Nick and Vanessa: I’m Sorry, But I Need to Tear You a New One.

I was going to attempt a movie review today- but instead I’m going to focus on a newly formed “couple” who got a lot of buzz a week or so ago, but I’m still clinging to this material because I watched the finale on Sunday. I live under the false assumption that everyone who watches the Bachelor realizes just how fake it is. The more I pry my head out of my own “Unscripted Television” ass, the more I realize that many people don’t comprehend just how far from “reality” this Garbage Island of a show is. Taking this moment to formally compare The Bachelor to the Dumpsite in the Pacific that apparently is the size of Texas. Click here for more information

People say subtle things like:

“You could totally tell Nick loved Vanessa all along.”

“I think he has WAY stronger feelings for Raven!”

“Nick finally found love!”

I’m going to give my thoughts on the absurdity of the above exclamations, but I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of the mind-fuckery at play in this series. Full disclosure- I had preworkout again this morning for the first time in a while and my brain is all over the nuts and who knows where that will take us. Go ahead and hop aboard the Magic School Bus! We’re taking a dive into the Digestive System!!!!

Side note: If you aren’t following me on Snapchat, feel free to scoot on over and gimme an add. I did a tutorial of how to unclog a swampy-ass drain last night and I’ve gotten some good feedback on it. I’m going to continue posting tutorials on the daily for as long as I can think of good ones. So there’s my shameless plug- go check out my Snapchat story!

 

Let me preface this entire analysis with one key piece of wisdom that you must grasp…

 

Virtually NONE of the Contestants Are On the Show to “Find Love”

Big Beak aka Chris Harrison constantly uses this language for a reason- it has a hypnotic effect both on the viewer and on the contestants. The more you are primed with this concept the more your brain starts to contextualize what it’s seeing. I’m not gonna cite any resources because, fuck that- you’re reading my opinion not the DSM-IV. Also, every aspect of this show is produced like a soap opera. It’s undeniably fairytale-like for the majority of the episodes. (Barring the ones where they shovel livestock turds on a farm in Wisco… SIDE NOTE: My uncle knows the farmer who they filmed that episode on…If that’s not the most Midwestern thing you’ve ever heard me say…) Can’t fault them- they make the show look beautiful.

All of that being said- this is the highest rated show on ABC, one of the “Big 5” networks. The audience remains consistent and the rating is steady year after year- even competing with live athletic events on occasion. There are millions of eyeballs on this shitstorm, that’s pretty fucking impressive considering we’re experiencing the downfall of the network system as we know it.

A contestant’s reason for coming on the show may vary, but generally it has little to do with them having a realistic expectation of falling in love with the lead. Typical reasons?

  • Exposure: Especially important for small business owners (think personal trainers, salon owners, boutique owners, vague ‘entrepreneurs’ and aspiring dolphin trainers.)
  • Fame: Goes hand in hand with the first one- a lot of these people think they have that “it” factor to become a model or actress. Too bad most of them will fail. Too bad none of us really have that “it” factor and it’s all a matter of luck, timing, and whose bum you can tickle in Hollywood. (Am I bitter? I might be.)
  • Instagram Whoring: They see other former contestants do it, they want in. Some of these contestants get a fuckload of followers and therefore get paid to promote trash products on their social media pages. Yum. I wanna sell me some subscription vegan meal delivery services using photos of me frolicking in a corn field! #TrueCornVegan
  • Travel: Of all the reasons, this one makes the most sense to me. Free vacation all over the world staying in luxury hotels? Sign me up. Except for the whole dating the same guy as 45 other women thing. Sounds like a bad night at the Harvard Finals Clubs.

 

With that in mind, let’s talk about Nick and Vanessa. I’ll start with Nick.

 

Nick Viall, 36 (I think?): His last name is Viall for Christ sake… He’s about the most disgusting human being who has ever slugged his slimy body across your TV screen. And can we just remind ourselves for a second: This is his FOURTH time appearing on the franchise? They’re spinning the whole “Poor Nick can’t find love!” narrative when he’s actually the one who rejected someone in Paradise so that he could be the Bachelor. COOL NICK. With what authority do YOU get to reject people in paradise?

I also don’t really get the appeal of a 36 year old former blue-collar software salesman from Waukesha Wisconsin…(Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick’s resume included a late 20’s prolonged managerial stint at the Radio Shack at Fox River Mall in Appleton.) If he weren’t specially groomed for TV and paired frequently next to Chris “Bad Dye Job, Toucan Beak For a Nose” Harrison I think he could pass for a tiny-dicked (may be true) neckbeard locked away in his dark Wisconsin basement making sexually repressed and hateful remarks about women on r/redpill.

Just my two-cents. The guy has been on the show four times for no reason other than to be famous… He is taking acting lessons. He is going to be on Dancing With the (Well at Least They Tried Their Best and ALMOST Made It) “Stars.” If he has anything to do with it, he will not be leaving your screens anytime soon. In fact, Nick wants to move into your living room so you can stare at him all day every day and tell him how pretty he is. Just like my fatass cat Max used to do when we watched the Price is Right. Except at least Max KNEW he was only there for us to laugh at during commercial breaks.

