Women Don’t Hate Porn

Glad I can take a month long hiatus again and come back with a post about pornography. Whatever, I’m taking a break from the shitshow that is the American Political Scene… Can I just pause for a second and ask you to think about the fact that some day our children will be studying this in school? I know that’s a funny prospect in abstract but I’m serious…

I’m picturing my 15 year old self in A.P United States History class. Picturing how maniacally stressed I was memorizing all of the fucking treaties and compromises and edicts and other words/concepts I no longer remember the meaning of. Just imagine that nervous little girl, back in the classroom, with Ms. Clark asking us to write a Document Based Question (DBQ) on Donald Trump’s tweets.

“Using President Trump’s tweets, please analyze and dissect exactly which monumental events led to the outbreak of World War III.”

Seriously it sounds like I’m kidding, but this is actual history in the making and we are part of it. This could ACTUALLY be a legitimate historical question. We are the generation who elected Donald Trump into office and watched him unintentionally lambast himself using a social media platform frequented by 11-year-old fangirls. Adorable. So proud that we have a democratic system of checks and balances, really couldn’t be happier with America.

Speaking of America. I watched the first episode of a Netflix docu-series last night called Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On. It sounds sexy, and it sort of is…I highly recommend it so far. The first episode made some interesting points about the current state of pornography. The idea that women “hate porn” is a misrepresentation of how we actually view it. We don’t hate pornography; we hate the way pornography depicts sex.

I remember the moment in my life where I realized it wasn’t an “if” but rather a “how” when referring to a man’s porn consumption. Sure- there are outliers but for the most part every single man you look at either IS or WAS a regular consumer of pornography. That used to bother me back when I was young and naive and thought love was enough to make a man never want to look at another female specimen for the rest of his life… but at this point you HAVE TO realize that the moment a boy hits puberty, porn becomes a necessary ‘evil.’ Pornography is sadly our biggest form of modern sexual education.

This wouldn’t be much of an issue if average pornography gave a realistic depiction of a sexual relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn’t.

I’ve never actually sat through more than 3 to 5 minutes of pornography because it makes me physically ill. This is coming from a girl who regularly watches the Saw series and purposefully pours over Reddit lists about the “most disturbing movies EVER.” Nothing has ever irked me quite the way pornography does.

Why?

Because sex should be mutually enjoyable. Does ANY widely consumed pornography show sex that is enjoyable for women?

“But she’s moaning and screaming like she loves it?! Maybe YOU just don’t enjoy sex.” Some white, upper middle class, romper-wearing, frat bro with a wallet full of magnums he will never use or fill, might tell me.

Female porn stars are satisfying common male desire. They’re nothing more than objects in a twisted “domination” fantasy. They’re props to make a man feel like a king. It’s not anyone’s fault (I won’t go there), that’s just the type of material we’ve conditioned men to enjoy from age 13 onward. And as they get older, maybe that’s not always enough. Maybe they start watching aggressive shit like forced blowjobs and “swirlies.” The double edged sword of the Internet: For every weird fetish there’s a porno out there. For better or worse. 

Can you imagine walking into a sexual situation with a woman having viewed porn like that your entire life? (Maybe you don’t even have to imagine it, maybe it has happened to you.) How exactly are you viewing this naked woman you’re suddenly across from? Is she a person? Or is she your ticket to acting out your own version of what you’ve watched for years?

Maybe you’ll tell me “That’s different! Porn is one thing, sex is another!”

Well that woman in the porno you’re watching is no different from me. Except she’s getting miserably railed by some 40-year-old failed actor who took too much viagra. She’s worried about pretending to enjoy it and pretending to actually get off from it. She’s sick of getting her hair pulled and her face slapped. But she stopped caring about all that shit a long time ago and is just doing her job.

Women wouldn’t take issue with porn if it made us look like something other than robots designed to fulfill male desire. We wouldn’t take issue with it if it didn’t make us want to throw up after 3 minutes of watching it. We’d maybe enjoy it if it showed any semblance of our ideal sexual encounter. But since WE are not the customer, WE are not relevant. We are constantly getting the message that we do not matter.

