Requiem For a Dream: How Much Do You Hate Yourself?

In honor of the New Year I am going to make an effort this week to write every day. This week I actually have a good movie to write about and it’s available to stream FOR FREE on Netflix. So you can read my little summary and decide if you’d like to embark on this wild ride of emotions for yourself. (SPOILER ALERT: You won’t.)

Requiem For a Dream is that movie everyone says you should watch once then never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, watch again. I watched it when I was in high school with a few friends and had to miss a month of school due to paralyzing fear of the world. I figured almost 10 years later I was ready for my second go-around. Especially considering I’m a brooding intellectual with the potential to go places, hindered only by my vices which render me useless to the productive world… Just like the people in the movie. WOOOO! PARTY!

Talya came over for a chill movie night at my place and I ambushed her with this option. Since she works in film, Requiem was on her list of movies she needs to watch. But she didn’t know anything about it. I kept it that way, I didn’t give her any warning. I just worked as fast as I could to pull it up before she could change her mind.

Let’s talk about it:

THE SUMMER:

At the beginning of the movie you forget just how much it will mentally destroy you. I remember sitting there and thinking “Oh, this isn’t so bad… Why was I so dramatic about it?” I now laugh at past Katrina’s ignorance.

TACTICS. If they pulled their dick out at the beginning of the movie do you really think you’d keep watching to see that dick shrivel up into a heroin needle infected prune? No, you wouldn’t. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)

Jared Leto is a disgusting human being (in real life) so this role is pretty perfect for him. Heroin, cocaine, pawning his mother’s shitty television for drugs… He’s an all around winner. His beautiful girlfriend Jennifer Connelly is somehow broken enough inside to not only date him but also to indulge in the same vices. They are SUPER addicted.

Let’s make this story even yummier by watching Jared Leto and Marlon Wayans decide it’s a great idea to become drug dealers. Has that idea ever gone poorly for anyone in the history of ever? Nah, it’s usually a good career move. I figured this would make the rest of the movie free of conflict.

On the other main plotline we have Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto’s mom. Holy fucking shit this woman can act. She’s a lonely and desperate mother who lacks purpose in her monotonous life. So she sits and watches infomercials on repeat and tries to Keep Up With the Wrinkly Jones’(my nickname for her equally decrepit female co-tenants whose idea of a good time is sitting in lawn chairs on the sidewalk wearing brightly colored sun hats and sipping moldy lemonade.)

THE FALL:

Now you start to remember why this movie made you seriously consider quitting alcohol and sleeping with the lights on for three weeks. Fun little film technique used here- The Fall refers to both the season AND the downfall of the main characters. HEHHEEHEH I BET YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT SINCE YOU DIDN’T SPEND A BILLION DOLLARS ON FILM SCHOOL.

Ellen Burstyn is taking diet pills because she wants to fit into the red dress she wore to Harry’s (Jared Leto’s) graduation. For what reason? She got a phone call saying she was set to appear on television (the same type of phone call you get informing you that you’ve won an all expense paid cruise.) She latches onto this promise and it becomes her only reason for living. She builds up a tolerance to these “diet pills” which are actually a series of amphetamines and sedatives. WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT MAYBE I’LL TRY IT? Well once you build up a tolerance to a drug, the best thing to do is double and triple the original dosage. So she does exactly that and goes batshit insane. We’re talking Knife Wielding Hollywood Homeless level nutso.

Drug Dealing goes GREAT for the aspiring Drug Dealers- there’s a massive shootout involving a deaf guy doing shady sign language in a limo. Then another massive shootout when they try to find new drug suppliers. The market runs dry, Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly get desperate and she has to start selling her body. Jared Leto decides he’s going to Florida because that’s the best place to reinvigorate your drug drought apparently. Shit starts to get really cute right about now.