Vanessa Grimaldi, 29: I really don’t know what to tell you about her. I think she lives on a different planet than the rest of us. She doesn’t seem like the type to seek fame after this, but she does seem like the type who came on the Bachelor to “win” the Bachelor. I think she might have gotten suckered into applying by friends and family who truly believe the show is real… Then when she arrived it became real.

Vanessa seems easily manipulated and highly suggestible, due to some extreme insecurity. She was the classic contestant who doesn’t seem to remember what she signed up for. She was aware other girls existed but in denial that any of them “formed meaningful connections” with Nick. But the reality was that NONE of them formed “meaningful connections.” They formed artificial ones, and for whatever reason… Hers lasted longest.

I usually skip the finale of every season because I read spoilers and by that point I’m bored by everything happening in the unbearably long final episode… But because the After the Final Rose was so controversial (and hilarious) this year I decided to watch the entire finale.

I think the hardest pill for everyone to swallow while watching the show, is how genuine the two people sound as they’re exchanging words at the…. Pulpit? (Like honestly what do you call the weird room where he proposes?) I had a very hard time watching Nick say all of the shit he said to Vanessa, knowing approximately none of it was real.

I think in that moment those two probably felt a lot for each other, but not because they’re in love… Probably for some of, if not ALL of the below reasons:

  • They’re sexually attracted to each other
  • They just shared extravagant experiences together in a foreign country
  • They’re constantly being primed by producers to believe that they’re falling in love (Vanessa more so than Nick, he’s a seasoned veteran at this point and has lost the ability to feel emotions)
  • There are literally cameras all around them…I imagine it feels similar to performing on stage.
  • Both of them are wearing clothes they could never afford in real life (3 years of Nick’s Radio Shack salary couldn’t have afforded him that snazzy tux) and have probably had their makeup done professionally (I’m fully convinced Nick demands extensive contouring and expert-level beard grooming before any appearance in public.)  They look about as attractive as they possibly could ever look, they only have downhill ahead.

Not only do all of these things cause heightened emotions… They also create a scenario that is entirely unrealistic. When you strip all of those things away, and it’s just Vanessa and Nick sitting next to each other on a couch and no one is talking about them… What do you have? Two people who are stubborn, overconfident (to the point of cockiness), fame-hungry, superficial… And bored. The sex was probably fun for a month or two, but from what I’ve heard… Nick has a voracious appetite and even at 36 does not plan on settling down anytime soon. Use it or lose it am I rite Nicky-Boiiii? Nah, he will be like Hugh Hefner and keep on rockin till the day he don’t wake up.

The success of Nick and Vanessa has very little to do with Nick and Vanessa as people. It has everything to do with going on a television show, “dating” someone for 6 weeks and spending about a total of 24 quality hours with them TOPS and then deciding to get engaged with the intention of having a highly publicized wedding. If I can’t even get a dude who I hand select from Bumble to stick around for more than a month, how the fuck does any woman expect a slimy Nick Viall to marry her and stay faithful/devoted/speak real words to her?

The answer, kids… Don’t go on The Bachelor if you’re looking 4 love. In fact, avoid Los Angeles in general if you’re looking for it.

-Seacrest Out!

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(Lovers in the moooooonlight)

 

 

 

 

 

Requiem For a Dream: How Much Do You Hate Yourself?

In honor of the New Year I am going to make an effort this week to write every day. This week I actually have a good movie to write about and it’s available to stream FOR FREE on Netflix. So you can read my little summary and decide if you’d like to embark on this wild ride of emotions for yourself. (SPOILER ALERT: You won’t.)

Requiem For a Dream is that movie everyone says you should watch once then never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, watch again. I watched it when I was in high school with a few friends and had to miss a month of school due to paralyzing fear of the world. I figured almost 10 years later I was ready for my second go-around. Especially considering I’m a brooding intellectual with the potential to go places, hindered only by my vices which render me useless to the productive world… Just like the people in the movie. WOOOO! PARTY!

Talya came over for a chill movie night at my place and I ambushed her with this option. Since she works in film, Requiem was on her list of movies she needs to watch. But she didn’t know anything about it. I kept it that way, I didn’t give her any warning. I just worked as fast as I could to pull it up before she could change her mind.

Let’s talk about it:

THE SUMMER:

At the beginning of the movie you forget just how much it will mentally destroy you. I remember sitting there and thinking “Oh, this isn’t so bad… Why was I so dramatic about it?” I now laugh at past Katrina’s ignorance.

TACTICS. If they pulled their dick out at the beginning of the movie do you really think you’d keep watching to see that dick shrivel up into a heroin needle infected prune? No, you wouldn’t. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)

Jared Leto is a disgusting human being (in real life) so this role is pretty perfect for him. Heroin, cocaine, pawning his mother’s shitty television for drugs… He’s an all around winner. His beautiful girlfriend Jennifer Connelly is somehow broken enough inside to not only date him but also to indulge in the same vices. They are SUPER addicted.

