Nick and Vanessa: I’m Sorry, But I Need to Tear You a New One.

I was going to attempt a movie review today- but instead I’m going to focus on a newly formed “couple” who got a lot of buzz a week or so ago, but I’m still clinging to this material because I watched the finale on Sunday. I live under the false assumption that everyone who watches the Bachelor realizes just how fake it is. The more I pry my head out of my own “Unscripted Television” ass, the more I realize that many people don’t comprehend just how far from “reality” this Garbage Island of a show is. Taking this moment to formally compare The Bachelor to the Dumpsite in the Pacific that apparently is the size of Texas. Click here for more information

People say subtle things like:

“You could totally tell Nick loved Vanessa all along.”

“I think he has WAY stronger feelings for Raven!”

“Nick finally found love!”

I’m going to give my thoughts on the absurdity of the above exclamations, but I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of the mind-fuckery at play in this series. Full disclosure- I had preworkout again this morning for the first time in a while and my brain is all over the nuts and who knows where that will take us. Go ahead and hop aboard the Magic School Bus! We’re taking a dive into the Digestive System!!!!

Side note: If you aren’t following me on Snapchat, feel free to scoot on over and gimme an add. I did a tutorial of how to unclog a swampy-ass drain last night and I’ve gotten some good feedback on it. I’m going to continue posting tutorials on the daily for as long as I can think of good ones. So there’s my shameless plug- go check out my Snapchat story!

 

Let me preface this entire analysis with one key piece of wisdom that you must grasp…

 

Virtually NONE of the Contestants Are On the Show to “Find Love”

Big Beak aka Chris Harrison constantly uses this language for a reason- it has a hypnotic effect both on the viewer and on the contestants. The more you are primed with this concept the more your brain starts to contextualize what it’s seeing. I’m not gonna cite any resources because, fuck that- you’re reading my opinion not the DSM-IV. Also, every aspect of this show is produced like a soap opera. It’s undeniably fairytale-like for the majority of the episodes. (Barring the ones where they shovel livestock turds on a farm in Wisco… SIDE NOTE: My uncle knows the farmer who they filmed that episode on…If that’s not the most Midwestern thing you’ve ever heard me say…) Can’t fault them- they make the show look beautiful.

All of that being said- this is the highest rated show on ABC, one of the “Big 5” networks. The audience remains consistent and the rating is steady year after year- even competing with live athletic events on occasion. There are millions of eyeballs on this shitstorm, that’s pretty fucking impressive considering we’re experiencing the downfall of the network system as we know it.

A contestant’s reason for coming on the show may vary, but generally it has little to do with them having a realistic expectation of falling in love with the lead. Typical reasons?

  • Exposure: Especially important for small business owners (think personal trainers, salon owners, boutique owners, vague ‘entrepreneurs’ and aspiring dolphin trainers.)
  • Fame: Goes hand in hand with the first one- a lot of these people think they have that “it” factor to become a model or actress. Too bad most of them will fail. Too bad none of us really have that “it” factor and it’s all a matter of luck, timing, and whose bum you can tickle in Hollywood. (Am I bitter? I might be.)
  • Instagram Whoring: They see other former contestants do it, they want in. Some of these contestants get a fuckload of followers and therefore get paid to promote trash products on their social media pages. Yum. I wanna sell me some subscription vegan meal delivery services using photos of me frolicking in a corn field! #TrueCornVegan
  • Travel: Of all the reasons, this one makes the most sense to me. Free vacation all over the world staying in luxury hotels? Sign me up. Except for the whole dating the same guy as 45 other women thing. Sounds like a bad night at the Harvard Finals Clubs.

 

With that in mind, let’s talk about Nick and Vanessa. I’ll start with Nick.

 

Nick Viall, 36 (I think?): His last name is Viall for Christ sake… He’s about the most disgusting human being who has ever slugged his slimy body across your TV screen. And can we just remind ourselves for a second: This is his FOURTH time appearing on the franchise? They’re spinning the whole “Poor Nick can’t find love!” narrative when he’s actually the one who rejected someone in Paradise so that he could be the Bachelor. COOL NICK. With what authority do YOU get to reject people in paradise?

