When reality gets turned on its head, the brain is sure to panic. I know we’re all feeling at least a little bit weird right now, whether you want to admit it or not. I certainly try to tell myself that everything is fine, but sometimes panic at a glance of the world outside.
Sitting inside without having football, I forgot who I am. I find myself momentarily slipping into the person I was before I found sports. I find myself seeing the world through the eyes of my insecure 25 year old self.
I used football to replace my addiction to alcohol, and I was addicted to alcohol because I am paralyzingly insecure.
I try to be intentional about my confidence, but without football to validate me I feel like a fraud. I’ve spent most of my life using sports to validate me. Sports are my healthiest relationship with numbers, units that have meaning in reality.
Validation shouldn’t matter, but it does to me because I wanted to be accepted. Not by everyone, but by the people who matter to me. I want to be safe in myself, idiosyncrasies and all.
Most days I feel like I have more in common with my kitten than my neighbors. That’s just reality, you are at your essence when you’re alone. My essence is uncertain, because there are two parts of my identity that I can’t reconcile and one of them is toxic.
I don’t want to live in fear. I just want to exist.