Let’s make this story even yummier by watching Jared Leto and Marlon Wayans decide it’s a great idea to become drug dealers. Has that idea ever gone poorly for anyone in the history of ever? Nah, it’s usually a good career move. I figured this would make the rest of the movie free of conflict.

On the other main plotline we have Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto’s mom. Holy fucking shit this woman can act. She’s a lonely and desperate mother who lacks purpose in her monotonous life. So she sits and watches infomercials on repeat and tries to Keep Up With the Wrinkly Jones’(my nickname for her equally decrepit female co-tenants whose idea of a good time is sitting in lawn chairs on the sidewalk wearing brightly colored sun hats and sipping moldy lemonade.)

THE FALL:

Now you start to remember why this movie made you seriously consider quitting alcohol and sleeping with the lights on for three weeks. Fun little film technique used here- The Fall refers to both the season AND the downfall of the main characters. HEHHEEHEH I BET YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT SINCE YOU DIDN’T SPEND A BILLION DOLLARS ON FILM SCHOOL.

Ellen Burstyn is taking diet pills because she wants to fit into the red dress she wore to Harry’s (Jared Leto’s) graduation. For what reason? She got a phone call saying she was set to appear on television (the same type of phone call you get informing you that you’ve won an all expense paid cruise.) She latches onto this promise and it becomes her only reason for living. She builds up a tolerance to these “diet pills” which are actually a series of amphetamines and sedatives. WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT MAYBE I’LL TRY IT? Well once you build up a tolerance to a drug, the best thing to do is double and triple the original dosage. So she does exactly that and goes batshit insane. We’re talking Knife Wielding Hollywood Homeless level nutso.

Drug Dealing goes GREAT for the aspiring Drug Dealers- there’s a massive shootout involving a deaf guy doing shady sign language in a limo. Then another massive shootout when they try to find new drug suppliers. The market runs dry, Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly get desperate and she has to start selling her body. Jared Leto decides he’s going to Florida because that’s the best place to reinvigorate your drug drought apparently. Shit starts to get really cute right about now.

THE WINTER:

It is this season that gave me a feeling in my bones that I rarely experience. A feeling I sometimes experience when I’m getting my eyebrows/upper lip threaded by a particularly aggressive threader and the pain becomes too much to handle. A feeling that you can only address by squirming around in your seat, asking yourself if you might just need to pee, then releasing tears. You’re not really crying, but your entire body hates you and wants whatever is happening to end as soon as possible or it may unleash the contents of your bladder and bowels with a vengeance. Since this is the climax of the movie I don’t want to ruin it for you, but I will give you a little list to clue you into what you can expect:

  • “Ass to ass” (this is one of the most famous quotes of the movie.)
  • Decaying arm
  • Evil refrigerator
  • A mental breakdown in the subway
  • Prison mayhem
  • Liquid nutrition shoved down a throat + electric shock therapy.
  • An absolutely massive dildo

Maybe nothing on that list rattles you, and if that’s the case…  Still go watch this movie when you have a few spare hours. It’s free on Netflix and I promise you will leave the viewing feeling SOMETHING. (And if you’re dead inside like me, feeling ANY emotion is better than your constant state of numbness and stagnation.)

Personal Lessons I learned From Requiem For a Dream:  

  • Damn, that theme music is cool. It sounds kind of like the Saw theme.
  • While I may be a complete piece of shit on many occasions, thank fucking god I’m not a heroin addict.
  • Selling your body is as alien and terrifying as it sounds, and is also quite a reflection on the buyer.
  • Never take your relationship with your parents for granted. Holy hell, Mom, I promise I’ll never steal your TV for drug money, especially if we’re at the point where you chain it to the wall. And I’m going to try to call more often, please just don’t get eaten by the refrigerator.
  • Don’t let your mother take diet pills, especially if they’re meth.
  • The second your arm starts turning a strange color… see a doctor for the love of god. I don’t care if you’re gonna get nailed for whatever made your arm turn that color, would you rather have your flesh fall off in MASSIVE BLACK PIECES?
  • You and your friends should all have something in common, but please don’t let it be your shared love for illicit and highly addictive drugs.
  • Same goes for your romantic relationship ^^^
  • New Jersey is scary.
  • If you want to drive to Florida from New Jersey make sure both of your arms are in liveable condition. (Same goes for all other extremities tbh.)
  • If your ticket to fame and fortune involves selling drugs, you’ll probably fit in nicely in Los Angeles with all the other failed actors,writers, directors, models… etc.
  • Don’t do drugs.
  • Drugs are bad, if you do them you will die an early death.
  • Everything they taught you in D.A.R.E was true.
  • If I could go back to 4th grade and rewrite my D.A.R.E speech I would just cite Requiem For a Dream in every other paragraph and if I didn’t get selected to read my speech at the special presentation night, that shit’s rigged. Although, even if I had been chosen my face would have turned really red, I would have cried, and everyone would have felt sorry for me. So let’s just leave history as it lay and let my shitty speech rest in peace.

Safe travels ya band of misfits! I just added a bunch of fun stuff to my Netflix list and I am still going to sit for an hour or so deciding what to watch. But once I do pick something to watch, you can bet I’ll write it up on here.

