A Comforting Exchange (I’m Listening to Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield rn I can’t lie.)

It’s nice to start off my day in a not shitty way, even if my definition of “not shitty” still includes me waking up in a cold sweat after having an unsatisfying sexual dream about former Bachelor lead Chris Soules. A dream that came at the end of a series of highly disturbing dreams, I might add. One of them my brother Kyle had an evil twin who was trying to slit his throat while Kyle played video games. The hard part was that I couldn’t tell which Kyle was Evil Kyle so I just watched. For more information on my fucked up dreams- shoot me a text. I’ll happily make you uncomfortable.

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(Definitely never going to be able to think of him the same way)

Full disclosure, I’m trying to teach myself how to properly wear makeup on a daily basis. When I say that, I specifically mean I’m trying to learn how to contour. Before you laugh, please realize that shit is highly complicated and the reason a lot of people look ridiculous when they attempt it is because it’s an artform. I honestly don’t think I’m doing it right yet, but I’ve covered up most of the failed effort using “bronzer powder” which just makes my skin smooth and sparkly like a Twilight-era vampire.

I had an extra half hour to do my facial reconstruction today, and since I don’t have a functional hairdryer I’m working with the “wet rat” base look. I went ham at TJ Maxx last week and bought a few contouring kits as well as bronzing powder, a blending sponge, and lipstick. Yes, lipstick. I have a lot to say about lipstick, we can talk about it later. Maybe on another post.

One of my contouring kits specifically outlines on the box exactly where to put each color and even includes a diagram. I have been strictly following this as if it were a bible, and to be honest I question its credibility as a few times I’ve just looked like a tribal warrior at the end of it. No doubt, I’m still missing a few steps (primer, tinted moisturizer, setting spray… etc) but I am in the process of learning and that’s what counts, right? I’m trying and eager as ever. About as eager as I am to finish off the remnants of whatever appetizer is on the dinner table in a large group, because I guarantee I didn’t get nearly enough of it.

Anyway. I showed up to work today with my experimental makeup look on, and immediately felt insecure. Not only because I don’t typically wear a lot of makeup, but also because I have no idea if I look ridiculous in this lighting as compared to the dim sea cave I call home. I realize that half the battle with feeling confident is appearing confident, but it’s hard to do that when there’s a serious possibility you look like you have dirt/soil/excrement smeared on your face.

I went up to order eggs and bacon in the staff cafeteria and immediately when I approached the chef, I got insecure. I was certain he was giving me a weird look, as he probably knows me as the weird girl who always asks for an extra egg and seems ashamed about it. (It’s true, I do emotionally need that extra egg and it pains me to make it known.) In my mind, he noticed in a bad way, and I was about ready to sprint off to the bathroom and wipe off my fake face.

Quick aside here- I’ll give you a flashback to the first time I ever attempted to wear makeup in sixth grade. All of the other girls were doing it, and I was sick of being called a tomboy (note: I exclusively wore XXL mismatching sweatpants and sweatshirts for the entirety of my sixth grade year, this is fact.) So one day, after my mom left for work I raided her makeup stash (which is very minimalistic I might add- props to you mom… you’re fackin gorgeous!)

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(Above is a good example of what I was working with at this time in my life, please appreciate those jeans for the love of god where did we find those?)

At this stage I really did not know how to wear makeup, I wasn’t even sure what most of it was for. I put mascara on, shockingly correctly. But then I found some dark blue eyeliner that my mom probably bought by accident and discarded. I put that at the back of my eyelids, not the line of them. I outlined the base of my eyeball. And then I probably did another line on the inside of my bottom eyelid. While this terminology may not make sense- trust me, it did not look good. The mascara was passable, but the rest… ooooof.

Immediately when I got into school, Kaitlin Barry, one of the popular girls, asked me what the makeup was for. In a condescending tone. My stomach fell into my colon and I nearly shat out my internal organs. I was insecure and she knew it. When I didn’t answer?

“Katrina… What’s the makeup for?”

Mind you, this girl had makeup caked on in the punk rock Good Charlotte era style that was quickly becoming the new norm. I still couldn’t say anything, because I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself for even trying to be like the rest of the girls. When clearly I’d made myself an “other.”

“Katrina… Are you trying to impress someone?”

