Happy Halloween you sad sack of shit. Another year down, another successful set of costumes. I probably need to lay low and stay out of the city of Seattle for a bit. People really don’t like it when you try to use your Medical Marijuana card as identification to get into bars. Sorry I lost my Driver’s License at The Crocodile and JUST NOW GOT A PHONE CALL from them telling me they found it (after Lu and I tried to go into the bar and look for it ourselves but were turned away because they “Have a procedure for these things and can’t have you scallywags riflin through our property.”) Assholes. Also, I’m flattered that I look under 21 but I am 25 at this point and I’m having a hard enough time dealing with it emotionally.
ANYWAY. You lookin for something spooky to watch on Halloween? Well I can’t give you spooky, what I an offer you is traumatizing films that will stick around in the dark parts of your brain, hovering in your subconscious for the right moment to remind you that nothing is sacred and that every day you spend on this planet is another day you might face a painful and tortured death…
Before you judge me… I haven’t watched all of these. I have just read extensively about all of them and have a morbid curiosity that is not sufficiently satisfied by r/morbidreality. If you’re anything like me, reading the Wikipedia summaries should be enough to horrify you in the spirit of Halloween. If you’re even more like me you might dare to watch them. And if that’s the case, please text me because I’m too scared to watch alone.
I’m starting the list off with the least offensive film of them all. Which is saying something because this one is (based on a true story) about a couple who teams up to murder young women. Yeah, SUPER unoffensive Katrina, thanks for EASING US INTO THIS. My friends and I watched this movie together in high school and it made me want to throw up.
Starring Laura Prepon (reason enough to give it a shot), the film centers around crimes committed in 1991 and 1992 by Canada’s most notorious serial killers Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. They seem like a typical suburban couple, but behind closed doors Bernardo rapes and murders young women… Including Karla’s own sister.
The lead actor did such a chillingly accurate portrayal of Bernardo that he urges his fanbase not to view the film because it will change their opinion of him. In fact, he has publicly voiced the large amount of regret he feels for being in the movie. The release was highly controversial in Canada, deemed insensitive to the victims’ families.
I enjoyed this film in the way that I enjoy all horror films: it makes you feel something. I definitely didn’t feel good after watching it, but there is a certain level of fascination behind abnormal psychology and I found their relationship intriguing. This is actually the only movie on the list that I have watched in its entirety.
I lied, I’ve also watched this one all the way through. With the same friends, in high school. This is a Japanese movie with American subtitles so if you can’t get past that little impediment don’t bother wasting your time on it. The premise is that this wealthy Japanese widower decides to hold fake “casting auditions” for women to be his new wife. He takes interest in this one woman and… Well… Let’s just say he regrets that decision PRETTY QUICKLY.
The girl has what we might call a “dark” past and her jealousy gets the best of her. She is mad that the dude (I don’t want to write their names out because they’re really hard to spell) doesn’t love ONLY her. Soooooo, we slowly realize she’s a closet freak (not in the fun way) and likes to dismember people who piss her off. Let’s just say there is a scene where a mutilated man crawls out of a bag, so starving for nourishment that he eats the woman’s vomit. Which she placed in a dog bowl. For him to eat.
We’re getting to the weirder shit now. I haven’t actually watched this entire film because I’m scared to watch it alone and I don’t know anyone who is fucked up in the head enough to watch with me. Also not sure where to find it. But this film is actually illegal in some countries because REAL animals are killed in it. It was actually accused of being a full snuff film where actors were killed too, but luckily they won the lawsuit and were able to prove the actors were alive. Gotta laugh a little about that, heh. Right?
This is a cannibal exploitation horror film, it feels VERY authentic which makes it nearly unbearable to watch. It tells the story of a missing documentary film crew who went to the Amazon to film cannibal tribes. This film is a presentation of the crew’s lost footage functioning similar to a flashback. It’s in the found footage style of narrative filmmaking kinda like a way more fucked up version of Blair Witch Project.
Some of the gems you’ll find in this film are: graphic brutality, sexual assault and real depictions of violence toward animals. There is a scene involving a tree that is permanently ingrained in my mind. Also mutilated corpses. Idk. It’s a social commentary but if you take it at face value it’s just fucked up. Someone plz watch it with me. Thanks.
I don’t really want to admit this, but I tried watching this in my old office during a slow week when my boss was out of town. This was back in the day when I had a cubicle that no one could walk behind so I could do whatever I wanted. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep a poker face and my coworker figured out what I was doing. So I had to stop out of fear of judgment.
This is an Italian-French horror art film. If you don’t know what that means, you’re in good company because I also don’t know what it means. The film focuses on four wealthy, corrupt fascist libertines after the fall of Benito Mussolini’s Italy in July 1943. See, when I write it like that it sounds kinda classy right?
Well… The director of the film was murdered shortly before it was released, not for any reason related to the film. Just a coincidence. This film is banned in several countries because it depicts youths subjected to intensely graphic violence, relentless sadism, sexual deviance, and brutal murder… FUN! Reading the Wikipedia “Plot” section should be enough to make your skin crawl and haunt your nightmares. Not kidding, you will feel yourself curl inwards when you read it. The fact that this film EXISTS makes me question the depths of the human psyche. Why am I still intrigued?
Despite the content being highly unnerving and… repugnant, it’s critically acclaimed. Do with that what you will. And also keep that in mind when you judge me for watching it.
I would say this and Salo are tied for the most fucked up and challenging to watch. I haven’t even attempted watching this one yet because I know I can’t face it alone. Aptly named, this Serbian film tells the story of a financially struggling porn star who agrees to participate in an “art film,” only to discover that he has been drafted into a snuff film with child rape and necrophiliac themes. ANOTHER SHOCKER, this one is banned in several countries.
Read the Wikipedia plot then go have a nice long shower and think about what you’ve done. The director of the film responded to controversy surrounding the film by saying “This is a diary of our own molestation by the Serbian government… It’s about the monolithic power of leaders who hypnotize you to do things you don’t want to do. You have to feel the violence to know what it’s about.”
Technically this is a parody of modern politically correct films. But definitely not a parody in the same way as any parody I’ve ever watched. Jesus. I appreciate this film because I loathe political correctness and this is about as politically incorrect as you can get without pissing the entire world off. Oh, wait, he already did that so… I guess this is just lasting evidence of how politically incorrect you can get?
The common thread in all of these films is that they aren’t terrifying in the way most modern horror is. I remember sitting at Saw 3D and watching a severed arm fly out towards my face. There wasn’t even an attempt at narrative in that movie, people were getting their body parts chopped off for the sake of body parts being chopped off. I’m ALL FOR BODY PARTS BEING CHOPPED OFF, but buy me dinner first.
I’m not saying you should watch any of these movies, I actually recommend not watching them unless you read the summary first and think you can handle the content. But if you’re looking to watch a movie that will actually change how you view the world, I guarantee any of these will do the trick. So often we watch films as an escape from the horrible aspects of humanity, but occasionally it’s nice to hold a mirror up to yourself and realize what a filthy creature you actually are.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Love all of you. I’ll leave you with this sweet little festive image.