I’m open to suggestions, if there is something that looks intriguing but probably too shitty to actually sit down and watch… Pass it along to me. I’ve got nothing better to do with my life than stay awake into the early hours of the morning watching television with a blanket pulled over my head, taking a pint of ice cream straight to the face. 

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(You may think it’s just a normal refrigerator, but you’d be wrong if you thought that. It’s not a normal refrigerator… Trust me, it’s very far from it. Don’t let it deceive you.)

Highly Disturbing Movies to Watch on Halloween

Happy Halloween you sad sack of shit. Another year down, another successful set of costumes. I probably need to lay low and stay out of the city of Seattle for a bit. People really don’t like it when you try to use your Medical Marijuana card as identification to get into bars. Sorry I lost my Driver’s License at The Crocodile and JUST NOW GOT A PHONE CALL from them telling me they found it (after Lu and I tried to go into the bar and look for it ourselves but were turned away because they “Have a procedure for these things and can’t have you scallywags riflin through our property.”) Assholes. Also, I’m flattered that I look under 21 but I am 25 at this point and I’m having a hard enough time dealing with it emotionally.

ANYWAY. You lookin for something spooky to watch on Halloween? Well I can’t give you spooky, what I an offer you is traumatizing films that will stick around in the dark parts of your brain, hovering in your subconscious for the right moment to remind you that nothing is sacred and that every day you spend on this planet is another day you might face a painful and tortured death…

Before you judge me… I haven’t watched all of these. I have just read extensively about all of them and have a morbid curiosity that is not sufficiently satisfied by r/morbidreality. If you’re anything like me, reading the Wikipedia summaries should be enough to horrify you in the spirit of Halloween. If you’re even more like me you might dare to watch them. And if that’s the case, please text me because I’m too scared to watch alone.

 

KARLA

I’m starting the list off with the least offensive film of them all. Which is saying something because this one is (based on a true story) about a couple who teams up to murder young women. Yeah, SUPER unoffensive Katrina, thanks for EASING US INTO THIS. My friends and I watched this movie together in high school and it made me want to throw up.

Starring Laura Prepon (reason enough to give it a shot), the film centers around crimes committed in 1991 and 1992 by Canada’s most notorious serial killers Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. They seem like a typical suburban couple, but behind closed doors Bernardo rapes and murders young women… Including Karla’s own sister.

The lead actor did such a chillingly accurate portrayal of Bernardo that he urges his fanbase not to view the film because it will change their opinion of him. In fact, he has publicly voiced the large amount of regret he feels for being in the movie. The release was highly controversial in Canada, deemed insensitive to the victims’ families.

I enjoyed this film in the way that I enjoy all horror films: it makes you feel something. I definitely didn’t feel good after watching it, but there is a certain level of fascination behind abnormal psychology and I found their relationship intriguing. This is actually the only movie on the list that I have watched in its entirety.

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AUDITION

I lied, I’ve also watched this one all the way through. With the same friends, in high school. This is a Japanese movie with American subtitles so if you can’t get past that little impediment don’t bother wasting your time on it. The premise is that this wealthy Japanese widower decides to hold fake “casting auditions” for women to be his new wife. He takes interest in this one woman and… Well… Let’s just say he regrets that decision PRETTY QUICKLY.

The girl has what we might call a “dark” past and her jealousy gets the best of her. She is mad that the dude (I don’t want to write their names out because they’re really hard to spell) doesn’t love ONLY her. Soooooo, we slowly realize she’s a closet freak (not in the fun way) and likes to dismember people who piss her off. Let’s just say there is a scene where a mutilated man crawls out of a bag, so starving for nourishment that he eats the woman’s vomit. Which she placed in a dog bowl. For him to eat.

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CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST

We’re getting to the weirder shit now. I haven’t actually watched this entire film because I’m scared to watch it alone and I don’t know anyone who is fucked up in the head enough to watch with me. Also not sure where to find it. But this film is actually illegal in some countries because REAL animals are killed in it. It was actually accused of being a full snuff film where actors were killed too, but luckily they won the lawsuit and were able to prove the actors were alive. Gotta laugh a little about that, heh. Right?

This is a cannibal exploitation horror film, it feels VERY authentic which makes it nearly unbearable to watch. It tells the story of a missing documentary film crew who went to the Amazon to film cannibal tribes. This film is a presentation of the crew’s lost footage functioning similar to a flashback. It’s in the found footage style of narrative filmmaking kinda like a way more fucked up version of Blair Witch Project.

Some of the gems you’ll find in this film are: graphic brutality, sexual assault and real depictions of violence toward animals. There is a scene involving a  tree that is permanently ingrained in my mind. Also mutilated corpses. Idk. It’s a social commentary but if you take it at face value it’s just fucked up. Someone plz watch it with me. Thanks.

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SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM

I don’t really want to admit this, but I tried watching this in my old office during a slow week when my boss was out of town. This was back in the day when I had a cubicle that no one could walk behind so I could do whatever I wanted. Unfortunately I couldn’t keep a poker face and my coworker figured out what I was doing. So I had to stop out of fear of judgment.

