarred from Bumble. And the guys I’m tempted to message first are the dbags I shouldn’t have swiped right on in the first place.

If I wanted to be brutally honest and change my profile as often as I change my mind about downloading this trash-hole of an app… This is what I would include.

I’m 6 feet tall (SINCE EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW SO BADLY LOL)- so you probably don’t want to wear those heels you love so much! LOL.

Every dude makes this joke and I swear every dude thinks they’re the first one to make it. If a guy is over 6’1 he will likely make a joke about girls being able to wear their heels. They will also comment on how every girl seems to want to know their height before meeting them in person.

I do understand being annoyed by this, if you’re a short guy you will constantly get turned down just for being short. Sorry, not my fault you lost the genetic lottery. But I am on the other end of that problem. As I’ve said before, I’m not trying to date a little elf man who makes me feel like a dirty bridge troll named Bruce. I need someone who is less of a little bitch than me, and the bar for that rests around 6’1. If a 5’6 girl asks for a guy to be at least 5’7 it’s not BULLSHIT but the second I ask for a dude who is taller than me I have too high of standards.

Dicks.

I know you said you want a ‘natural’ girl but I’m actually going to wear no makeup to our date and I will not look like I do in my pictures.

All the men think they want a natural lady, but when they get one they turn away in horror and pretend to have an emergency phone call from their dying mother. Because a naked woman face is something society isn’t mentally prepared for. ******COUGH KYLIE JENNER LIP KIT COUGH***** I’ll spoil you for the first few dates and I’ll wear maybe some eyeliner and mascara and then I’ll slowly wean you off thinking I look like that.

If you want me to show up ‘natural’, by all means, I will do it. I will take a three hour nap and roll out of my bed, pillow creases, cold sweat and drool crust included, and I will show up wearing sweatpants I bought at Walmart. Or maybe just my boxers with seagulls wearing hats. That is me in my natural state.

I don’t want to message first because I’m too uncomfortable with this entire situation, not because I think I’m too good for you.

I really don’t want to message first. I get a lot of anxiety PICTURING the conversation we’re going to have on this stupid app. I want to get off this app as fast as I can, and every message notification I received I’m assuming will be the one to help me realize:

“Yep, this guy is a psychopath and now he knows my name, age, and location!”

In case you weren’t aware, my friends and I call one of the guys I went on a date with Serial Killer Steven (I changed his actual name because he probably found my blog and is reading this right now.) So my concern is valid.

If you match with me, I probably find you attractive and not douchey (maybe) so you should send me a message and I’ll probably reply then delete the app out of fear.

If you tell me the type of girl you’re looking for imma swipe left on your ass.

I love all the guys who say things like “I’m looking for a laid back fun chick who doesn’t care what people think of her and won’t be SUPER high maintenance and doesn’t take 3 hours to get ready but still knows how to act like a LADY.” No, just no. You don’t need to TELL ME what you’re looking for. That’s the point of swiping, you just… choose the people who are your TYPE then say NAH to the people who aren’t.

Also when you say things like that you’re assuming that these type of girls are already down for your bullshit. They probably aren’t. You’re the same dbags who have pictures next to an exotic car (that you’re pretending is yours), the dog face Snapchat filter, and a selfie of you making some weird duck face that you think is sexy. YEAH, GUYS DO IT TOO!

Don’t ask me what I’m “looking for” because there is no answer to that.

I’m not sure WHY I am on this app. It seems to be the only way to meet dudes that are single without having to approach them at the bar. Last week at the bar I purposefully deceived a guy into believing I went to Harvard, convinced another that I was a professional volleyball player and called another one a “gatekeeper” because he was standing next to an entryway. I’m not the greatest at “The Game” and we’re only talking about one night.

What I am NOT looking for is some dude who takes me on a few dates, pretends to care about getting to know me, makes an effort to be a respectful human being… Then suddenly drops off all communication. I’m not looking to be tricked into a sexual relationship that exists on your terms only. I’m not looking for you to lie to me to get things you want out of me, I’m looking for a dude who respects women and talks to me like I’m an equal. Because I am one, and I probably have a bigger metaphorical dick than you.

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I’m back on Tinder. This is the first time I’m admitting it publicly. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Since I keep deleting and downloading Tinder over and over again… I think I might be insane.

The only variable that changes on Tinder is the people you meet, otherwise the game remains the same. I’m trying to go into this “session” with a more realistic attitude of who I’m going to find. I’m trying to be more selective about who I choose to meet up with. Trying to use discretion but also not changing who I am to make someone else like me. Idk. It’s all a shitfuck.

 

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