Do you think you might be annoyed by that too?

 

390181104c154f668db52597991688bf.jpeg

Here’s this to lighten the mood.

How to Drink Without Getting Fat

Based on my last post, you probably deduced that I am trying to shed a few unwanted LBz. I have a ladies trip to Vegas for Memorial Day weekend. Nuff Said. Well my gift to you this Thirsty Thursday is a few tips on how to make sure you can still have fun and party it up without ruining your fatness goals.

Please note that while I am doling out this advice it does not mean that I am following any of it. I just figured maybe if I pay it forward Haley Joe Osment might show up at my door and let me know that I done somethin right for once in my life. Here’s my advice, obviously what you came here for:

Beer and Cider- not your best option…Duh: 

Cider has single-handedly been my personal downfall. Sure, one bottle to start off your night isn’t going to kill your gainz… But when you’re finishing a six pack more than once in a weekend the calories get REAL. Same goes for beer, unless you drink the Michelob piss stuff that hardly has any alcohol in it. First step in trying to turn those gains around is to put a limit on your beer/cider intake in a given weekend. Not eliminate it- but limit it.

Hard liquor- unfortunately your best option: 

Spirits are naturally lower calorie and higher alcohol concentration, so they get the job done with minimal fatness. No, I’m not suggesting that you start slamming shots of vodka (unless you feel like a throwback to freshman year of college.) I’m also not suggesting that you order Whiskey-Cokes or other shit that actually tastes good. You gotta find a drink that you don’t really like the taste of, that has minimal calories. Mine is the classic Vodka Soda, although I don’t mind the taste of it at all anymore. Be careful though, you are gonna need to slow your ass down a lot compared to your beer/cider pace.

giphy (22)

I don’t even know who she is ^

Order your drinks “tall”: 

If you order a tall, it is not the same thing as a “double” unless your bartender is an incompetent piece of shit (it happened to me a couple times.) A tall basically just gives you a bigger glass with the same amount of alcohol as you’d have in the smaller glass. This is very convenient so that you don’t finish your drink in one gulp and end up on the floor of the bar crying about your past relationships. Seriously, they load those tiny glasses with so much ice that you get about one or two sips of drink before it’s gone. A tall drink allows you to drink slower and be social for longer.

Say no to taco trucks and otherwise horrible drunk decisions: 

Most of the fatness for me comes from my drunk pizza ordering habit. Your drunk mind is going to trick you every single time… You will be like “Ah pizza sounds so good right now, but I shouldn’t.” Then your drunk mind will perk up and say “Eh it’s fine, you can have pizza! Who cares? You don’t care! You’re the cool pizza kid!” Then you get an odd sense of confidence as you order the pizza and cheesy bread. The regret only sets in once you’ve finished far more than you planned on eating and then STILL have leftovers to face when you’re sober. I have no advice on how to fix this because I am currently working on it myself. GOOD LUCK KIDS!

giphy (23)

Bring your own alcohol to the pregame: 

If you don’t plan ahead you’re gonna be stuck drinking whatever the masses decide for you. I’m a loser and I bring my own alcohol as well as my own crystal light squirt flavoring bottle so that I can just put water in a cup and turn it into zero calorie juice to mask the horrible burning sensation of cheap vodka. If you really want to work on your fatness, these are the embarrassing things you have to do for yourself.

This is just a little taste of my sad techniques for drinking but not hating myself. Wait, actually I always DO still hate myself post-drinking but at least if I follow these guidelines I don’t have to encounter the sad reminder that is the Monday when none of my pants fit. Also, let me tag on a disclaimer to this whole article and the one before it… I don’t think I’m fat. I’m totally fine, if I actually had self confidence/ self esteem issues at the moment I wouldn’t be writing about it. I would be sulking in a corner. I’m just trying to help all of you get properly White Boy Wasted.

giphy (24)

GET OVER HERE

Becoming a Beer Drinker

I used to not drink beer because it made my stomach inflate “is that a basketball under there?” pregnant woman style and then i’d turn into that annoying girl who complained about how bloated she felt all night long. Also beer tastes like urine.