This is an Italian-French horror art film. If you don’t know what that means, you’re in good company because I also don’t know what it means. The film focuses on four wealthy, corrupt fascist libertines after the fall of Benito Mussolini’s Italy in July 1943. See, when I write it like that it sounds kinda classy right?

Well… The director of the film was murdered shortly before it was released, not for any reason related to the film. Just a coincidence. This film is banned in several countries because it depicts youths subjected to intensely graphic violence, relentless sadism, sexual deviance, and brutal murder… FUN! Reading the Wikipedia “Plot” section should be enough to make your skin crawl and haunt your nightmares. Not kidding, you will feel yourself curl inwards when you read it. The fact that this film EXISTS makes me question the depths of the human psyche. Why am I still intrigued?

Despite the content being highly unnerving and… repugnant, it’s critically acclaimed. Do with that what you will. And also keep that in mind when you judge me for watching it.

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A SERBIAN FILM

I would say this and Salo are tied for the most fucked up and challenging to watch. I haven’t even attempted watching this one yet because I know I can’t face it alone. Aptly named, this Serbian film tells the story of a financially struggling porn star who agrees to participate in an “art film,” only to discover that he has been drafted into a snuff film with child rape and necrophiliac themes. ANOTHER SHOCKER, this one is banned in several countries.

Read the Wikipedia plot then go have a nice long shower and think about what you’ve done. The director of the film responded to controversy surrounding the film by saying “This is a diary of our own molestation by the Serbian government… It’s about the monolithic power of leaders who hypnotize you to do things you don’t want to do. You have to feel the violence to know what it’s about.”

Technically this is a parody of modern politically correct films. But definitely not a parody in the same way as any parody I’ve ever watched. Jesus. I appreciate this film because I loathe political correctness and this is about as politically incorrect as you can get without pissing the entire world off. Oh, wait, he already did that so… I guess this is just lasting evidence of how politically incorrect you can get?

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The common thread in all of these films is that they aren’t terrifying in the way most modern horror is. I remember sitting at Saw 3D and watching a severed arm fly out towards my face. There wasn’t even an attempt at narrative in that movie, people were getting their body parts chopped off for the sake of body parts being chopped off. I’m ALL FOR BODY PARTS BEING CHOPPED OFF, but buy me dinner first.

I’m not saying you should watch any of these movies, I actually recommend not watching them unless you read the summary first and think you can handle the content. But if you’re looking to watch a movie that will actually change how you view the world, I guarantee any of these will do the trick. So often we watch films as an escape from the horrible aspects of humanity, but occasionally it’s nice to hold a mirror up to yourself and realize what a filthy creature you actually are.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Love all of you. I’ll leave you with this sweet little festive image.

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Interstellar: Matthew Mcconaughey Trapped in a Bookcase

Gonna throw it out there and let everyone know that I already deleted Tinder… not just the app, my account on Tinder is completely gone. Because the only three guys I bothered talking to past the initial stage of “Sup?” all turned out to be so disappointing that I am tempted to leave this city and burn it to the ground behind me (we’re in a drought, it’s totally feasible.) Seriously, if I get one more guy who seems normal then has a fucked up Instagram page (full of stupid hashtags) where I find out his non-ironic nickname includes a DOLLAR SIGN… I’ll lose my mind. 

 From now on, if you want to ask me out you have to call my parents landline and get my mom’s permission or come to my apartment and throw rocks at my window until it shatters and I call the cops. I’m putting on a concrete adult diaper and locking up my private parts for the fall season motherfuckers. 

Anyway, last night Beaver and I watched the first hour of Interstellar (we got too tired to keep going, so tonight we will continue while we feast on a Costco $5 rotisserie chicken with our bare hands.) This is the second time watching, the first time was in theaters where I  was kind of giddy/aroused and simultaneously overwhelmed by how fucked up da universe is.

If you haven’t seen the movie, please stop reading now or else you’re going to yell at me for spoiling it and this (right here) is the minimal extent that I care about your personal needs. The main point I need to get across to you, reader, is that Matthew Mcconaughey is the ghost trapped in the book shelf. It is HIM trapped in the bookshelf in another dimension, and if that doesn’t blow your mind I don’t know what will. Matthew Mcconaughey in space.

He is trying to communicate with his brilliant daughter (for once they give the female child the brains and the male child the ability to become a “great farmer”) to tell her to make sure he doesn’t go on the doomed population bomb mission into wormhole land. He’s trying to say “Murph- THEY WANT TO PUT HUMAN EGGS ON ANOTHER PLANET AND FORCE LADIES TO CARRY BABIES AS SURROGATES AND RESTART HUMANITY IN A PLACE THAT ISN’T FILLED WITH EXPLOSIVE DIRT STORMS AND MEDIOCRE CROP HARVESTING.” But he’s trying to say all of that through a book shelf where words cannot be exchanged, so as you can imagine, this movie is RIPE with conflict.