I also don’t really get the appeal of a 36 year old former blue-collar software salesman from Waukesha Wisconsin…(Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick’s resume included a late 20’s prolonged managerial stint at the Radio Shack at Fox River Mall in Appleton.) If he weren’t specially groomed for TV and paired frequently next to Chris “Bad Dye Job, Toucan Beak For a Nose” Harrison I think he could pass for a tiny-dicked (may be true) neckbeard locked away in his dark Wisconsin basement making sexually repressed and hateful remarks about women on r/redpill.

Just my two-cents. The guy has been on the show four times for no reason other than to be famous… He is taking acting lessons. He is going to be on Dancing With the (Well at Least They Tried Their Best and ALMOST Made It) “Stars.” If he has anything to do with it, he will not be leaving your screens anytime soon. In fact, Nick wants to move into your living room so you can stare at him all day every day and tell him how pretty he is. Just like my fatass cat Max used to do when we watched the Price is Right. Except at least Max KNEW he was only there for us to laugh at during commercial breaks.

Vanessa Grimaldi, 29: I really don’t know what to tell you about her. I think she lives on a different planet than the rest of us. She doesn’t seem like the type to seek fame after this, but she does seem like the type who came on the Bachelor to “win” the Bachelor. I think she might have gotten suckered into applying by friends and family who truly believe the show is real… Then when she arrived it became real.

Vanessa seems easily manipulated and highly suggestible, due to some extreme insecurity. She was the classic contestant who doesn’t seem to remember what she signed up for. She was aware other girls existed but in denial that any of them “formed meaningful connections” with Nick. But the reality was that NONE of them formed “meaningful connections.” They formed artificial ones, and for whatever reason… Hers lasted longest.

I usually skip the finale of every season because I read spoilers and by that point I’m bored by everything happening in the unbearably long final episode… But because the After the Final Rose was so controversial (and hilarious) this year I decided to watch the entire finale.

I think the hardest pill for everyone to swallow while watching the show, is how genuine the two people sound as they’re exchanging words at the…. Pulpit? (Like honestly what do you call the weird room where he proposes?) I had a very hard time watching Nick say all of the shit he said to Vanessa, knowing approximately none of it was real.

I think in that moment those two probably felt a lot for each other, but not because they’re in love… Probably for some of, if not ALL of the below reasons:

  • They’re sexually attracted to each other
  • They just shared extravagant experiences together in a foreign country
  • They’re constantly being primed by producers to believe that they’re falling in love (Vanessa more so than Nick, he’s a seasoned veteran at this point and has lost the ability to feel emotions)
  • There are literally cameras all around them…I imagine it feels similar to performing on stage.
  • Both of them are wearing clothes they could never afford in real life (3 years of Nick’s Radio Shack salary couldn’t have afforded him that snazzy tux) and have probably had their makeup done professionally (I’m fully convinced Nick demands extensive contouring and expert-level beard grooming before any appearance in public.)  They look about as attractive as they possibly could ever look, they only have downhill ahead.

Not only do all of these things cause heightened emotions… They also create a scenario that is entirely unrealistic. When you strip all of those things away, and it’s just Vanessa and Nick sitting next to each other on a couch and no one is talking about them… What do you have? Two people who are stubborn, overconfident (to the point of cockiness), fame-hungry, superficial… And bored. The sex was probably fun for a month or two, but from what I’ve heard… Nick has a voracious appetite and even at 36 does not plan on settling down anytime soon. Use it or lose it am I rite Nicky-Boiiii? Nah, he will be like Hugh Hefner and keep on rockin till the day he don’t wake up.

The success of Nick and Vanessa has very little to do with Nick and Vanessa as people. It has everything to do with going on a television show, “dating” someone for 6 weeks and spending about a total of 24 quality hours with them TOPS and then deciding to get engaged with the intention of having a highly publicized wedding. If I can’t even get a dude who I hand select from Bumble to stick around for more than a month, how the fuck does any woman expect a slimy Nick Viall to marry her and stay faithful/devoted/speak real words to her?

The answer, kids… Don’t go on The Bachelor if you’re looking 4 love. In fact, avoid Los Angeles in general if you’re looking for it.

-Seacrest Out!

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(Lovers in the moooooonlight)