I shot up from my desk and ran to the bathroom and started wiping off my face with wet paper towels. I wasn’t crying or anything, I was just humiliated. And honestly I don’t even know if anyone else ever noticed I had it on in the first place. But it felt like the whole class saw and was laughing at me. (Just like the time I accidentally farted audibly during silent reading time.)

I spent the rest of the day asking one of my closest guy friends in paranoia if it was smeared or visible in any way shape or form. We’d pass each other in the hallways and he’d give me a thumbs up to assure me he couldn’t tell. Thank god for dude friends before hormones were a real thing. I somehow survived the day, but definitely had panic diarrhea.

Anyway- with that aside in mind, I was having panic flashbacks this morning. Sure it was 14 years ago and I’ve come a long way in my makeup skills… But I’m still the oversized sweatshirt wearing woman at the end of the day. I’m comfiest when I’m dressed like Stan Kovack, the middle aged real estate worker who cheers on the Phillies and listens to Toto. I like wearing makeup and feeling pretty, but I’m terrified of doing it wrong and looking like a fool.

Moments after I got my bacon and eggs and went to pay for it, I was met by one of the friendly cafe staff members. We frequently banter over my daily kombucha keg cup that legitimately looks like a cup full of beer… She playfully calls me “drunk girl” and has no idea how accurate of an assessment that really is.

“Your makeup looks really good today, did you do something different?” She said casually

I felt a full body sigh of relief and thanked her. “I was just thinking about how I’m afraid I look ridiculous.”

“I know what you mean,” She said “Sometimes when I wear makeup differently I feel like I look like a drag queen.”

It’s funny, because I’ve said that so many times about myself and no one else has ever humored me. We had a quick chat about the downfalls of wearing heels, purses, etc and I walked away feeling 100% better about life.

Not even because I am sure I actually look good, but more because I realize everyone has their insecurities about their femininity. Especially women like me who tend to err on the side of masculine or “tomboy.” It’s not that we don’t have the desire to look pretty, but it definitely doesn’t come naturally to us. For that reason, showing up to work in “experimental” makeup feels about as awkward as wearing a fedora, although far less shameful.

Having another woman’s support, even just something as small as commiserating, meant a lot to me and reminded me we’re all in this together. And we run the world. So for anyone out there who feels weird in their own body today, just know that we’re all feeling a little weird in our own way. If you see someone taking a step outside of the norm, give them a compliment. I like you already for making it this far down in the post, and please know that it means a lot to me.

o7NgowX

The Evolution of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Do you ever lay awake at night thinking about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Because I do. I did last night, I couldn’t sleep because I drank Nick Contino’s Assault Pre Workout before our soccer game at 9:00 pm. Because I wanted to get my pump on, just like The Rock would.

My first memories of The Rock were from when he was a Champion, World Class, WWF/E fighter. He was always alarmingly angry (please appreciate that assonance.) Not Glass Shop Man angry, but truly on the verge of a brain aneurysm from the moment his eyes opened in the chamber he was created in. (I’m talking about the cryogenic chamber he emerged from from another dimension.) Not to say that wasn’t typical of all WWF/E wrestlers, but The Rock was a bit more sinister. Never felt like he was “acting” or “joking.” To this day I don’t think he ever was. I’m gonna be completely honest and admit that I had a WWF N64 game that we played frequently, which The Rock was a character on. And whenever my brothers and I would play the “Who’s your favorite wrestler?” game, The Rock was always mine. And then my brothers always joked that I had a thing for The Rock. Which, was pretty insulting to imply even to an 8-year-old. imgres-2.jpg

(I’m not attracted to men who constantly look like they want to/easily could murder me)

imgres-4.jpg            (Wait, I lied, maybe I am…)

The Rock is considered one of the biggest stars in WWE/F history. If you feel like checking out how many people think so, look at his Wikipedia and read the series of 6 quotes from different “famous” people all pretty much saying “The Rock is the best thing that ever happened to wrestling.” So why is The Rock not wrestling anymore? Why is he gracing us with our presence via BILLBOARDS? Why was I just asked on a DATE to the NEW ROCK MOVIE?