The creepy plastic bag guy from American Beauty + short haired Anne Hathaway will try to convince you that there is a plan A where we shuttle the people of Earth over to the wormhole… But realistically in what the fuck fantasyland are you living where you think the people in leadership on our planet would go to that trouble? They’re gonna ship the eggs + the most fertile women and force them to carry countless stranger fetuses in their womb so that diversity exists again. And then, you know, everyone will live normally on this new planet and forget the whole Earth thing ever happened?

It has been so long since I saw the rest of this movie that I forgot mostly everything in the plot except for Matt Damon rising from the dead on his own planet and trying to kill everyone. I really don’t even remember exactly WHAT Matthew is trying to communicate from inside the bookshelf. I just know it’s him, he’s in there and he’s trying to get out of multi-dimensional purgatory. Can you imagine being trapped in a wacky bookshelf that you can’t even fully COMPREHEND for the foreseeable future? I would just float in silence and let the books consume me. You really don’t have another choice… you’re floating in the abyss.

So yeah, when I watch this movie all I think about is how his future self is trapped in the bookcase and desperately trying to get his past self’s attention so that he can save his own existence. Wrap your brain around that! Seriously… How many people could successfully convince their past self of a life altering decision just by punching some books in the formation of binary code or whatever.

I’ll pose this question to you- what would YOU do if you were trapped in a bookcase?

 

images-1.jpgYeah that’s YOU in there!!!

Anne Hathaway in Les Mis

This isn’t a movie review. I just really want to talk specifically about the scene in Les Mis where Anne Hathaway is dying of scurvy and slowly spiraling into the colonial version of rock bottom. It isn’t the cute type of rock bottom either… It’s like… HOLY shit you are not clean. You are literally filthy and you have really fallen far from the specimen of fertility you once were. imgres.jpg

For those of you who haven’t watched this movie, Anne Hathaway is beautiful at the beginning. She works in some clothing factory run by Hugh Jackman. All the other ladies hate her because she’s hot af and they’re homely af. She’s also just really good at her job, which in typical woman fashion, makes everyone jealous. God ladies, why can’t we be more industrial?

So the bitches of the clothing factory conspire against her to get her fired. It isn’t very difficult. They sing the entire time they do it. That’s the weirdest thing to me about musicals, they sing jaunty tunes as they do horrible things. Like in Rent they’re just singing about how they’re all dying of AIDS? I can’t handle that.

So anyway, Anne Hathaway gets fired from her job at the clothing factory. She’s thrown out onto the streets. Sucks. Worst part? She’s a single mother and her crazy sister and her husband are taking care of the child. She has to send them money or the child dies. Seriously, these people are so nutso that they would just let the child starve and wither away into a dried up raisin.

So Anne Hathaway wanders into what I will call the Dirty District. You know, that street that mom says not to go down because drug deals are happening and people are getting shot left and right? This dirty district looks like various shipwrecks. Dirty ladies hanging from windows and screaming this “Lovely Ladies” song. Anne Hathaway goes here to make her money, because she’s fucking beautiful. Selling yourself to the night is every beautiful woman’s plan Z. Not speaking from experience.

So this all happens very fast… First Anne Hathaway sells her hair… Her beautiful shiny brown hair. They cut it off with a rusty shiv and then do god knows what with it? Were they making wigs? Why are they paying for hair? Are they going to fashion it into a coat? This is the colonial times, they didn’t pay for extensions and weaves etc. I can’t imagine why they’d pay for her hair. Maybe they just really wanted to see how much she’d be willing to do it for, in a drunk frat party way?

Next up, infinitely more horrifying, she sells her teeth. They just sit her down, Sweeney Todd style, and rip out her teeth with rusty tetanus infected pliers that they probably also used to surgically remove a fat sweaty pirate’s hemorrhoids. Poor Anne, that one definitely hurt a lot.

So she’s crumpled up in the fetal position, wasting away, sending every penny she makes to her child. And then all the other Dirty District ladies are like “Wanna be a prostitute too?” And Anne is like… Fuck it. Yeah. So then some gross Pirate Ship Captain has sex with her and throws a couple quarters at her. JESUS ANNE, CHARGE MORE FOR THAT KIND OF SERVICE!

This is the part where I usually start crying. Anne is crumpled up in this weird coffin looking bed situation. She sings my favorite song of the whole movie, because I’m a dark and brooding bitch.

“I Dreamed A Dream” Is a nice tune about how men break our hearts time and time again, leaving us on death row with an incurable disease and nothing to our names. It leaves me wondering what happened to the man who impregnated her? Where the fuck did he go? She’s singing about how she loved him and they had a great time together and then he ran the fuck away from her. Dude… Don’t ghost in the colonial days… She has literally no way of finding you. It’s not cute. You can’t just GHOST someone you have a child with. You truly ruined her life. That’s what this song is about.

Last night as my Dad and I were winding down after the long day of moving. We’re drinking beers, channel surfing, Les Miz was on FXM at the hotel. This scene just started and I go:

“Dad, this is the most depressing scene in the movie!” In an excited tone, for some reason.

So he leaves it on, in its entirety.

Proud to say this is the first time I’ve watched it without crying.

