In Repair Mode

I should have known something was wrong when I couldn’t put pen to paper for months. I sat behind my own eyes not knowing what parts of reality existed. 

My life has been mostly full of waves of hating myself for different reasons. Mostly for not being able to pull off “normal.” Also paired with a resentment for anything labeled “normal” because I don’t think it exists. 

I spent the last few months obsessing over the wrong things. I got wrapped up in the same challenges I faced when I first got to LA. I tried to please too many people and as a result lost sight of the people who actually matter. I neglected my own personal care for the sake of my job, I eliminated behaviors that didn’t directly serve my job. 

I genuinely forgot how to communicate. So overwhelmed by what I can and can’t say, so mystified by the changes to our social norms, so frustrated by the general lack of authentic interaction. I just felt angry and sad, and I let the hopeful parts of my personality melt away while I used every ounce of myself to perform at my job. 

I got sucked into this little vacuum of existence where my life had a bold line down the middle between work and life. That line started to move further and further away from the middle and my life was just a little skinny thread confined to various hour long slots I could find. But the person who showed up to those hour long slots, was tired and depleted. 

You are responsible for striking that balance before it’s too late. For me, it was almost too late. I almost ruined my marriage and I’ve alienated myself in a strong community of people who understand the emotional roller coaster of being an athlete. 

I do not want to be a terrifying and erratic person. I want to be the best version of myself that I can. I want to be a good example for people. I want to get out of survival mode and start living. 

After almost 8 years of living in LA, I have learned that without my job and without steady income I can’t stay here. My ability to have a life is contingent on my ability to hold down steady employment, just like everyone else. 

Where I made a mistake is assuming that my worth as a person was 100% tied to my career. I also made the false assumption that any mistake I made in work could be the event that destroys everything I have worked for. I am human, I am never going to be anything more than that. I will always make mistakes and some will be worse than others. 

Today, I am acknowledging that I have a problem handling my emotions. I am actively seeking help and expect to steadily improve over the next 6 months. All I ask from you, if you are reading this, please be patient with me.