THE WINTER:

It is this season that gave me a feeling in my bones that I rarely experience. A feeling I sometimes experience when I’m getting my eyebrows/upper lip threaded by a particularly aggressive threader and the pain becomes too much to handle. A feeling that you can only address by squirming around in your seat, asking yourself if you might just need to pee, then releasing tears. You’re not really crying, but your entire body hates you and wants whatever is happening to end as soon as possible or it may unleash the contents of your bladder and bowels with a vengeance. Since this is the climax of the movie I don’t want to ruin it for you, but I will give you a little list to clue you into what you can expect:

  • “Ass to ass” (this is one of the most famous quotes of the movie.)
  • Decaying arm
  • Evil refrigerator
  • A mental breakdown in the subway
  • Prison mayhem
  • Liquid nutrition shoved down a throat + electric shock therapy.
  • An absolutely massive dildo

Maybe nothing on that list rattles you, and if that’s the case…  Still go watch this movie when you have a few spare hours. It’s free on Netflix and I promise you will leave the viewing feeling SOMETHING. (And if you’re dead inside like me, feeling ANY emotion is better than your constant state of numbness and stagnation.)

Personal Lessons I learned From Requiem For a Dream:  

  • Damn, that theme music is cool. It sounds kind of like the Saw theme.
  • While I may be a complete piece of shit on many occasions, thank fucking god I’m not a heroin addict.
  • Selling your body is as alien and terrifying as it sounds, and is also quite a reflection on the buyer.
  • Never take your relationship with your parents for granted. Holy hell, Mom, I promise I’ll never steal your TV for drug money, especially if we’re at the point where you chain it to the wall. And I’m going to try to call more often, please just don’t get eaten by the refrigerator.
  • Don’t let your mother take diet pills, especially if they’re meth.
  • The second your arm starts turning a strange color… see a doctor for the love of god. I don’t care if you’re gonna get nailed for whatever made your arm turn that color, would you rather have your flesh fall off in MASSIVE BLACK PIECES?
  • You and your friends should all have something in common, but please don’t let it be your shared love for illicit and highly addictive drugs.
  • Same goes for your romantic relationship ^^^
  • New Jersey is scary.
  • If you want to drive to Florida from New Jersey make sure both of your arms are in liveable condition. (Same goes for all other extremities tbh.)
  • If your ticket to fame and fortune involves selling drugs, you’ll probably fit in nicely in Los Angeles with all the other failed actors,writers, directors, models… etc.
  • Don’t do drugs.
  • Drugs are bad, if you do them you will die an early death.
  • Everything they taught you in D.A.R.E was true.
  • If I could go back to 4th grade and rewrite my D.A.R.E speech I would just cite Requiem For a Dream in every other paragraph and if I didn’t get selected to read my speech at the special presentation night, that shit’s rigged. Although, even if I had been chosen my face would have turned really red, I would have cried, and everyone would have felt sorry for me. So let’s just leave history as it lay and let my shitty speech rest in peace.

Safe travels ya band of misfits! I just added a bunch of fun stuff to my Netflix list and I am still going to sit for an hour or so deciding what to watch. But once I do pick something to watch, you can bet I’ll write it up on here.

I’m open to suggestions, if there is something that looks intriguing but probably too shitty to actually sit down and watch… Pass it along to me. I’ve got nothing better to do with my life than stay awake into the early hours of the morning watching television with a blanket pulled over my head, taking a pint of ice cream straight to the face. 

fridge

(You may think it’s just a normal refrigerator, but you’d be wrong if you thought that. It’s not a normal refrigerator… Trust me, it’s very far from it. Don’t let it deceive you.)

Interstellar: Matthew Mcconaughey Trapped in a Bookcase

Gonna throw it out there and let everyone know that I already deleted Tinder… not just the app, my account on Tinder is completely gone. Because the only three guys I bothered talking to past the initial stage of “Sup?” all turned out to be so disappointing that I am tempted to leave this city and burn it to the ground behind me (we’re in a drought, it’s totally feasible.) Seriously, if I get one more guy who seems normal then has a fucked up Instagram page (full of stupid hashtags) where I find out his non-ironic nickname includes a DOLLAR SIGN… I’ll lose my mind. 

 From now on, if you want to ask me out you have to call my parents landline and get my mom’s permission or come to my apartment and throw rocks at my window until it shatters and I call the cops. I’m putting on a concrete adult diaper and locking up my private parts for the fall season motherfuckers. 

Anyway, last night Beaver and I watched the first hour of Interstellar (we got too tired to keep going, so tonight we will continue while we feast on a Costco $5 rotisserie chicken with our bare hands.) This is the second time watching, the first time was in theaters where I  was kind of giddy/aroused and simultaneously overwhelmed by how fucked up da universe is.