I challenge anyone with a soul to watch this movie by themselves in a dark room, preferably when you’re already feeling sad about something going horribly in your life. Bonus points if you’re a menstruating woman. If you can successfully make it through this scene without crying, I’ll take you to In-N-Out. If you don’t live in California, I’ll mail you In-N-Out.

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She’s still so pretty somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

Planet of the Apes (the original one)

I’m back at it. Had to take a week long hiatus because sometimes life gets in the way. I can’t really explain the urge I felt today. The urge to watch Planet of the Apes. It was a strong urge, one that I needed to address as soon as possible. I still haven’t even watched the Game of Thrones premiere because I needed so desperately to watch Planet of the Apes.

It was so worth sitting through my shitty WiFi buffering every 20 minutes. This movie was made in 1968 when CGI didn’t exist and our grandparents were probably attractive. The special effects are minimal, but the ape faces are VERY convincing. Anyway, starring HOLLYWOOD HEARTHROB Charlton Heston, the originator of the sexy Dad Bod, this flick is nonstop action. I was invested the second they revealed the shriveled up female corpse on the spaceship. (Of course they had to kill her off, she was an astronaut and we’re talking about the late 60s… Women weren’t astronauts back then.)

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(this is Charlton Heston, he was still pretty hot up until the end… for an old guy.)

The three boys land on this deserted, vapid planet. They’re pissed as fuck because they’ve literally been traveling for decades and all of their relatives have been dead for a super long time because TIME works differently when you’re flying around the universe. Remember Interstellar and how Matthew McConnaughey was stuck in a closet the whole time? But yeah, shit is looking pretty dismal for these three dudes. Of the three, I only care to know the main guy’s name was George Taylor because (*SPOILER ALERT*) everyone else pretty much DIES right away in a brutal monkey sneak attack on a wild human village. Prehistoric humans who can’t even speak. Poor defenseless humans.

So George conveniently gets shot in the throat, rendering him unable to use his voice and prove himself to be a non-prehistoric human. A Jane Goodall-esque doctor takes an interest in him and calls him “bright eyes” because he’s just so sexy. She’s the only one who wants to believe a human this advanced could exist, everyone else is in denial because duh, they’re apes. They don’t want the humans to revolt and take over. This is THEIR planet.

So he lives in a cage and they let him mate with the most attractive woman from the village. This leading lady delivers ZERO lines throughout the entire film. But it’s fine because in this world humans can’t talk anyway so it’s just the life they lead.

The entire movie is pretty much based around George being a maniac controversial character up in Ape Town. He wants to be treated with dignity but the apes treat him like we treat apes. Aka he has to sit naked in a cage full of his own shit, piss, and tears. He keeps trying to show the Jane Goodall woman how special he is, and she believes him, but she risks being charged for heresy if she defends him. Life is ruff!

I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, because I was very happy with it and would like anyone with an HBO Go account to go watch for themselves. So you can audibly say “OH SHIT!” at the final scene like my cat did.

My overall comments:

  • Since I have a useless degree in Film and Television, I have to say some douchey things that would make my teachers feel like they contributed something to society other than leading a hopeful woman to believe she has a chance to cut it in Hollywood.
    • Whenever there is a big revelation they do a quick zoom in on a persons reaction along with a little pick-me-up in the already unsettling music. It’s effective storytelling but also hilarious.
  • At the beginning of the movie they realized they needed to give some character exposition really fast before everyone died. So they literally had a monologue of one guy telling George what he thinks of him. “You know, you just don’t take no for an answer… You’re a REAL trailblazer… You really are just an optimistic guy.”
  • Of course George finds the only attractive woman in the entire human tribe IMMEDIATELY. Also how does she keep her facial hair/pubic hair so tame? They don’t shave in this world and she has perfectly shaped eyebrows.
  • Lol at humans in monkey suits
  • Lol at monkeys riding horses
  • I still don’t know why they killed everyone at the beginning? Were they hunting…? Why did they spare George?
  • There is a weird part where human bodies hang on a spitfire roasting skillet and it’s just grim as fuck. Very uncomfortable moment.
  • Why do these apes on a completely different planet speak English? If you watch the movie this question gets answered.
  • “Human see Human do” is a thing and it’s so condescending we should really stop saying it about monkeys.
  • Apes kissing is so right and so wrong. They shove their mouths at each other and peck quickly. I couldn’t find a scene of it but this scene is a classic. Pretty sure the other ape hisses at George for stealing his lady.
  • Best quote of the entire movie is when George speaks for the first time after his vocal chord injury and he’s caught up in the net “Get your hands off me you dirty stinking apes!” Imma use that at bars. Maybe Megan Trainor should try that.
  • Once George escapes they give him a change of rags and he refuses to put them on because they smell bad… As if he hasn’t been clothed in rags for the entire movie?

At the very end, the Ape Minister (I can’t remember his actual title) sees George sticking by his girlfriend (who can’t speak, duh he sticks by her) and he says:

“I didn’t realize men could be monogamous!”

And George delivers the best one liner of the entire film:

“On this planet, it’s easy!”

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My review: Watch this shit if you wanna get weird with some APES. 