No I am not butt cured, but I am in a very effective stage of denial. Turns out the medication I am taking to treat other schtifff actually MASKS the symptoms of Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. Just in case you don’t understand what that means (you’re an idiot) I’ll explain a bit more: I am not cured, I still have some mystery disease that requires expensive testing to determine conclusive treatment. Since I’m unemployed, I’d rather just do the bare minimum to stay alive.

The point is, kids, Bigfatrina is officially back to play. Bring on the pizza and buffalo wingzzzzz. And alcoholic pee drank!

giphy (15).gif

Beer though. I am going through the phase most of you went through in college. The light beer phase. You don’t like the taste of it, but you want to fit in so you power through it. Here are my reviews of the beers I’ve dealt with so far:

Bud Light: The piss taste is strong, but it’s light enough that I can cringe my way through it and even smile a creepy smile occasionally. I lost a round of Kings and this was the first can of beer I ever chugged. I cried at the end of it. I cried tears of shitty beer. Would never choose this willingly but would also absolutely not judge someone if they offered it to me. Because I’m Up For Whatever hehheehehheehehehehehehehehhhhhhehehhgehehehehehehehehehehhhhhhheeheheh

hehhhhheh.jpg

PBR: I got this one ON TAP at a comedy club. Because it was the cheapest thing they had and I wanted to laugh away my sorrows with the help of liquid courage. Piss taste strong, also a distinct hint of cigarette ashes from the pipe of a mustached hipster. Is that still a thing? Hipsters drinking PBR? Anyone? Please answer me… Please… I’m so lonely.

I remember when David asked me to drink some of his PBR tallboy at The Satellite back in the day and I took a tiny insulted sip and nearly spit it in his face. Those days are over.

PBR

Stone IPA: What the actual fuck did I just drink? I swear this tastes like what I imagine the liquid inside a skunk tastes like before he sprays it to ward off potential predators. After literally every sip I would go “UGGHHHH WHAT THE FUCK MAN?” to the friendly guy who gave me the beer. Eventually he was like “Jesus Christ, give it back to me you asshole…” And then I happily drank a Rolling Rock.

Sprayed by a skunk

Stone IPA Attack

Rolling Rock: I am a fan. It tastes the least like urine of the above. I can’t drink it quickly, but that’s a good thing because beer is a social drink. It forces me to stop and inhale the scents of the forest that I can’t smell. I appreciate Rolling Rock. I would have been a good candidate for a Rolling Rock keg stand. Just kidding, if that ever happened I would barf all over someone’s legs and then the one sober girl in the room would clean it up and resent me for ever.

giphy (16)

Stella: I think Stella was misrepresented to me quite a few times. I was told it was a “classy” beer. So I ordered it at the comedy club to impress Justin. I didn’t get the reaction I wanted, so when we sat down I was like “hey… you know… I’m drinking Stella.” And he shook his head as he took a pull from his dark bottle of Alaskan Amber “Stella is shitty, it’s fake fancy so that people can feel good about drinking light beer.” Umm… Okay… This was actually my favorite beer that I tried? And now you’re undermining my ability because I can’t keep up with you and my Dad and your Dogfish Head bullshit? Whatever man, I can slam whiskey better than you.

stella hat

Continue reading

Craft Cider up in Here

I didn’t let myself drink cider for many years because Angry Orchard gave me such bad heartburn one time that I swear I almost called one of those infomercial hotlines for The Scooter Store just so I could make my way down to CVS for some PILLS. Also Angry Orchard tastes like spicy stomach vile that you burp up after a big plate of Mexican food.

For those of you who know me extremely well, you’ll remember that I grew up drinking apple juice almost exclusively. I called it “Appy Bubby” and had special sippy cups that my mom continually filled with juice because I never ever stopped drinking it. This carried on into elementary school when I graduated from sippy cups to juice boxes. My brothers still called it “Appy Bubby” when I drank it because they were dickheads.

For reference, I’d down one of these suckers all by myself in 5 days or less.