If you haven’t seen the movie, please stop reading now or else you’re going to yell at me for spoiling it and this (right here) is the minimal extent that I care about your personal needs. The main point I need to get across to you, reader, is that Matthew Mcconaughey is the ghost trapped in the book shelf. It is HIM trapped in the bookshelf in another dimension, and if that doesn’t blow your mind I don’t know what will. Matthew Mcconaughey in space.

He is trying to communicate with his brilliant daughter (for once they give the female child the brains and the male child the ability to become a “great farmer”) to tell her to make sure he doesn’t go on the doomed population bomb mission into wormhole land. He’s trying to say “Murph- THEY WANT TO PUT HUMAN EGGS ON ANOTHER PLANET AND FORCE LADIES TO CARRY BABIES AS SURROGATES AND RESTART HUMANITY IN A PLACE THAT ISN’T FILLED WITH EXPLOSIVE DIRT STORMS AND MEDIOCRE CROP HARVESTING.” But he’s trying to say all of that through a book shelf where words cannot be exchanged, so as you can imagine, this movie is RIPE with conflict.

The creepy plastic bag guy from American Beauty + short haired Anne Hathaway will try to convince you that there is a plan A where we shuttle the people of Earth over to the wormhole… But realistically in what the fuck fantasyland are you living where you think the people in leadership on our planet would go to that trouble? They’re gonna ship the eggs + the most fertile women and force them to carry countless stranger fetuses in their womb so that diversity exists again. And then, you know, everyone will live normally on this new planet and forget the whole Earth thing ever happened?

It has been so long since I saw the rest of this movie that I forgot mostly everything in the plot except for Matt Damon rising from the dead on his own planet and trying to kill everyone. I really don’t even remember exactly WHAT Matthew is trying to communicate from inside the bookshelf. I just know it’s him, he’s in there and he’s trying to get out of multi-dimensional purgatory. Can you imagine being trapped in a wacky bookshelf that you can’t even fully COMPREHEND for the foreseeable future? I would just float in silence and let the books consume me. You really don’t have another choice… you’re floating in the abyss.

So yeah, when I watch this movie all I think about is how his future self is trapped in the bookcase and desperately trying to get his past self’s attention so that he can save his own existence. Wrap your brain around that! Seriously… How many people could successfully convince their past self of a life altering decision just by punching some books in the formation of binary code or whatever.

I’ll pose this question to you- what would YOU do if you were trapped in a bookcase?

 

images-1.jpgYeah that’s YOU in there!!!

Things I Hate Almost as Much as Finding Dory

I know that it’s Thursday and technically this post should fall under Talk Shit Tuesday. But I’m going to do what I have done a few times before, and pretend that I’m posting this on the correct day and wait until someone calls me out for it. First person to call me out gets a slap on the face, a slap so hard that I’ll leave red finger marks across your cheek AND you’ll have to get your face removed.

No other introduction needed, here’s a list of things I hate. Things I hate almost as much as Finding Dory. And guess what? I’ll even tell you why I hate Finding Dory so much, but I’ll leave it for the grand finale.