 

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It’s exactly like it sounds- a shitty movie that uses Facebook as a narrative tool. I was craving a terrible horror movie so the second I saw this tagline I knew I’d found The One:

“A group of online chat room friends find themselves haunted by a mysterious, supernatural, force using the account of their dead friend.”

Yaaaz Kween. Before I start diving into my review, I just want you to know that this flick is currently on HBO Go, so you NEED to go on there and watch it ASAP before they take it off. My gut tells me they might take it off sooner rather than later.

The best part about this movie is that the entire thing is from the perspective that you are sitting on your laptop fucking around on the internet. Since I spend the majority of my days doing that anyway, I felt instantly comfortable and slightly aroused by the 2014 Macbook iOS. A lot of the time I felt like I was stalking a group of highschoolers while they got terrorized. I kinda felt like I was the one forcing them to kill themselves, which was fun for me.

Movie starts with the main girl, Blaire, getting dirty on Skype with her weird looking boyfriend Mitch (who she annoyingly refers to as ‘Mitchie’ the entire movie.) She invites him over to her place to take her virginity and he’s got a raging boner, until their friends crash the party for a Google Hangout style Skype conference. What ever happened to the good old days of talking on AIM chat rooms together?

But we quickly realize, something isn’t right about this conference. There is a rando lurking among them and no one can figure out how to get the person off the call. You don’t actually see the face of the rando but you see their user icon and they can type shit if they want. The group of pals keep trying to hang up on the rando but it won’t work so they assume it’s a glitch.

Until their dead classmate starts MESSAGING all of them on Facebook from her DEAD Facebook account. Guys she’s dead. It’s super wtf, how can she chat from da grave? Well apparently, in this world, she can because she’s a spirit. But at first they all assume someone is fucking with them.

Side note- let me tell you how Laura Barns died. Laura Barns got super hammered one night and shit her pants. I am not kidding, Laura Barns got SO DRUNK she SHIT herself. I only know one person who has ever done that and it shockingly wasn’t me.

You’re thinking “Okay, you don’t need to kill yourself if you shit your pants… Happens to the best of us.” Well actually, reader, someone videoed the whole thing and it went VIRAL. The video shows Laura Barns passed the fuck out on the ground, wearing short shorts, with poo oozing out the sides. Yes, they do show the poo.

Everyone tells Laura to kill herself because it’s so embarrassing, and Laura gets aggressively cyber-bullied. So yeah, she takes a revolver to her head and blows herself to smithereens. Yikes!

Laura’s angry ghost wants to get some vengeance on the bitches who made the video (we don’t know who exactly that is.) Totally fair on her part- if my soul is unsettled when I die I will prob follow Laura’s lead. The thing is, no one takes this bitch seriously because they’re like “Wut? Spirits of undead pants poopers? No way…” Which is very rational.

At one point they add this girl Val to the chat because they think she’s responsible for the weird messages. Turns out VAL is also getting harassed. Then Laura’s corpse starts posting embarrassing drunk pictures of Val from the other people in the chat’s accounts… And then everyone starts fighting about it and it gets intense for a second. Val says some really fucked up shit. Then Laura’s corpse forces Val to kill herself by drinking bleach. Idk how she forces her to do it, but Laura’s corpse is omnipotent and apparently super persuasive?

Now everyone is legit scared because Val is dead on the floor (even though none of them even like Val so they were kind of okay with her passing.) Lots of heavy breathing by the one overweight dude, lots of panic from Blaire, lots of screaming from Adam (one of the other dudes.) I think this might actually be Adam’s breakout role, he really gave it his all. He is drunk the entire time which they never really explain? He’s just kind of sipping on a glass of whiskey like some fucking alcoholic grandpa. So he slowly over the course of the movie gets hammered, alone.

Other shit happens, but I don’t really care about it. The best part is when Laura blackmails all of them into playing a rousing game of Never Have I Ever. Anyone who knows me knows that this is my favorite game, because I love to ask invasive questions and force uncomfortable answers out of people I hardly know. (I would love to play Never Have I Ever with Bernie Sanders and his wife…) Well guess what guys? Laura is way better than me at asking questions. Laura’s corpse knows ALL. No secrets can be kept from Dead Laura Barns.

In this game of Never Have I Ever, it is revealed (via targeted questions) within this tight-knit group of friends that:

  • Jess started a rumor that Blaire had an eating disorder.
  • Blaire crashed Jess’s mom’s car and lied about it
  • Mitch ratted out Adam for selling pot- sending him to JAIL briefly.
  • Blaire (who is dating MITCH) fucked ADAM (Mitch’s best friend) and ISNT A VIRGIN LIKE SHE CLAIMED!!!!!

I really shouldn’t tell you more- because I actually just spoiled one of the best scenes in the entire movie. But the ride isn’t over at that point my friends, there is still quite a twist ahead for you. I really urge you to watch it, but if you DO you should plan on drinking an entire bottle of wine (or its alcoholic equivalent) over the course of the 85 minutes of screen time you will endure. It makes the movie a lot more enjoyable.

My rating: Go watch it now or else Laura Barns will rise from the dead and force you to stick a hot curling iron down your throat.

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