When I was at the darkest moment of my life, a voice in the back of my head quietly whispered over and over again “The best revenge is a life well lived.” A quote attributed to multiple people with slight variations, a quote seemingly ingrained in my DNA.
I had fits of rage where I thought of all of the ways I could get back at the people who wronged me. I would daydream about all of the things I would say and do to them. The palpable hatred within me unleashed upon them. My day of reckoning was to come. I laid helplessly in the same bed I’d laid helplessly in as a teenager wondering just how I would ever summon the courage and strength to carry out these big plans. I had no appetite, my skin was pale and oily, my cheeks were sinking in, my long hair was tangled and matted constantly. I felt utterly used up.
“If I give in, they all win.” The same voice kept whispering.
If you know me, you know that I hate losing. I’m a sore loser. A shitty loser. A whatever loser. I’m NOT a loser so I try to win as often and as decisively as possible. Giving in to my dark thoughts became increasingly tempting as I grew more and more tired of fighting.
But there were people fighting for me. People who showed their true colors in my time of need. People who reminded me that taking my own life would be the most selfish thing I could do. People who reminded me that THIS version of me was not the real version of me. People who stood by my side tirelessly, persistently, and with vulnerability.
There are people in this life who are worth fighting for. People who are worth living for. People who will love you in a way that will change you profoundly. People who want to see the best version of you and who will patiently wait for you to see yourself the way they see you.
I remember the night that Donald Trump was elected president in November of 2016. I was in the thick of my tour with Rock Bottom. I sat helplessly on my couch with my laptop drinking Kirkland white wine straight from the bottle. I finished two enormous bottles blacking out seamlessly into the evening as my internal panic encompassed my entire body.
I was the exact type of woman that Trump’s America preyed on. I was weak, insecure, and purposeless. I let my emotional and mental scars coat my entire body and confine my true self to such a tiny part of my soul. I sat alone in the corner of my brain with my legs pulled to my chest, rocking back and forth. Ashamed of the woman I became. Desperate to pick up where I once left off.
For the first time in my 3 years in lost Angeles, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and take control of my own destiny. Not necessarily right then and there, but that was the day I knew I had to change. I had to prove to this “President” what women were capable of. Even if #TheDonald never personally knew me, I wanted to stand as a shining example to all of his supporters: women are capable of becoming superior beings.
Today I am conflicted by my own identity. I am proud to be a woman, but I am not proud to be associated with girls who masquerade as women.
A woman who is truly empowered is not threatened by other women. She sees other women’s strengths and she helps them step into their potential. A woman is vulnerable and allows others to have her heart when they show they are deserving. A woman is careful with other women’s hearts because she knows the volatility and depth of our emotional capacity.
A girl is weak. A girl is insecure. A girl compares and competes with other women based on superficial notions. Based on what she is told is important by the media and by the content she consumes. A girl puts up a front and blends in with her surroundings, carefully avoiding controversial opinions. Toeing the party line, operating on a “girl code” that is made up of lies. A girl is her best friend’s worst enemy, her enabler and her parasite. A girl is a disgrace to women.
I’m done associating with girls. I am not a girl. I am a woman. I am beautiful, I am strong, I am brave, I am confident, I am tenacious, I am willful, I am independent, I am boisterous, I am fierce, I am sexy, I am joyful, I am loving, I am empowered.
At this point, you are either with me or against me. I am done with fronts, I am done with lies, I am done with catty bullshit.
Revenge for me, for the two pathetic human beings who assaulted me… One physically, one sexually… I hope you are watching closely. I hope you are following my life and seeing just how strong I have become.
The best part? I’m just getting started.