  1. When people text me asking for a “HUGE FAVOR” then when I respond asking what it is, they don’t reply. Then I’m sitting there annoyingly curious what the favor was and why they suddenly don’t want ME to do it for them. Did they find someone better? Were they annoyed by my eagerness? JUST FUCKING TELL ME!
  2. A coworker comes to ask me questions while I’m very obviously in the middle of eating raw spinach. I might be able to forgive this when I’m eating other things, but you make me look like an idiot when I’m crunching on leaves like a fucking dinosaur and you stand there expectingly. At least this is slightly better than when my old boss used to purposefully wait until I started eating my own lunch to ask me to drive to get hers.
  3. I cut my nails too short now I’m in pain whenever I do anything. This is happening right now and it hurts to type.
  4. Someone tells me a story of something stupid I did. Seems like maybe they forgot it’s about me, and I’m super aware of it. And I don’t feel like awkwardly laughing along with them as they make me look like an ass clown.
  5. I don’t like it when people in my car don’t laugh sufficiently when I call other drivers “dick butts” on the road.
  6. I HATE that I have to be CPR certified in order to teach a kickboxing class. I really want to teach kickboxing to middle aged women and I’m super upset that I can’t bring that joy to both my life and their lives. I would totally teach them a sweet routine to Tik Tok by Ke$ha (I know she’s Kesha now)
  7. When a skirt is slightly too short and you have to pull it down with every single step you take because otherwise your vagina will flash to the planet earth.
  8. When I’m so tired that it’s really hard for me to breathe, and even harder for me to remind myself not to think about breathing because then I’ll just start obsessing over how difficult it is to breathe and then I’ll freak out like I am right now because I just wrote this.
  9. Street cleaning. In Los Angeles. Why? Why do you even pretend you’re cleaning anything? You’re just driving around with a giant toothbrush and forcing us to move our cars because you want to give us tickets. You fucking assholes. Nothing is getting cleaned.
  10. When someone drops something and you go to pick it up for them, but realize it’s way closer to them so they’re going to get it themselves and now you’re just crouched on the ground awkwardly and have to do a little dance to pretend you meant to be there.
  11. When someone tells me “You know nothing Jon Snow!” you’re not clever for using a Game of Thrones quote. In fact, I’m sure a million people say that line per day and think they’re just as clever as you, and are also wrong.
  12. I love when coworkers come up to me and ask me if I got their email. My question for them is, “Did you get a notification that the email didn’t send?” And if they say “No”  I tell them “Then yes, I got your email.” Nah, I don’t say that. But seriously, why do you need to ask me that? I obviously got your stupid email and I’ll handle it when it becomes important to me.
  13. I forget I’m wearing makeup and I rub my eyes like a sleepy old man then subsequently look like I’ve been crying and listening to “I’m Not Okay” by My Chemical Romance on repeat.
  14. My fingernails seriously hurt.
  15. The office is so cold that I have to drink tea to stay warm, meanwhile it’s like 103 degrees outside in this valley of hell.
  16. When old people get offended when you use the term “old” to describe something. Especially something that they frequently use. We get it, aging sucks and it makes everyone hypersensitive about their wrinkles.
  17. Gimmicky YouTube videos… like “How to Have Casual Sex as Explained By a Tea Party” Like… clearly the point is to get people to click because of ‘casual sex’ but then when we do click it’s a huge disappointment filled with nerdy folk (who probably never have casual sex because they can’t get any) beating around the bush, when honestly I’d LOVE an instructional video…
  18. People who whisper in my ear. Why are you whispering in my ear? It’s really creepy. Unless it’s like… a seductive situation there is no place for ear whispering. Even then, tread lightly because I am skittish and might punch you if I’m startled.
  19. People who want to tell me to do something, but instead of just telling me they casually ask passive questions until I come to the conclusion myself. How about you be direct? How about you just tell me the thing you want instead of making me play a mind puzzle with u?

 

Finding Dory. Finally, over the last few years I felt like people were finally getting over Finding Nemo. I’m not saying I didn’t like Finding Nemo, I really did enjoy it (when I was 11 years old.) But the only quote from it that didn’t become a fucking cliche because of how often people said it was “MIIIINE, MINE MIIIIINE” because those seagulls will never, ever stop being funny. Actually I take that back, that line DID get ruined. Because I’m pretty sure my least favorite coworker from Valley Fair liked to say it when she snatched up cookies in the cafeteria. Like a fucking cookie vacuum, that woman.

I want to stab Dory personally for all of the times over the last 13 years that people have said any of the following things to me:

Anything with “Grumpy Gills” in it. Bonus points if they attempt a “Dory” voice. AKA make themselves sound like a dumb idiot.

“Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming.” Bonus points if they say this when I’m really upset about something and am on the verge of tears.

“I shall call him squishy and he will be my squishy” Bonus points if the person names something stupid, like a pencil grip, ‘Squishy’ then says this line.

Anything with “Whale Speak.” Bonus points if the person does their own version of Dory’s whale speak, and continues to do it even when inevitably no one is laughing.

For the above reasons, and the fact that I hate Ellen Degeneres (and constantly hear horrible things about her as a human being, which justify my hatred), DESPITE my efforts to like her… Finding Dory is my personal nightmare. I truly look forward to the barrage of new quotes that will be cutely thrown my way as a result of this post.

 

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