Because The Rock needed to write an Autobiography, a New York Times Best Seller called The Rock Says… (The bar gets lower every year to become a New York Times Best Seller, let’s be real.) At that moment, The Rock discovered he was meant to be an artist after all. He was meant to really PERFORM. To share his inner-Rock musings (probably of the igneous variety-a science joke… someone please tell me this was funny, I failed my rock identification test when I was in eighth grade and I need someone to tell Ms. Hansmeyer that she never should have given up on me) with the world. Let’s explore that…

THE SCORPION KING (2002): The Rock was paid $5.5 million dollars for this titular role. A world record for an actor in his first starring role. Well, boy, was it worth it! This movie got RAVE reviews, a whopping 38% favorable audience review on Rotten Tomatoes with one describing it as “A ridiculous though not entirely unpleasant way to while away ninety-two minutes.” I’m guessing the only reason it wasn’t entirely unpleasant is because… Well…

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That’s just a sight to behold. No wonder it was still a SmAsHiNg BoX oFfIcE SuCceSSSSs.

The Rock is 6’4 and 245 pounds…  Just wanted to pepper that fact in here.

DISNEY CHANNEL GIGS: If you weren’t aware, The Rock appeared on Corey in the House AND Wizards of Waverly Place. I can only imagine what the synopses of these episodes are. “Corey has a rough day being the son of the President’s personal chef, until The Rock shows up and teaches him the nitty gritty of the American political system using only his oiled up pectoral muscles.”

THE TOOTH FAIRY (2010): A horrifying concept. The Rock is the tooth fairy, you know, that dainty little fairy you used to think gave you money for losing body parts when it was really your parents all along? (when they remembered.) He’s going to suffocate you with your pillow while you sleep then steal all the teeth under your pillow and leave NO MONEY. Then he’s going to build a shrine out of your teeth. Right? That’s what this movie was about?

Don’t worry- still a box office hit. But did you ever think this man would star in a movie about the tooth fairy?

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Guys, I can’t slog through the rest of these titles. Let me just show you what I’m working with.

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I don’t have much to say about this other than the fact that I only actually recognize about 5 titles from that list. He easily could have been the face of Kazaam if we had let him. He was probably on the casting shortlist.

But I’m fairly certain every single one of the above listed movies was a commercial “success.”

Do you want to know what The Rock eats in order to be a Rock?

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I could only capture 6 of the 7 meals in a screenshot, but I need you to comprehend the amount of cod we are talking about here. That is 36 oz of cod. Let me see if I can find picture of 36 ounces of cod. I couldn’t find a picture, but I think it’s about this much (see below.) imgres-3.jpg

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a perfect example of what The EnTerTaiNmEnT InDuStrY is becoming. We’re too lazy to create original content because that requires effort and usually very little return on that investment of effort. When I say return on investment, I mean money. And money is truly the only thing we care about in Hollywood.

It’s much easier to take something you KNOW is successful and put a silly hat on it (like The Rock and his fairy wings) and point a camera at it. It makes the money itself and we can just chill and sell merchandise.

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You can disagree with me, but if you do… I expect you to provide an explanation for why Trolls is the hot new flick on the horizon.

Seacrest out!

Which Side of Rock Bottom Are You On?

I’m obsessed with that Hailee Steinfeld song, Rock Bottom. In fact, I’m going to listen to it on loop until I finish this post. So I will probably hate it by the time I’m done if things go according to inevitability. I’m gonna try to help you decide whether or not YOU are on the right side of Rock Bottom.

If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly skimming along the gravel of Rock Bottom, barely avoiding a complete crash. It’s like that episode of Spongebob where they accidentally take the bus down the steep hill and are trapped with creepy-ass bottom dwellers who spit between every word they say. That’s where I live. I’m that one fish with the cool lamp on its head. Alright kids… Time to find out where you stand.

 

1.) Have you ever overdrafted using your debit card on drunk pizza? 

IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. Your priorities are in order, you know the importance of nourishing the drunk soul. You might have to pay a fee at some point, but if you call your bank and explain the situation they will likely be understanding. Because what were you gonna do? Not get drunk pizza?

 

2.) Have you ever thrown up into your mesh baseball hat, forgotten about it, woken up, and found it cleaned in your dish rack? 

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. That’s disgusting.

 

3.) Do you ever go to the bathroom at work and pretend to take a massive shit just to swipe on Tinder and Bumble so that your coworkers don’t see you and judge you? 

IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. You gotta do what you gotta do, not like you’re doing work anyway. The longer you can sit in there without people wondering if you’re okay the RIGHTER side of rock bottom you’re on.

 

4.) Have you spilled a whiskey ginger on your cold leftover fries (during a date) and still decided to keep them and eat them, despite them tasting like absolute shit, because you don’t want to waste them?