Motts

So as an alcohol consuming A-DULT (say the A like you would in asshole) cider was such an obvious move for me to make. In the years 2011 to 2014 I was pretty terrified of calories so this wasn’t an actual option for me, plus after all the Angry Orchard experiences I was sure it all tasted like barf.

In 2015 I gave in and tried Crispin off the recommendation from my brother Kyle. I gotta say, once I got used to the carbonation it brought me back to my glory days. The days where I would poop my pants while I played with stamps in the kitchen at our house in South Carolina, the days where I’d cry when my family wanted to eat somewhere fancy that didn’t have chicken tenders, the days where I didn’t wash my hair very often because I didn’t know it smelled so bad.

Friends, I’d like to introduce you to some of my favorite ciders so that you can live in the glory days with me. Some of them you can find across the nation, others you can definitely find anywhere on the west coast. I’ll make note, just take a looksie and if you’re feeling frisky go give them a try!

1.) ACE Pear Cider

ace-perry-cider-6-pack

You can’t really go wrong with the ACE brand, unless you hate pineapples as much as me in which case I’d stay away from the Pineapple flavor. I am not a huge fan of pears in real life but for ACE it makes the cider drier and less of a sugar overload. Shit’s all natural and it tastes like it. This one is carried pretty frequently at liquor stores and grocery stores in Los Angeles, I never have a hard time finding it. You can also find it at a lot of bars, occasionally on tap which makes me tingle inside.

2.) Samuel Smith’s Organic Cider

Cider

I hate that organic is in the name, because shhh! We know, you can shut up about it. This is pretty crisp stuff at a decent price (unless you buy it from Whole Foods.) You can buy it in big bottles for cheap at Trader Joe’s. What I like about this cider is that it’s deep and heavy enough that you want to drink it slowly to savor it. The apple flavor isn’t too sweet (pattern, I hate overly sweet cider) and you still get that glory days taste. It’s imported from the UK but I’m fairly certain you can find it all over the U.S.

3.) Loon Juice 

Loon Juice

Okay, I’m not gonna lie, a lot of this has to do with the title. I’ve only ever seen this in Minnesota (obviously) but I loved it. My favorite thing about it is how socially acceptable it is to drink because it’s called Loon Juice. If you show up with a personal 12-pack of Loon Juice no one is gonna make fun of you because how could you? Also it’s really awesome to me that they come in 12-packs. Taste wise it’s pretty standard and the can aspect of it makes it a good time. I like Loon Juice when I’m trying to get wild back home, because it’s slammable and cooler than anything anyone else is drinking.

4.) Crispin Brut

crisp brut

I sound like a douche with this one but I can’t find it anywhere. I got it at Total Wine in Minnesota and it was perfect. It’s barely a cider, it’s so dry that it tastes like champagne. I love champagne. This is my favorite style of Crispin because I’ve never found a cider that comes close to the unique taste. You get a hint of apple but you’re mostly just popping champagne from a bottle and feeling like a boss doing so. Apparently you’re supposed to serve it over ice, but I’ve never done that. If anyone finds this shit in Los Angeles hit a bitch up ASAP.

5.) Austin Eastciders 

Austin Cider

I might be biased with this one, because the first time I ever drank it was at a BYOB mini-golf course in Austin and I associate it with that awesome memory. But it also tastes amazing like all of the others. Austin knows how to do pretty much everything correctly, cider being on the top of my list. It comes in tall boys so you can feel like a real beer drinker (sometimes you just wanna be liked, you know?) If you’re gonna pair this one with anything, I suggest pairing it with BYOB mini golf or day drinking.

So those are five of my favorites just off the top of my head. I have tons more, and will continue to try any new one I see that doesn’t look like a descendant of Angry Orchard bile. There are several other shitty brands disguised as good shit, I’ll save that inflammatory post for another day.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have about cider, I get about as excited about cider as my dad gets about craft beer and fishing (very, very, excited.) I wanted to put this one cider I got in Nevada on the list because it had little trolls or gnomes all over the packaging but I couldn’t find it anywhere and can’t remember any other details. If someone has leads on the troll cider, please let me know ASAP.