A Letter to Myself

WRITTEN 2/11/16: I am going to use this document as a means for my brain to communicate with my outer self. Yeah, I sound super Los Angeles right now. But I figure that since my words tend to be better understood written, rather than spoken, I might as well give it a shot. 

I’m unemployed and going through a bit of a stupid existential crisis. I am all over the place. But I also just feel so… I don’t know. I just feel like there are things I want to be, but won’t. Because I want to be the way everyone thinks I’m supposed to be. I want to do the things people expect of me. I don’t want to be the girl everyone watches crash and burn. I guess I might be just feeling selfish right now.

I feel exceedingly young but I feel like I am supposed to behave like I’m a real adult. I feel like I am supposed to be a thirty year old but I want to be 21 again. I don’t really want to be either. I just want to figure out this time in my life. 

I go through waves where everything feels fine, feels great, but then I slowly creep back into this. I don’t know a way that I can make it go away. I don’t have answers. I only have questions. I am hoping that some of these questions will be answered when I’m in New Zealand. If they aren’t answered, I am going to come back feeling worse than I do now. More confused, broken and fucked up in the head. Help me Katrina! You’re my only hope. Make a decision and stand by it. We gotta get these wheels turning.

RESPONSE WRITTEN 12/17/2019: Hello there young lady! First of all, let me start off by saying how much I appreciate the sentiment here. We are both very lucky that you asked yourself these questions at this particular moment in time. I’m here to tell you that you were right to go with your gut.

This person is not you. Your spirit is broken but not vanquished. You accepted the love you thought you deserved. You didn’t know any better, it’s okay.

I’m sorry I ever let you stop playing sports, I’m sorry I didn’t understand how the shape of a football worked. Well, I’m more sorry that I didn’t bother to try to figure it out. I’m sorry I thought a film degree was the best thing for us (lol.) I’m sorry I allowed fuck bois to slide in and out of your life and dms. I’m sorry you felt like that’s what you deserved.

I’m here to tell you that you’ve always been stronger than you think. I regret nothing! That’s right, NOTHING. The best years of your life are still ahead! You may feel like you gave up on yourself in some ways, but it took me until this moment to realize you actually gave yourself a chance.