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. That’s disgusting. Throw that shit out, they’re gonna be soggy as FUCK.

 

5.) Have you accidentally eaten weed candy, gotten higher than you ever thought possible, and not told anyone because you were afraid you were going to die? 

IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. That’s hilarious and totally something that everyone can relate to. You are probably a stronger/better person for having gone through that experience.

 

6.) Do you keep a spare set of clothing in your car because you never know where you’ll be spending the night since you don’t have a home? 

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. Get a home. No one wants you living on their couch. They say they don’t mind, but they do. They want you out of their apartment. They’d rather throw you out on the streets, they just don’t want that negative karma in their life.

 

7.) Have you ever licked peanut butter off your iPhone screen? 

IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. No one should ever waste peanut butter.

 

8.) Have you ever told a potential employer, in a job interview, that you would kill yourself to work for them? 

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. There’s a reason you never got that job. They probably reported you to a hospital clinic as soon as the interview was over and said “This fucker needs HELP.”

 

9.) Have you ever eaten your lunch at 11:00 am because you need the happiness that food brings you, ASAP?

IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. Food fixes everything. You might need a second lunch. But that’s okay, you deserve it.

 

10.) Do you regularly share YouTube videos and memes on Facebook? 

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. And there might be no saving you. You’re stuck there. You actually might have already been living there. Maybe you can translate their language for the rest of us.

 

11.) Do you consider yourself a member of the “Bey Hive?” 

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. It’s cool if you’re a fan of Beyonce, a lot of people are. But why do you need to be a self proclaimed member of the Bey Hive? Which is essentially, from my understanding, a bunch of teenagers on Instagram who threaten murder on anyone who speaks negatively of Queen Bey… Also please stop calling her Queen Bey.

 

12.) Have you ever burst out sobbing in the middle of the H&M Coachella section over something that happened weeks prior?

IF YES: You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. If there is any good place to cry, it’s the Coachella section at H&M. If for no other reason than the fact that a Coachella section exists in a prominent clothing establishment.

 

13.) Have you ever drunkenly gotten an enormous order of McDonalds, including but not limited to, McMuffins, McGriddles, McNuggets, Snack Wraps, and two large orders of fries for you and your friends, only to go home and eat most of it before they can have any?

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. You should also go to a cardiologist and check to see if there are chicken remnants lodged in your arteries. Also maybe go see a priest and ask for forgiveness and confess to your sins. What you did was unforgivable on so many levels.

 

14.) Have you ever told three people you could hang out with them on the same night, then at the last minute have to cancel with two of them because you spent all day debating who you wanted to hang out with the most?

IF YES: You’re on the wrong side of Rock Bottom. You’re a dick.

 

15.) Have you recently started following a “Falling in Love” playlist on Spotify to listen to in the car, even though that’s the furthest thing from what is currently happening in your life? 

IF YES:  You’re on the right side of Rock Bottom. You’re Katrina Nicholson.

 

This list contains only SOME of the qualifications for visiting Rock Bottom. It is not all inclusive. Some of them happened to me. Some of them happened to people I know. Some of them apply to people I’ve interacted with. Some of them apply to people I hate. Rest assured, if you can relate to anything on this list, you’ve visited Rock Bottom. The challenge is not to EXIT Rock Bottom as fast as possible, it’s to be on the RIGHT side of Rock Bottom.

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The Dreams You Die In

I’m not sure if it’s stress related, but I keep having dreams where I die a violent and painful death. I know it might sound like I’m kidding, but it has happened at least 5 times in the last month. And before that, I don’t think it ever happened to this graphic and vivid extent.

If you’re not a fan of dark, morbid and graphic stories… you might want to just stop right here and go back to whatever you’re supposed to be doing right now. Otherwise… I’m about to show my true colors, enjoy.

DREAM ONE: THE BUS ACCIDENT

I was coming back from a field trip with various people from my life. We’re on an enormous school bus. When I say various people from my life, I mean a truly odd assortment. The dude who stood behind me in line at Davy Wayne’s and is now randomly on my soccer team, my mother, nondescript people from BU, Chris Farley… yeah I don’t know.

Everyone is having a good time, some people even suggest a game of bus truth or dare. Nothing sounds more appealing to me than playing truth or dare with my mom. Truly sounds like something we’d both not hate at all. Anyway, we’re driving in Minnesota in the winter.

