What My Tinder Profile Should Say

Not saying my Tinder profile isn’t accurate, but if I really wanted to give an honest description of what it’s like to date me I think I would write it out a bit differently. Since I’m not trying to scare all of my matches away… I have a relatively tame description. I say my height (because it’s relevant) make a joke about being Minnesotan, make a joke about killing yourself if you don’t like Fantasy Football, and then I throw in a Rick and Morty reference about masturbating for good measure.

My match ratio is high, usually when I swipe right I get a match, a relatively typical girl experience. I don’t swipe right very often because Tinder is a scary place. I also realize that guys will sit at their phones and swipe right until they “run out” of swipes, so that’s another reason not to feel TOO good about myself. I usually won’t message first unless I’m drunk, because I’m scarred from Bumble. And the guys I’m tempted to message first are the dbags I shouldn’t have swiped right on in the first place.

If I wanted to be brutally honest and change my profile as often as I change my mind about downloading this trash-hole of an app… This is what I would include.

I’m 6 feet tall (SINCE EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW SO BADLY LOL)- so you probably don’t want to wear those heels you love so much! LOL.

Every dude makes this joke and I swear every dude thinks they’re the first one to make it. If a guy is over 6’1 he will likely make a joke about girls being able to wear their heels. They will also comment on how every girl seems to want to know their height before meeting them in person.

I do understand being annoyed by this, if you’re a short guy you will constantly get turned down just for being short. Sorry, not my fault you lost the genetic lottery. But I am on the other end of that problem. As I’ve said before, I’m not trying to date a little elf man who makes me feel like a dirty bridge troll named Bruce. I need someone who is less of a little bitch than me, and the bar for that rests around 6’1. If a 5’6 girl asks for a guy to be at least 5’7 it’s not BULLSHIT but the second I ask for a dude who is taller than me I have too high of standards.


I know you said you want a ‘natural’ girl but I’m actually going to wear no makeup to our date and I will not look like I do in my pictures.

All the men think they want a natural lady, but when they get one they turn away in horror and pretend to have an emergency phone call from their dying mother. Because a naked woman face is something society isn’t mentally prepared for. ******COUGH KYLIE JENNER LIP KIT COUGH***** I’ll spoil you for the first few dates and I’ll wear maybe some eyeliner and mascara and then I’ll slowly wean you off thinking I look like that.

If you want me to show up ‘natural’, by all means, I will do it. I will take a three hour nap and roll out of my bed, pillow creases, cold sweat and drool crust included, and I will show up wearing sweatpants I bought at Walmart. Or maybe just my boxers with seagulls wearing hats. That is me in my natural state.

I don’t want to message first because I’m too uncomfortable with this entire situation, not because I think I’m too good for you.

I really don’t want to message first. I get a lot of anxiety PICTURING the conversation we’re going to have on this stupid app. I want to get off this app as fast as I can, and every message notification I received I’m assuming will be the one to help me realize:

“Yep, this guy is a psychopath and now he knows my name, age, and location!”

In case you weren’t aware, my friends and I call one of the guys I went on a date with Serial Killer Steven (I changed his actual name because he probably found my blog and is reading this right now.) So my concern is valid.

If you match with me, I probably find you attractive and not douchey (maybe) so you should send me a message and I’ll probably reply then delete the app out of fear.

If you tell me the type of girl you’re looking for imma swipe left on your ass.

I love all the guys who say things like “I’m looking for a laid back fun chick who doesn’t care what people think of her and won’t be SUPER high maintenance and doesn’t take 3 hours to get ready but still knows how to act like a LADY.” No, just no. You don’t need to TELL ME what you’re looking for. That’s the point of swiping, you just… choose the people who are your TYPE then say NAH to the people who aren’t.

Also when you say things like that you’re assuming that these type of girls are already down for your bullshit. They probably aren’t. You’re the same dbags who have pictures next to an exotic car (that you’re pretending is yours), the dog face Snapchat filter, and a selfie of you making some weird duck face that you think is sexy. YEAH, GUYS DO IT TOO!

Don’t ask me what I’m “looking for” because there is no answer to that.

I’m not sure WHY I am on this app. It seems to be the only way to meet dudes that are single without having to approach them at the bar. Last week at the bar I purposefully deceived a guy into believing I went to Harvard, convinced another that I was a professional volleyball player and called another one a “gatekeeper” because he was standing next to an entryway. I’m not the greatest at “The Game” and we’re only talking about one night.

What I am NOT looking for is some dude who takes me on a few dates, pretends to care about getting to know me, makes an effort to be a respectful human being… Then suddenly drops off all communication. I’m not looking to be tricked into a sexual relationship that exists on your terms only. I’m not looking for you to lie to me to get things you want out of me, I’m looking for a dude who respects women and talks to me like I’m an equal. Because I am one, and I probably have a bigger metaphorical dick than you.



I’m back on Tinder. This is the first time I’m admitting it publicly. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Since I keep deleting and downloading Tinder over and over again… I think I might be insane.

The only variable that changes on Tinder is the people you meet, otherwise the game remains the same. I’m trying to go into this “session” with a more realistic attitude of who I’m going to find. I’m trying to be more selective about who I choose to meet up with. Trying to use discretion but also not changing who I am to make someone else like me. Idk. It’s all a shitfuck.



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