Interstellar: Matthew Mcconaughey Trapped in a Bookcase

Gonna throw it out there and let everyone know that I already deleted Tinder… not just the app, my account on Tinder is completely gone. Because the only three guys I bothered talking to past the initial stage of “Sup?” all turned out to be so disappointing that I am tempted to leave this city and burn it to the ground behind me (we’re in a drought, it’s totally feasible.) Seriously, if I get one more guy who seems normal then has a fucked up Instagram page (full of stupid hashtags) where I find out his non-ironic nickname includes a DOLLAR SIGN… I’ll lose my mind. 

 From now on, if you want to ask me out you have to call my parents landline and get my mom’s permission or come to my apartment and throw rocks at my window until it shatters and I call the cops. I’m putting on a concrete adult diaper and locking up my private parts for the fall season motherfuckers. 

Anyway, last night Beaver and I watched the first hour of Interstellar (we got too tired to keep going, so tonight we will continue while we feast on a Costco $5 rotisserie chicken with our bare hands.) This is the second time watching, the first time was in theaters where I  was kind of giddy/aroused and simultaneously overwhelmed by how fucked up da universe is.

If you haven’t seen the movie, please stop reading now or else you’re going to yell at me for spoiling it and this (right here) is the minimal extent that I care about your personal needs. The main point I need to get across to you, reader, is that Matthew Mcconaughey is the ghost trapped in the book shelf. It is HIM trapped in the bookshelf in another dimension, and if that doesn’t blow your mind I don’t know what will. Matthew Mcconaughey in space.

He is trying to communicate with his brilliant daughter (for once they give the female child the brains and the male child the ability to become a “great farmer”) to tell her to make sure he doesn’t go on the doomed population bomb mission into wormhole land. He’s trying to say “Murph- THEY WANT TO PUT HUMAN EGGS ON ANOTHER PLANET AND FORCE LADIES TO CARRY BABIES AS SURROGATES AND RESTART HUMANITY IN A PLACE THAT ISN’T FILLED WITH EXPLOSIVE DIRT STORMS AND MEDIOCRE CROP HARVESTING.” But he’s trying to say all of that through a book shelf where words cannot be exchanged, so as you can imagine, this movie is RIPE with conflict.

The creepy plastic bag guy from American Beauty + short haired Anne Hathaway will try to convince you that there is a plan A where we shuttle the people of Earth over to the wormhole… But realistically in what the fuck fantasyland are you living where you think the people in leadership on our planet would go to that trouble? They’re gonna ship the eggs + the most fertile women and force them to carry countless stranger fetuses in their womb so that diversity exists again. And then, you know, everyone will live normally on this new planet and forget the whole Earth thing ever happened?

It has been so long since I saw the rest of this movie that I forgot mostly everything in the plot except for Matt Damon rising from the dead on his own planet and trying to kill everyone. I really don’t even remember exactly WHAT Matthew is trying to communicate from inside the bookshelf. I just know it’s him, he’s in there and he’s trying to get out of multi-dimensional purgatory. Can you imagine being trapped in a wacky bookshelf that you can’t even fully COMPREHEND for the foreseeable future? I would just float in silence and let the books consume me. You really don’t have another choice… you’re floating in the abyss.

So yeah, when I watch this movie all I think about is how his future self is trapped in the bookcase and desperately trying to get his past self’s attention so that he can save his own existence. Wrap your brain around that! Seriously… How many people could successfully convince their past self of a life altering decision just by punching some books in the formation of binary code or whatever.

I’ll pose this question to you- what would YOU do if you were trapped in a bookcase?


images-1.jpgYeah that’s YOU in there!!!

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