We get to a certain point in our drive and there is an enormous soccer goal obstructing the entire road. Rather than stopping the bus and seeing if someone can move it, the bus driver decided to go off-roading on the snowy hill next to the road. This happened to be the same snowy hill from my elementary school growing up.

I quickly realized this was a bad idea and tried to vacate the bus. I somehow got outside the bus and was running alongside just as it struggled through the snow and tipped over on its side. Right on top of me. I was hoping for a surge of adrenaline or something where I could lift the bus, but unfortunately this situation played out pretty realistically.

I laid face down in the snow as the bus slowly crushed me to death. I laid helplessly, hearing the screams of the other passengers. The air deflated from my lungs and my entire body caved in, liquids of all sorts oozed from my body. I heard the sound of that. The last thing I remembered before startling awake next to a beautifully sleeping Talya.

Tipped Bus

DREAM TWO: NATURAL DISASTER

I actually fared a lot better in this one than in the bus accident. I became an icon of the apocalypse. Talya, Alyssa and I were recently talking about how we’re all going to die in the massive Los Angeles earthquake as soon as it happens. Good chat, ladies. I dreamed about it.

I don’t even remember how it started. I just remember being in the midst of chaos and wind and objects flying around. For some reason people looked to me for guidance? I don’t know why… I had the whole Mad Max mechanical arm girl vibe though. I tore up my clothes and was ready to fight the undead. I don’t think I looked Charlize Theron sexy though, I looked more like a dirty mechanic girl with the weird mole on her face who you’d have to put a bag over the head of to have intercourse with. You know? Not saying that’s how I look now, but in this dream there was definitely something more rugged and masculine about me. Maybe excess arm hair? Not sure.

Things didn’t stay like the movies though. Pretty soon entire buildings were collapsing. And enormous pieces of debris took people out. Just as I was rallying the troops to push seaward, an enormous piece of debris whacked into me and knocked the wind out of me. My supporters gathered around me like I was some sort of Khalesi and I told them to press onward without me. I knew I wouldn’t make it.

My ribs were crushed and one of them pierced my heart so my heart just slowly leaked all over the rest of my organs until it couldn’t beat anymore. My supporters carried me to a shitty lean-to shelter and stayed with me until the very end. They probably died shortly after I did. Idiots.

Charlize

DREAM THREE: SET AFLAME

I literally burned alive. For whatever reason, someone felt that they needed to pour gasoline over my entire body then light a match and toss it at me. Of course I burst into flames. You know… Just burning alive not really knowing why you’re getting burnt alive? It’s fun. My flesh melted away and I swear I woke up feeling itchy as hell. The craziest thing about fake burning alive is that you’re super aware of it and it goes on for a while. I imagine if you burn alive in real life you go into shock and die pretty fast. But for me, I was like a flaming human being for a good half hour. I picture my flaming self as the red Morphix from Dark Rift 64… (If anyone besides my brothers gets that reference I will marry them. Not kidding, you can send me a message on Facebook or something and we can work out wedding arrangements.)

I think eventually my entire house/apartment set fire and I just laid down and watched all of my possessions burn away. I think the cat managed to escape because, you know, cats are always lookin out for number 1. Guaranteed my asshole cat would run out of the building and alert no one that I was burning alive. He’d just live on the streets without a care in the world. Dickhead would be happier as a street cat.

Satan is coming at me from down below warning me of the undead life ahead of me. I am absolutely going to hell kids. If there was not a sign before, the fact that someone set me ablaze for no reason in my dream. I’ll take that as a hint. Send me help. Send the Herbalife people to save my soul.

Morphix

(Unfortunately this was the only picture of Morphix I could find…)

I don’t know what exactly this all says about the current status of my life. I think my instability is sexy. Not having a home for nearly a month? Adorable. Almost taking a job I found on Craigslist that barely paid minimum wage? Sexy. Telling people that I’m an aspiring writer and comedian while unemployed? Seductive.

Periods of instability show you how strong you can be. I know that’s cheesed as fuck, and I know I admit to my cliches a lot and they’re almost becoming a cliche in themselves. I’m being serious though. The start of 2016 has been pretty hellish, but also pretty wonderful in a lot of ways. I struggled for a while with how to close this post, I don’t want to say too much but I also don’t want to shrug off the fact that my life has been in turmoil.

I’ll leave you with this: I went to the grocery store last night to buy ingredients to make something for dinner. I left with a carton of eggs, a package of bacon and a bottle of Smirnoff.